10. Tivo the entire Facts of Life series and count the number of times Natalie sneaks off stage for a twinkie break (double checking for accuracy!)
9. Take a ball peen hammer to my incisors and upper bicuspids
8. Prank phone call Jeff G. repeatedly. Ask him if "everything's kosher", cackle loudly, then hang up.
7. Rewrite the entire Patriot Act in ig-pay atin-lay.
6. Volunteer for Mall Security duty. Show up in full fatigues and ask when do I get to pepper spray some punk kid's ass? Talk in whispers to my baton.
5. Find out exactly how much Viagra is "too much"
4. Try out new and exciting recipes that call for half a cup of ear wax
3. Photoshop lots of images of rutabagas in compromising positions.
2. Learn Braille on a waffle iron.
and finally
1. Watch reruns of the DNC