What follows is an actual, honest to God email sent to me the other day.

From: XXXXXX<xxxx@xxxx.com>
To: robb.allen@gmail.com
Date: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 00:38:31 -0500
Subject: concerned parent
hey robb -
 
question, on sat night my 14 yo son went to the high school prom.  came home fell asleep after the "after party"
at our house, and oxy clean granules were all over the couch and inside his shirt pocket.
I thought something was fishy about this but didn't know who to go to.  seems from your sight you might have a clue.
can you let me know what he is using this for?  thank you so much.

Dear XXXXXX,

It is a good thing that you are an observant parent and noticed this. As much as it pains me to tell you the bad news, I know you will appreciate the candor. I am afraid your son is showing a tell-tale sign of closet domestication. If you ask him about the oxy clean, he may try to tell you that he's using it to intensify the sensation he gets when huffing paint or mixing it in with cocaine for an added hallucinogenic effect, but that is often a childish attempt to mask a severe laundry addiction.

Oh, it might not sound too bad up front: A grass stain on the jeans here, mustard on a shirt there. But these are known as gateway activities that lead to much harder substances like tomato sauce on wool or grease stains on cashmere. And before you know it, your son is so hooked that he is doing dry cleaning with people you might not be too happy to know he is hanging around with.

The problem with laundry addiction is that, once all the "clothes are clean", so to speak, other activities usually follow. You may notice shirts that once had holes somehow miraculously sew themselves up, missing buttons on your jacket appear to have found their way back home, trousers hemmed to a surprisingly perfect length. Do not ignore these signs as tragedy can only follow.

It is perfectly understandable for parents to say "My child would never do something like that". It is a natural defense against the pain of knowing a loved one is suffering through closet domestication. But you need to look for some of the following signs and, if found, accept that your child has a problem.

• Socks and underwear actually folded in drawers
• Bed linens smooth and ironed
• While watching Trading Spaces, makes comments like "You know, Vern's selection for a color pallet for this room is exquisite, but I'm afraid his choice of fabric for the drapery is going to clash with the slip-cover for the couch."
• Arguments over plaid and stripes become more common
• Hanging posters of people usually associated with seedy, domestic activities (such as Christopher Lowell or Martha Stewart)

You need to talk with your son. Ask him what is he going to do when the rush he feels from getting ring around the collar out of 100% cotton dress shirts no longer satiates his appetite. Ask him what is left when he no longer feels the thrill of warm sweatpants straight from the dryer. Once the granules no longer satisfy, will he be able to resist the siren call of liquid Tide?  Most kids think these kinds of things will always be there for them and as parents, we have to make them see that eventually it becomes a chore and not the thrill-ride it used to be.

These may be difficult times for you, but you have to stand firm. Force your son to hang out in college dorm rooms to see how normal boys are supposed to act. Lock the pantry. Mark the Snuggle fabric softener so you can tell if he is cheating. But above all remind him that you love him and that you are there for him.

And worst case scenario, at least your dinner parties will always be a success.

Best of Luck,
Robb