Welcome to the Sharp As A Marble coverage of the Presidential Debates 2004. This will be the first of three debates. The first debate will revolve around Foreign Policy, the second will revolve around quantum physics and rodeo terms, the third has yet to be decided.

A brief description of the stage. There are 2 lecterns on the stage, both having a set of lights on top borrowed from the Jeopardy set. When the lights blink, you're out of time. If they blink too long, a trap door will open up and your opponent wins by default. There was a lot of controversy over the lights which Bush's team managed to keep. They did, however, lose the argument that Kerry's podium would include a pneumatically controlled boot that would extend into his crotch when Bush pressed a button. I thought that was a petty thing to argue over, myself.

Disney has done a wonderful job with the animatronic Jim Leher - it almost looks lifelike! There's still a bit more to go on the technology, but outside of the slow, mechanical movements, you can almost believe he's alive.

OK, the debates are about to start. Leher is instructing the audience to sit down and have a nice tall glass of "Shut the F*ck" up or he'll have to open a can of whoopass. He's now introduced the candidates.

9:02 - Jim explained the rules to the candidates and to the audience. He has also instructed those who are playing "Bullshit Bingo" at home to go ahead and fill in the square marked "Kerry Shows off Manicure".

9:03 - First question regarding Kerry making America safer. I didn't think the whole "more seat belts and airbags" answer was exactly what they were asking, but the Volvos in Every Home portion was a nice touch. Bush's rebuttal of "I could so kick you ass" definitely scored points.

9:08 - Bush is asked if we'd be attacked if Kerry was elected. Bush responded with "Well, I'm sure I'd attack horse face over there if he was elected". Kerry hiding under the podium wasn't very presidential.

9:12 - Kerry is speaking on Bush's misunderjudmentalisms or something. Kerry has a good point that Bush underestimated a pretzel that one time. Bush looks embarrassed. I wish he'd stop picking his nose while Kerry is speaking, it's just rude.

9:17 - Bush comments on attacking both Saddam and Al Qaeda simultaneously are spot on. Kerry shows a printout from eBay on body armor and a list of talking points from Kos. Kerry is struggling on not mentioning 'Viet Nam' but definitely keeps reminding us he served.

9:24 - Oops. Looks like there's a glitch in the moderator. Disney folks are on stage trying to fix the motor in the neck. The candidates are both given opportunities to tell a joke.

Bush's joke about the priest, rabbi, and imam comparing carry-ons on an international flight was funny, but I don't think it was appropriate and might cost him a few points. I just simply did not understand Kerry's joke about 18th century French philosophy.

9:29 - Looks like they've got the moderator back working.

9:32 - The question is about bringing the troops home from Iraq. Kerry says something about knowing what it means to serve in combat. Leher instructs those playing at home that you can count that as a Viet Nam reference. Someone in the audience shouts Bingo!! Loud moans from several of the attendees.

9:36 - Leher asks if the 1000 dead in Iraq have died for a mistake. Bush pays respect to the dead. Kerry states that the war was a dreadful mistake, a blooper of cosmical proportions, but no, the men and women who've died have not died for a mistake. This logic has apparently caused a short circuit in the moderator who is now smoking behind the ears.

9:38 - Oh, goody. They've got someone to manually control the moderator. It's Joe Lockhart, a Kerry senior advisor. He seems to do a fairly good job, but you can almost see the hand underneath the shirt moving the lips.

9:40 - Post-war conditions in Iraq. Bush blames General Franks for kicking their asses too fast and not killing enough of the insurgents. Kerry states that he wouldn't have gone into Iraq knowing what he knows now but would have if he'd known back then that he wouldn't know as much now. Or something. Honestly, at this point even my wife was scratching her head.

9:42 - Leher asks Kerry how Bush has lied about Iraq. Kerry says he's never said the L word, that he's never said it his entire life about anyone. He says he said that "Bush was a untruthful son of a bitch" and that's not the same as calling him a liar. Kerry is so involved in his speech that apparently he doesn't notice the spit balls Bush is lobbing into his hair.

9:43 - Holy Shit! A Streaker just ran across the stage!!! The streaker was wearing a paper bag on their head so I couldn't tell if it was Dick Cheney or Hillary Clinton.

I missed the next question because of the streaker commotion, but I think Kerry's hairdresser managed to get on stage and remove some of the spit wads because I can't see them anymore.

9:50 - Preemptive war. Kerry says we have to pass the Global test before we go to war. I had to look it up over at Google. Turns out it's not quite as hard as the S.A.T. but still will require a bit of studying. Bush walks over to Kerry and sucker punches him. Granted, that didn't happen but it would have been less painful than George's rebuttal which was "When I was a kid on the playground, I didn't have to ask all the other kids if I could defend myself against the class bully."

9:54 - Very, very important questions regarding Iran and North Korea!! I missed the answers though because I had some sock fluff stuck in a toenail and had to go to the bathroom for some tweezers. I rewound the Tivo to Leher's part where he's trying to clear up the candidate's positions. Leher asks Kerry if he preferred multilateral or bilateral talks. Kerry says "yes".

10:05 - Darfur - Kerry talks about how overextended we are militarily and then proceeds to break wind. Although a potentially embarrassing moment, Kerry's "back door draft" comment easily pulls it off. Bush comments on the weather patterns in Africa. I had to rewind the Tivo to make sure that's what he said.

10:13 - Character questions regarding Kerry's ability to be CinC. Bush claims Kerry sends mexed missages. Kerry wisely lets that one stand on its own.

10:18 - Leher's question -  What do you think is the single biggest threat facing America? Kerry talks about nuclear proliferation which, yes, is a big problem. Bush says the biggest threat is "the asshole behind the podium on my right".

10:24 - Putin - Both candidates agree that Putin is a funny sounding name. Bush's reference to Kerry's 'back door draft' a few minutes ago was a zinger! Good timing.

10:30 - It looks like the debate has ended. Lockhart's hand apparently was cramping up. Here comes the families to congratulate their husbands / fathers. Laura Bush and the Twins walk up the front steps. Teresa Heinz-Kerry pulls up on stage in a stretched limo. The little peasant laying rose petals at her feet was a nice touch.

Both candidates kiss their wives. Looks like a little of Kerry's spray on tan rubbed off on Teresa's white pants suit. The twins are desperately trying to avoid Kerry. Too late, they're both getting a hug. John may have goosed Barbara, but I'm not sure. Now the two wives are standing together. I can read Laura's lips as she leans over to Heinz-Kerry. It looks like she is saying...hold on.... it's a little hard to see... Oh, I see it now.

"I could so kick your ass".

Thank you folks, and good night.