Salesperson: “Good afternoon Ma’am. How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Hi, yes, I was hoping to look at banning a gun today”
Salesperson: “Absolutely, you’ve come to the right place. We’re one of the top stores in the south-east for banning weaponry. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for as we have a wide selection of firearms for you to demand be banned. What exactly are you looking for?”
Customer: “Well, I just got through a rough spot with an abusive ex, and I decided that the best way I could help other women who are in the position I was would be to ensure they are just as defenseless and helpless as I was. But, I’ve never really banned a gun before so I’m not totally sure what I’m after.”
Salesperson: “No problem Ma’am, that’s what I’m here for. Are you looking at banning something like a high power assault rifle or possibly a Saturday Night Special?”
Customer: “Oh, I’d love to go for the assault rifle but I’m not sure I going for the wholesale infringement of a constitutionally protected right makes sense for my first try. The Saturday Night Special sounds interesting, what’s that?”
Salesperson: “Ah, those are the cheaper guns like this Lorcin here that are affordable to people with low incomes.”
Customer: “Oh my! You mean poor, black people could buy this gun? That does make it an attractive option. I’ll have to think about that one. Do you have any bullet hoses that can spray fire from the hip?”
Salesperson: “I’m sorry Ma’am, but with the high demand from the Brady Campaign and the VPC, we’ve just not been able to keep those kinds of clichés in stock.”
Customer: “That’s OK, I understand.”
Salesperson: “The good news is right now, we’re advertising these Glock 19’s, the same gun used in the Tucson shooting. If you ban the gun today, we’ll throw in a bill to restrict this 33 round clip absolutely free!”
Customer: “Er, I hate to make a decision based on something so cosmetic, but everyone is trying to ban those. My cousin Mabel’s husband is a gun owner and even she has been calling for the ban on them. Heck, they’re even calling for the ban of pink firearms for women. How stereotypical is that? OH! Is that gun there what I think it is? A 32mm Glock Revolver?”
Salesperson: “Yes Ma’am it is. We’re advertising it as made out of porcelain and totally undetectable by x-ray machines.”
Customer: “My grandmother has wanted to ban one of those ever since she was a little girl. I think it would really make her happy if I tried to do the same. Let’s go for that one.”
Salesperson: “Absolutely, that’s an excellent choice. I’m just going to need to see some ID, have you fill out this paperwork, and do a quick background check on you to make sure you haven’t had your First Amendment rights taken away at some point in your life.”
Customer: “Wow, that’s a lot of paperwork. But I guess I have to do it. At least I’ll be able to ban this gun today though.”
Salesperson: “Do you have your Concealed Ban Permit Miss?”
Customer: “No, why?”
Salesperson: “Unfortunately, without your permit, there’s a 5 day mandatory waiting period for you to be able to submit this gun for banning. We offer the classes here for a modest fee so that you can bypass the waiting period if you’re interested.”
Customer: “I have to wait? That’s ridiculous. I was assaulted by my ex, I shouldn’t have to wait to force other women to be disarmed!”
Salesperson: “Sorry Ma’am, but the NRA made the law, I just have to follow it.”
Customer: “That’s horrible. Why would they allow an organization that is diametrically opposed to what I’m trying to do here make the laws?”
Salesperson: “The law is there to ensure that you’re not going to try to ban a gun in the heat of passion.”
Customer: “That kind of makes sense I guess. That, and there’s not much I can do about it now. Well, here’s my paperwork and my money and I’ll be back next week to have the gun banned.”
Salesperson: “Thank you. It’s been a pleasure taking your money for something that probably isn’t going to happen. Look for our flyer in the paper after the next shooting, we always run great deals while the blood is still tacky on the ground!”