Claims Kerry dilutes trademark "two face" look

Yeehaw Junction, Fl. - Associated Marble Press has learned that Janus, the Roman god with two faces whose name gives us January, has filed a lawsuit against presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry. The lawsuit claims that Kerry's positions on Iraq, taxes, ownership of Chinese assault rifles, and war voting record have caused consumer brand confusion.

"Janus is deeply upset at his recent numbers," said M. Hermes, spokesperson for the gods. "Recently the faithful have been inadvertently praying to Kerry at the beginning to domestic undertakings and in the morning. While Janus looks both ways to gently maintain the balance between such important matters as peace and war as well as night and day, Kerry's stance on any position appears to reflect pandering rather than a true concern for the welfare of his subjects."

Joe Lockhart responded to the allegations as false and frivolous. "George W. Bush's fanatic religious nature is nothing but a front to garner support from the Gods. As a god, the last thing you want to be seen as is a puppet of the United States, and you can almost see the hand underneath the flowing robes moving the lips." Lockhart was immediately struck by lightning and was not able to comment any further.

Styx Boat Veterans for Truth also spoke on the matter. "It is a travesty", spokesman Charon said in a news briefing. "We are in a time of war and John Kerry has repeatedly called for the temple to close its doors."

The Kerry campaign responded that Charon never served on the same boat as Kerry and should not be considered an authoritative source.