Today, it appears I’m going to be tested on my ability to handle anxiety, sans Paxil.
I’m having a rather prolonged anxiety attack which oddly enough isn’t much different than when I was on Paxil. Even when I was taking it, I’d have days where a full blown attack was always a few seconds away. So, the Paxil doesn’t appear to have lowered the number of times I had one, nor does it appear to have lowered the impact of them. If anything, I’m having much less nausea than when I was on it.
Currently, the worst part is the racing thoughts. I can’t hold a coherent thought for very long. I’m enjoying a slight reprieve right now that’s allowing me to write this. As it comes and goes I’ll pick back up on this post, so pardon if it has a rambling feel to it. When my mind races, I lose the ability to control what thoughts run through my head. Attempting to focus on any one thing for too long causes my mind to speed up and tends to make things worse. This is making work damn near impossible to do right now.
A key thought that happens to cross my mind over and over is death and / or dying. Not that I’m suicidal, mind you, but my brain starts thinking of what would happen to my children and wife if I were to die, and it feels oddly like I could just keel over at any minute. That thought is scary enough and is compounded in its severity with the millions of other ideas racing through my noggin.
I also have a strong case of ‘butterflies in my stomach’. It’s like being very, very nervous for an extended period of time. Again, this isn’t much different than when I was on the Paxil, but mentally my brain tells me something’s different. I have some ‘calming’ medication to take if I need, and I’m trying to avoid it like hell because long after it’s helped, I end up groggy and listless. Also, it takes time to work and many times by the time it kicks in it’s too late.
Add to the fact that I’m getting a cold / flu and it’s just one shitty day. But like every other time, I’ll work through it and when it’s over, I’ll look back and wonder why I thought it was so bad.