Look, I’m an ex-smoker. While I was stupid enough to vote for a smoking ban, I realize now the error of my ways. However, if some idiot proposed a ban on smokers from using elevators, I’d probably vote for that sucker too.

Man, do people go outside, light up, and exhale into their shirts? Why is it that all the elevators we have here smell like someone rolled themselves in a wet ashtray? Add to it Perfume Woman (a lady that you literally can tell everywhere she’s been in the past 30 minutes) and Onion Guy and you’ve got some stinky lifts!

Actually, what we need is 1 elevator set aside for smelly people. When you push the call button, a small sensor detects any strong odors and forces you to take the stink lift. And the only floor you should be allowed on is the roof until the wind takes care of your problem.