Washington, DC – Tom Ridge, Director of Neverland Security has raised the Molestation Alert from Tanned to Caucasian, the highest level of the new color-coded system.

Ridge appeared before reporters, visibly shaken and told the press “ The Department of Neverland Security in consultation with the Neverland Security Council, has made the decision to raise the national threat level from an Elevated to High risk of Michael Jackson molesting a child, or Level Caucasian. The Intelligence Community believes that Jackson will attempt multiple fondlings against U.S.and Coalition children worldwide in the event of a U.S led legal campaign against him. A large volume of reporting across a range of sources, some of which are highly reliable, indicates that Jackson probably would attempt to launch groping attacks against U.S.children claiming they were simply ‘sleeping together but having no sexual contact of any nature’”.

The color coded system was introduced January 2004 in response to charges filed the previous month. Many critics decry the system as overly simplistic and prone to false alarms. Supporters say the colored alerts, based on actual skin tones Jackson has had throughout the years, is an easy to understand system that can alert parents faster if  Jackson is suspected of being in the mood for any lovin’, touchin’, and squeezin’ allowing them adequate time to protect their children.