I'm writing this as a draft. I don't really plan on publishing it until after the Wizbang awards close but I wanted to get this out before hand so that I can assure myself that what I am about to write is how I truly feel. I may change my mind, but rest assured what you are reading has nothing to do with the outcome of any particular contest. Fuck it. Have at it world.
At the time of my writing this, I am in a close race with Sean Gleeson for Best of the Top 1000-1750 blogs. And, up until today, the rivalry has been a lot of fun. I didn't even know I had been nominated until a reader pointed it out in the comments and even then, I didn't give it much attention until I realized I was already in 2nd place and I'd not even advertised on my site about it. So I joined the game.
One of the best parts so far has been the fact that I've gotten to know Sean's and Cranky Neocon's blogs. They're both good reads and Sean puts a lot of work into what he does. I'm not so sure about Cranky ;) The whole award thing, while a little silly, is still a great way of finding other blogs you might not have realized were out there. It has been a lot of fun.
Until today.
Today I realized Sean was jumping way ahead. Yesterday, I was only .1% behind him. I checked out his site and realized why. He had written something funny and people were linking. Hell, even Goldstein gave him a shout. He had a sudden jump in visitors, and his site prominently displays the contest logo, so naturally some of his sudden influx of readers went and voted. Or he's cheating. Either way, good for him!
Now, I had counted on a little boost from michele over at A Small Victory since any time she links me I get one hell of a traffic boost. But it never came. And I think I know why. Michele didn't have anything good to link to.
See, Sean got a boost because he wrote something funny and actually put a little effort into his site. Me? I'm lazy and the majority of my posts for the last week have been begging for votes or related to the contest somehow. I realized that if I were to want to jump up in the contest, I'd have to think of something witty to write and get people to link me. I'd have to work hard at it.
And the instant the thought crossed my mind, I resented my blog.
Remember that post the other day about loving the lie? That's what happened. All of a sudden, my little diary where I can just write whatever the hell I wanted all of a sudden required me to take action. In order to get the hits I had to perform. And that just wasn't what I wanted this thing to be. Win or lose this stupid contest, I concede to Sean and Cranky. I don't want 1st place. I don't want to lose the love I have for this little POS I call Sharp as a Marble.
I now understand how Allah of Allahpundit felt when he quit. I don't want to be a monkey dancing for peanuts that never get thrown my way. I laugh at my tip jar because it's pretty vain of me to expect people will throw good money into it when I refuse to put much effort into providing anything in return (and really, it was put in place to accept some payment for work I had done at one point). This isn't supposed to be work, and amazingly the instant it looked like it was going to be, I no longer had the drive to do it.
I'm not quitting. You aren't getting off that easy. It's just that I realized I got caught up in the contest when it required minimal effort from me and just tossing a few 'insults' at the competition. I can't tell you what an awful feeling I had in my gut when I was trying to think of the post that would help me win. I got sick to my stomach. So, instead, I'm simply exposing the lie I've been telling myself. And damn, I'm doing it in front of the world.
Sean and Cranky are both great blogs. I am not writing this because I am losing (a 1% difference isn't a big loss for me) nor to get a jump on if I lose, but to put my mind at ease that I write this shit because I want to, not because I have to. Poor Allah found out what it was like. I've seen many other bloggers do the same.
So now, I'm going to go back to my cat pictures. I'll post about beer. I'll tell little anecdotes about the people I work with. I'll make crude jokes. Basically, I'm making sure my heart is still in this so I can continue to entertain those precious 200 people who show up every few days to see what's going on.
God, I love blogging!