Imagine this scenario:

You head to Uncle Lumpy's Shakin' Shack for lunch . You know, the place with the 'Putting the Buff back in Buffet' sign? Suuuurre you don’t…. Anyway, you fill your plate with lukewarm chicken patties and order a $20 lap dance. A few minutes later ‘Misty Mounds’ is earning her Andrew Jackson a mere quarter-inch from the frontal apex of your trousers.

The DJ’s halfway through the second refrain of AC/DC’s Highway to Hell, Misty’s shaking it like Mohamad Ali and you’re a mere 15 seconds from plastering the insides of your boxer-briefs with baby gravy, when suddenly she stops to lecture you on morality and family values.

Yeah, that’s about what I’d feel like had I been to a Live 8 concert and had to listen to some filthy rich asshole tell me I should pony up more of my cash to help fund corrupt African ‘charities’.

Mark Steyn gives us a lovely little quote from Pink Floyd front man (and guitar hero of mine) David Gilmour:

Or as Dave Gilmour of Pink Floyd put it: "I want to do everything I can to persuade the G8 leaders to make huge commitments to the relief of poverty and increased aid to the Third World. It's crazy that America gives such a paltry percentage of its GNP to the starving nations."

Uh huh. David? Like Misty, you are my bitch, paid to entertain me. Misty may be an honors student at Oral Roberts university, well versed in the religious implications of a proper family structure, but the $20 bucks I coughed up was to watch her butt floss fight for floor space with my zipper. The only words I want emanating from her pie hole are ‘Honey, you need me to get you a towel to clean up?’

Where are all the ‘Chickenhawk’ shouters now? Gilmore could probably single handedly feed a million starving African people for a year with what’s in his bank account. Yeah, he’d have to give up 20 cars, a private jet or two, several of his houses, etc. but if you’re going to rally behind a concept, shouldn’t you pony up to the bar and suffer for it? Isn’t that the hypocrisy those who use the Chickenhawk argument are all about? And don’t tell me no one dies when little Davie doesn’t pay up because there’s rampant starvation in those areas and every dollar helps.

No, David Gilmour has every right to the money he has. And he has every right to get on stage and spout off whatever he wants. But, like Misty, he’s supposed to be entertaining people, not lecturing. The reason he’s as rich as he is is because his band fucking rocked and all of us ‘stingy bastards’ who can’t donate enough to Africa went and spent $20 a peice on Floyd albums.

This is why Live 8 is a joke to me. I mean, sure, what a great line up. I’d love to see some of those bands, and Floyd more than any of them. But to have some guy who probably has someone paid to wipe his ass with imported silk say we’re too stingy just rubs me the wrong way. I mean, I’m all about helping others, but after billions upon billions in aid and the problems not only still exist, but are worse in some ways, it’s time to look at the gaping maw of corrupt charities and find another way to help those in need.

It probably doesn’t call for another big concert either….