Primate Based Home & Life Management System

Let’s say I was having a problem managing my life. I needed security for my house. I needed some lifestyle management to keep my costs down as well as help with balancing my finances. I also needed something to assist me with medical decisions, dietary requirements, and the education of my children.

Like millions of other Americans, I decided to go buy a chimpanzee to take care of all of it for me.

Now the first chimp I had was excellent at security. His poo flinging skills were, bar none, the best; nobody would dare step foot onto my yard.  However, when it came to my medical care, this chimp made some seriously poor choices, not to mention my financial situation was not in the best shape it could be, plus I noticed the strict diet of bananas and ticks had made me soft around the middle.

Like millions of other Americans, I decided to take control of the situation and when my 4 year contract with this chimp was up, decided to get another chimp to do the work (unfortunately, due to contractual obligations, I still have to pay for Chimp A’s retirement).

Chimp B came from a different stock than Chimp A, so I figured he’d do a much better job. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Security was terrible and I came home to find not only people on my lawn, but the front door unlocked and cracked open. When I complained about the dietary plan laid out for me, the Chimp got irate and flung poo at me, it’s boss! To make things worse, Chimp B decided to spend my money on the highest quality Honduran bananas for his fellow chimps. He claimed that by spending my money on things I didn’t want or need, that there would be jobs available driving trucks to deliver said bananas to other houses. Because I don’t eat organic banana flavored tofu, this chimp denied me any health care assistance.

Like millions of other Americans, 4 years later I decide to go back to Chimp A. However this time, Chimp A thinks that Chimp B’s financial management, while a bit overboard, was sound and instead of funding Honduran Banana Farms, decides that we should only fund American Banana Farms instead. Since I let Chimp B spend my money that way, there really shouldn’t be any question why I shouldn’t let Chimp A do it, just better.

And so on, and so on, and so on.

Now, most people would say that letting a primate make all these decisions for you is a bad move, that no primate is going to be able to be an expert in every facet of your life. Yet this is exactly how our political system works. We constantly elect people who’s entire qualification to make decisions about our finances, health, education, and security is that they were able to get elected. That’s it. Sure, every here and there one politician will have a background in one of the areas, but never all of them and never do they have the intimate knowledge of your life and its requirements. So they make generalized rules and regulations that never fit anyone and yet are required for everyone (minus themselves, of course).

We shouldn’t give the gov’t so much power over our lives. Most people don’t think of it in those terms, especially the left – they consider the regulations and laws necessary to control other people, never themselves – but they don’t realize that the chimp you hand the hammer to is going to hand that same hammer off to the next chimp you wouldn’t trust with a wet noodle. And when the next chimp makes a mess of the walls and furniture, people seem to think the appropriate response is to give THEIR chimp a bigger hammer next time.

Tell me again why this is a good system?

posted by by Robb Allen @
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