Got an email from a gentleman recently asking for advice about living in Sunny Florida.

Hi Robb,

Found you while searching for blogs based in Tampa, because I'm looking for inside info on what life is like in the TB area.

I'm a {…} a lifelong resident of Milwaukee, and my wife and I are sick of life in this bad-weather-and-high-taxes hellhole. We're starting to think about our long-term plans for escaping, and looking for the right place to flee to as refugees, and Tampa seems like a strong possibility.

So, I'm wondering if you'd be kind enough to indulge me in a little conversation about what it's like living there?

Best,

Brad

Well Brad, what can I say?

The weather – It's hot. Hot and humid. I've worn shorts at Christmas for most of the previous years. There are two seasons in Florida, very hot and not as hot. Be prepared for this as a lot of people I know from up north have had difficulty adjusting. Once you do adjust, 60 degrees is parka weather. Your family up north will wonder why you refuse to come up for Thanksgiving anymore.

Half the time you can’t tell if it’s raining or if the humidity has just reached critical mass. Sometimes, when the time is 5:00ish, both happen at the same time. The best way to avoid heavy rainfall is to plant new sod. Then you will experience a drought, have watering restrictions placed upon you and develop a nice colony of chinch bugs that will chow on your new St. Augustine like an all-you-eat buffet.

Plus we love our hurricanes. I personally sat through three of the four that hit us last year. Not fun. Before that, I'd never seen one in the 11+ years I've lived here. So it's not something you deal with every time you turn around, but golly when you do.....

Taxes – There is no state income tax. Sales taxes are used instead. Works for me. We also have a lottery and occasionally some good class action lawsuits you can hop in on if you so desire. Panhandling doesn’t pay as well as say, New York, but at least the bums around here have fantastic tans. Have I mentioned that it’s hot?

Idiots – We have them and have them in spades. Seems like every time I turn around Florida is tasering a pre-schooler, hanging their chads, holding nationally broadcast circuses at convalescent homes, or having to make special laws so that it's ok to protect yourself in public if someone decides to attack you. Had this law been around several years ago, Elian Gonzales would be in Pre-K right now eating a state-funded school lunch and learning about manatees.

Jobs – If the panhandling thing isn’t your bag, get a job. Apparently we don’t pay as much but the cost of living isn’t as high as say, New York. We have beaches though which partly makes up for it. Beaches of course are OK so long as you don’t mind looking at fat Canadian men in Speedo brand banana-hammocks.

As a side note, when you’re at the beach, it is a good idea to remember the sun is at a different angle than any other place in the US. This means not only is it hot, but the rays will turn your skin the color and texture of partially cooked bacon in about 32 minutes. Nothing screams TOURIST like red shoulders.

Back to jobs. If you are a pharmacist, you’re in luck I think Tampa has more CVSs and Walgreens per square mile than any other state in the union. If you have the knack for renting beach umbrellas, See-Doos, and selling sun block, you are also in luck. If you want to be a webmaster for a large marketing corporation in St. Petersburg, tough. I already have the job and have no plans to give it up any time soon. Unless that class action suit works out and I can quit and rent umbrellas at the beach.

Scenery – Florida is flatter than a pre-teenage girl’s chest. Geographically, we have 2 things to look at: Sand and Palm trees. Anything above a .04% grade is considered mountainous. This means during heavy humidity / rain storms, nothing drains out of the roads. Oh yeah, you can watch the sunset over a beach, but around the 2,343,723rd time, it gets old. The only thing that changes visually on long road trips is the names of the retirement villas.

The best thing about Florida is that when I get old and retire, I won’t have to move. I’m already here. I’ve often heard Florida referred to as “God’s waiting room”. This might explain the plethora of CVSs littering the streets.

I hope you’ve found this to be useful and educational. Hope to have you as a neighbor soon.