Funnybone tickled
Unix Jedi sent me this link I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn't exactly seem to be affected by a man dressed as a bat flapping around the place. But no-one disobeys a man wearing a necklace of human nipples. "I'm Batman" isn't cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But "I'm Batman -- and I'm here for your nipples" is an entirely different proposition. Funny stuff, if a bit dated.
posted @ 3/17/2010 8:51:57 AM | Feedback (1)
Here's a great money saving tip to our Government
Instead of buying shotguns for the Department of Education, why not just buy Air Soft rifles at a fraction of the cost and then convert them?
posted @ 3/12/2010 9:38:52 AM | Feedback (5)
And they're cheaper at Wal-Mart to boot!
All-black penguin discovered King Penguins are notorious for their prim, tuxedoed appearance -- but a recently discovered all-black penguin seems unafraid to defy convention. In what has been described as a "one in a zillion kind of mutation," biologists say that the animal has lost control of its pigmentation, an occurrence that is extremely rare. Other than the penguin's monochromatic outfit, the animal appears to be perfectly healthy. I admit I was surprised it wasn't blamed...
posted @ 3/11/2010 12:34:46 PM | Feedback (5)
Sharp as a Marble EXCLUSIVE – A first look at the new Taurus Pistol
  Comes with optional heated seats and ambidextrous magazine release. Nice!
posted @ 2/25/2010 11:37:50 AM | Feedback (8)
Jeeeeeaaaaalous
Yes… Yes I am I wonder if this is anyone we know. If not, I'd like to friend them. Hat Tip Random Nuclear Strikes
posted @ 2/22/2010 7:28:42 PM | Feedback (6)
Forget the Green police
I'm getting one of these Hat Tip Say Uncle, who apparently started the meme here.
posted @ 2/12/2010 3:25:37 PM | Feedback (24)
Sorry I've not posted anything today yet
I'm still shaken up over yesterday afternoon. For one reason or another, work had to cut me a physical check rather than direct deposit. Being that I now work within walking distance to my bank, the Mrs. requested that I simply drop by on my way home and deposit it. It was a very, very difficult time for me. I had to walk inside a bank. Me. Armed to the teeth in a place we're told where there's no need to carry weaponry.  It took every last ounce of self control to override the Glock's...
posted @ 2/12/2010 1:46:53 PM | Feedback (5)
Obama news conference cancelled [Sharp as a Marble Exclusive]
Apparently Obama was supposed to give a conference condemning Sarah Palin's use of "Crib Notes" but was unable to attend when it was discovered that the teleprompter was not working properly.
posted @ 2/9/2010 4:02:27 PM | Feedback (6)
Ultra concealable weaponry
Scary that this stuff could easily be carried around on the street and nobody would be the wiser. Personally, I'm digging the shotgun / Kleenex combo. Hat tip Say Uncle
posted @ 2/9/2010 9:16:01 AM | Feedback (1)
A not so subtle jab?
I've always considered XKCD to be apolitical. The alt text to this comic though appears to be a jab at the Teleprompter Jesus. Maybe it's just my politics coloring my judgment though. Update – After reading it again, it's my political preferences coloring what I see. Knowing the author, he's more concerned about the failures of the process than Obama getting a shiny medal.
posted @ 2/8/2010 9:05:16 AM | Feedback (3)
I gotta do more of these
Vicious Circle #37 is up with alan, JayG, aepilot Jim, Stingray & Labrat, and myself. Fun times with Beer Nuts and pickles in ZipLoc bags.
posted @ 1/29/2010 9:20:22 AM | Feedback (1)
Beats me
Google is funny, eh?
posted @ 1/26/2010 4:01:32 PM | Feedback (6)
Blasphemy!
Wonderful, hilarious blasphemy. Not even John Moses Browning is safe.
posted @ 1/24/2010 10:28:09 AM | Feedback (2)
Way past its expiration date
Seriously, guys. Bush has been out of office for nearly a year and even before then, the Democrats were in charge of Congress. It's time to put this away for good.
posted @ 1/19/2010 8:31:02 AM | Feedback (5)
Come to think of is, isn't Al Jebrah a terrorist organization?
A quote from #gunbloggers_conspiracy discussing the need for calculators to do simple multiplication (12:07:55 PM) Salamander: I don't negotiate with integers. *Win*
posted @ 1/15/2010 12:10:22 PM | Feedback (5)
It's not the coming robot war or Zombie apocalypse you need to worry about
It's flying jellyfishes. We are so screwed.
posted @ 1/11/2010 11:04:15 AM | Feedback (1)
The only problem with this idea for a bumper sticker
Is that it might be construed that I think the Republican candidate would be any better.   Depressing as hell to think about, isn't it?
posted @ 1/8/2010 1:25:56 PM | Feedback (3)
Shamelessly stolen
From Say Uncle You'll shoot your eye out. And the neighbor's eye. And possibly your neighbor's neighbor's eye. But then it'll jam on the next shot.
posted @ 12/30/2009 10:20:45 AM | Feedback (1)
Sharp as a Marble Educational Series – A Primer on the 10mm round
posted @ 11/16/2009 6:40:00 PM | Feedback (15)
There's a reason we refer to them as 'dumb animals'
Deer loses battle with lawn ornament A love-struck buck ran out of luck a week ago. The seven-point buck was killed when it rammed a 640-pound concrete statue of an elk in the backyard of Mark and Carol Brye's home in rural Viroqua. Best part of the entire story Brye claimed the buck with a tag from the Vernon County conservation warden. He laughed at the warden's tag note: "lawn ornament fight - lost." I swear, I know some people who'd have given that deer a run for its...
posted @ 11/10/2009 9:56:48 AM | Feedback (6)
True, only #Gunblogger_Conspiracy people will get it
But this image of Alan I did is a hoot Original picture by Breda
posted @ 11/5/2009 1:34:23 PM | Feedback (3)
Wait a second!
Twitter can do this?
posted @ 10/28/2009 7:13:34 PM | Feedback (5)
I'm taking up a collection (UPDATED)
To buy Caleb one of these UPDATE: Never mind, Caleb's wife made this one, for the win.
posted @ 10/26/2009 8:04:11 PM | Feedback (21)
So, with the new FTC regulations regarding blogs
Will each post at The Brady Campaign / The Gun Guys have a disclaimer at the bottom indicating it was bought and paid for by the Joyce Foundation? Will the NYT be forced to disclose under each editorial "The proceeding article was provided as an In-Kind donation to the DNC"?
posted @ 10/7/2009 9:49:53 AM | Feedback (2)
Coming to Chicago in 2016
The O-lympics Track and field events will include Bail Jumping, Legal Hurdles, Blame Throwing and the always popular Graftathalon. And the *snerk* factor just keeps getting better.
posted @ 9/30/2009 10:07:26 AM | Feedback (4)
If you have hours of your life you're ok with wasting
Then I suggest going here. It's like a train wreck in slo-motion, but the train is all bondo and Dixie flags, driven by a fat man wearing a speedo, a tank top, and sporting a kick ass mullet. Wait, that's a chick…
posted @ 9/27/2009 8:08:40 PM | Feedback (5)
Because when the virus hits, you won't be shooting at round circles
Practice for the inevitable with Full Color Zombie Targets
posted @ 9/17/2009 10:42:33 AM | Feedback (1)
I'd say it's getting a little worn out
Maybe it's about time to put this thing away for good.
posted @ 9/16/2009 8:04:27 PM | Feedback (42)
Spam title of the day
Obama bullshits us! Yes… Yes he does. I'm still not buying any penis pill from you, though.
posted @ 9/13/2009 5:51:56 PM | Feedback (3)
Quote of the day
From #gunblogger_conspiracy, discussing my upcoming MRI tomorrow. (11:03:31 AM) Unix-Jedi: Programmer Robb Allen. Microsoft Weenie. Gun nut, searching for a solution for his shoulder pain. Then an accidental power surge in the MRI alters his pants. Now when Robb Allen grows stifled or uncomfortable, a startling metamorphis occurs. The Creature is driven by rage of pants and pursued by an investigative reporter. "Ms. Couric, don't make me uncomfortable. You wouldn't like my pants when...
posted @ 9/9/2009 11:05:24 AM | Feedback (0)
Because I'm nothing, if not helpful
Seen elsewhere, and with a few small modifications, I present to you the Journalist's Guide to Firearms Identification
posted @ 9/8/2009 8:17:21 AM | Feedback (22)
Signs around town
So, I keep seeing these signs while driving - "Adult Co-Ed Kickball". I guess doubles hopscotch and adult red rover were hot last season.
posted @ 8/30/2009 11:24:15 AM | Feedback (4)
BREAKING NEWS!!!! Shocking proof that Obama was not born in Hawaii
Folks, this is big. I wasn't all into the whole 'birther' thing, but I just received this fax that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Obama is not eligible to be President of the United States. This is an exclusive document found only here at Sharp as a Marble! I have verified its authenticity and feel that this is too important to keep quiet over. Ladies and gentlemen, proof positive that Barack Hussein Obama is not American born!
posted @ 7/28/2009 8:50:55 AM | Feedback (162)
I'll take a large pepperoni and .357 Magnum
Sounds like a decent business plan to me
posted @ 7/22/2009 7:47:22 PM | Feedback (7)
Quote of the day
The tree of liberty must be mulched from time to time with the pants of tyrants and patriots Yuri
posted @ 7/14/2009 7:17:09 PM | Feedback (0)
Headline of the day
Female gang may have killed midget wrestlers With a headline like that, the rest of the story is pretty much irrelevant. Hat Tip Traction Control
posted @ 7/2/2009 8:20:37 AM | Feedback (0)
They said it couldn't be done. They were wrong
Apparently, I do have a limit to what I'm willing to put on the internet. You see, when you get an anonymous packaged in the mail containing a small, bright pink, baby-t shirt that says this You try the damned thing on. Notice the neck and how stretched it is? I looked in the mirror and realized that if a picture of me wearing that ever got loose on the Interweb Tubes, I would risk losing my job, my wife, my house, my kids, etc. etc. I have finally found my 'shame' threshold. However, to...
posted @ 7/1/2009 8:35:36 PM | Feedback (6)
Quote of the day
Ever wonder what eating a bowl of heroin for breakfast does to the human body? The Superficial has the picture. Gawd that's scary!
posted @ 6/24/2009 5:08:50 PM | Feedback (0)
The best I could offer would be 30 seconds of action followed by snoring, and possible drooling
To the person who came here searching for "10 minute hot sex videos", I'm afraid you're at the wrong place.
posted @ 6/16/2009 2:15:22 PM | Feedback (2)
It's like they know me or something
The best Venn diagram, EVAH Thanks to Say Uncle
posted @ 6/9/2009 1:24:26 PM | Feedback (0)
Right after I hit the lottery
This will be something you see in each room of the mansion Hat tip Murdoc, who is a sad panda because that's not his safe.
posted @ 6/5/2009 3:21:50 PM | Feedback (10)
Why not? It's just as effective
What's the difference between a "No Guns Allowed" sign and this? When you get down to it, a sign asking a bad guy not to do something bad is stupid, regardless if you're asking them to not bring in their guns or to not rob the place. But stupid people require stupid solutions I guess.
posted @ 6/4/2009 9:20:09 AM | Feedback (2)
Dear Lenin – Blow it out your…
Oh, I see you already have. Hat Tip Linoge
posted @ 6/3/2009 8:56:04 PM | Feedback (4)
Best health advice ever
If I were you, I'd take this advice
posted @ 6/2/2009 3:07:26 PM | Feedback (1)
Q-tips work wonders, I hear
An actual phone call I just got off of Dealership: How can I help you? Robb: I need to bring in my GTI for the 10,000 mile checkup Dealership: Last name? Robb: Allen. A L L E N Dealership: First name? Robb: Robb. R O B B Dealership: Mark? Robb: …
posted @ 5/26/2009 12:26:27 PM | Feedback (2)
One does not simply nut check R. Lee Ermey
Funniest thing I've seen today.
posted @ 5/21/2009 10:17:21 AM | Feedback (0)
Gun slogans
Frank J. could make a funeral funny as it is, but here's a list of gun slogans that should get you chortling in no time (dead people not required). Some samples Because perps won’t waste themselves. The only FDA approved cure for stupidity. God made man, Samuel Colt made them awesome. Because diving for cover while swinging two swords doesn’t really work. Ever try to do a drive-by stabbing? Because sometimes people don’t listen. When this time it’s not a cry for help. ...
posted @ 5/18/2009 3:32:43 PM | Feedback (1)
A joke for you
A Ruger walks into a bar {Punchline has been recalled}
posted @ 5/15/2009 3:14:40 PM | Feedback (10)
Now that's funny
Phil at Random Nuclear Strikes Billiards chalk is 7/8 of an inch per side and even when hit with something as slow moving as a standard velocity 22LR out of a pistol, makes a bigger poof than Charles Nelson Riley.
posted @ 5/14/2009 10:32:01 AM | Feedback (0)
Presented without comment
posted @ 5/6/2009 9:04:51 AM | Feedback (3)
Quote of the day
Jay G Holy Mary, mother of G-d. This has got to be the pants-shittingest, fear-mongeringest, blown-all-to-hell-out-of-proportionest headline I have ever seen in my entire life. "Killer flu" - there has been one reported death in the US, meaning that this flu has killed the same number of people as Ted Kennedy. Yet they don't refer to Fat Teddy as "KILLER SENATOR"...
posted @ 4/30/2009 12:10:42 PM | Feedback (3)
Chat sessions
Chatting with Greg, discussing how shooting clays is a good introduction to newbies and firearms. Greg: When you hit your first clay, you remember how that felt? Me-Gmail: No, I'm from Georgia. I can't remember what I felt like when I hit my first clay. I was drunk. And only 6. Ah, the good old days when you could walk around without pants and it was considered "Cute" rather than "Call 911 Type Creepy".
posted @ 4/23/2009 2:17:51 PM | Feedback (0)
Quote of the day
Over at Uncle's place In Texas, we have over 2300 separate felonies alone….including 11 involving oysters. Great. Another state I'm not welcome in.
posted @ 4/23/2009 8:59:37 AM | Feedback (4)
Submitted without comment
  From Criggo
posted @ 4/22/2009 9:16:14 AM | Feedback (1)
Not a bad idea
Not a bad idea at all! In fact, I might just move here.
posted @ 4/21/2009 1:27:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Well, at least they're honest
When slogans go bad…
posted @ 4/15/2009 10:05:02 AM | Feedback (3)
Bacon AK-47
What's not to love?
posted @ 4/14/2009 6:02:58 PM | Feedback (0)
At :40 seconds, Jim Gaffigan channels the Sharp as a Marble Lifestyle
posted @ 4/14/2009 12:06:30 PM | Feedback (0)
Infinite monkeys, infinite typewriters
Joe writes concerning Snark™ For quality Tam does far better than I can even dream of. Robb Allen doesn't quite have the quality of Tam but seeing them side by side for a few days: And it was obvious Robb has the edge on quantity. Tam's writing ability is razor sharp. She comes up with turns of phrases I can only dream of. I still giggle when I think of this classic Going to a Bond flick and complaining about the lack of a plot is like going to an Episcopalian church service...
posted @ 4/11/2009 9:19:11 AM | Feedback (5)
Arrrg. That there be some funny
Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.
posted @ 4/10/2009 3:22:49 PM | Feedback (4)
Change you can believe in!
Obama to require the Steelers to redistribute their Super Bowl Trophies The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league. Read the whole thing. While it's a humorous take, it's not funny when you consider...
posted @ 3/26/2009 8:18:21 AM | Feedback (2)
Quote of the day
From a conversation with Greg (2:31:18 PM) Me-Gmail: Heh. Just commented over at Tam's place. The Turing word? snoammo. As in, there snoammo anywhere to be found. (2:31:42 PM) Greg: Haha. (2:34:35 PM) Greg: I like how all the blogspot captcha words are pronounce-able now (2:35:06 PM) Me-Gmail: Well, there's a direct correlation to how easy a word is to type and how pronounceable it is. (2:35:33 PM) Me-Gmail: That's a scientific fact I just pulled from my nether regions,...
posted @ 3/24/2009 2:39:19 PM | Feedback (0)
Q - Why can't you put up pictures comparing Obama to monkeys like they did with Bush?
A – Not because it's racist, but because there aren't any pictures of primates with a teleprompter.
posted @ 3/20/2009 1:42:37 PM | Feedback (4)
Quote of the day
Tam How come when I put my AmEx bill on my Visa, it's stupid, but when the government does it, it's stimulus? Snark. She makes it look so easy.
posted @ 3/18/2009 10:12:28 AM | Feedback (2)
Could it really be that easy?
I just figured out how to take our country back without bloodshed or political maneuvering. Simply hack President Jugears' teleprompter. Ol' Ears can't talk without it, we could make him say whatever we want! Hey, it worked on Charles Barkley
posted @ 3/17/2009 11:06:47 AM | Feedback (7)
Well, there goes even more of my limited time
Just found this site. I've literally got tears in my eyes right now at work. It's gems like this that really tickle my funny bone
posted @ 3/16/2009 1:49:21 PM | Feedback (0)
Exponential irony
A free concert for nonviolence ends in… wait for it… wait for it… SILVER SPRING, Md. (AP) - Montgomery County police say 16 people were arrested after a fight broke out during a concert held to promote nonviolence and to remember a Silver Spring teen killed last year. Pacifism – a self defeating philosophy.
posted @ 3/9/2009 10:53:25 AM | Feedback (3)
Tastes like chicken
Clay chicken, that is Picture by Greg, from a successful clay pigeon hunt this afternoon.
posted @ 3/8/2009 9:06:16 PM | Feedback (2)
An update on an old favorite
I should get tickets to this when it comes to town
posted @ 3/4/2009 10:41:12 AM | Feedback (4)
Don't eat the apples
I swear, I have conversations similar in tone like this all the time. My continued employment is still an unending source of amazement.
posted @ 3/3/2009 11:58:51 AM | Feedback (0)
Somewhere in Chicago
A community is missing its organizer
posted @ 2/19/2009 1:21:01 PM | Feedback (3)
A quick guide to Media terminology regarding guns
Jay G. gives us a breakdown of what they say vs. what they mean
posted @ 2/19/2009 9:53:56 AM | Feedback (0)
There is now absolutely no reason I cannot write children's books
After seeing this, my idea for "The Pig with No Pants" doesn't seem as creepy.
posted @ 2/13/2009 10:03:11 AM | Feedback (5)
Today's Dilbert
So true... so true
posted @ 1/27/2009 8:53:38 AM | Feedback (2)
I know it's probably old
But every time I look at this picture I bust out laughing And I love cats.
posted @ 1/23/2009 11:48:14 AM | Feedback (4)
Technology isn't always better
For example, I used to have to lug a laptop to the bathroom if I wanted to blog while doing my business but now I can do it with only my cell phone. Oh, look. We're low on toilet paper.
posted @ 1/21/2009 7:01:24 PM | Feedback (5)
Best. iPhone. App. Ever.
The Sound Grenade Sound Grenade generates a really, really annoying, nauseating and headache producing high pitched sound. I installed it today and tried it out on my coworkers. Absolutely stunning in how it works. Instantly people start looking around to see what in the heck is causing that annoying sound. Best part? I can't hear a damned thing. Not unless I point the speakers at my head. Apparently it's that frequency that you lose as you get older but kids can seem to still hear. Oddly,...
posted @ 1/21/2009 5:36:24 PM | Feedback (7)
You know what guys and gals?
I was proud to be an American when being proud wasn't cool. Still am, come to think about it. Apparently, there's a lot of new Americans today who weren't Americans before the inauguration. So, now do I get to voice dissent and show my patriotism or is that passé? It's hard for me. I mean, I'm tragically unhip as it is even though I just picked up an iPhone. I thought maybe that would help. Apparently not much.
posted @ 1/20/2009 6:25:33 PM | Feedback (4)
I don't care if it's fake
It's still funny   Had the midget been on fire and riding a tricycle, it would have been perfect.
posted @ 1/12/2009 9:58:34 AM | Feedback (2)
Well, I do what I can
For Christmas my parents bought my family passes to our local aquarium. We got the pass in the mail yesterday with this letter I'm generous like that.
posted @ 1/7/2009 9:00:08 AM | Feedback (2)
Someone is getting an early start on "Weirdest Search Term for 2009"
I mean.... seriously?
posted @ 1/6/2009 6:04:43 PM | Feedback (10)
Two words that should never be uttered in the same sentence
Salmonella and nipples
posted @ 12/10/2008 10:02:55 AM | Feedback (14)
Why leaving your computer unlocked and logged into Facebook is a bad idea, especially if you work with me
posted @ 12/5/2008 9:14:16 AM | Feedback (2)
A better response
I prefer the answer of "No carpet. Hardwood floors" myself.
posted @ 11/24/2008 11:23:46 AM | Feedback (11)
Face it, some people are just nucking futs.
Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him. They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling". A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier. I guess that's how they roll Down Under
posted @ 11/21/2008 10:38:10 AM | Feedback (2)
When technology makes us really, really lazy
posted @ 11/14/2008 10:18:53 AM | Feedback (5)
Say it isn't so!
Uncle wears Crocs?
posted @ 11/13/2008 8:45:31 AM | Feedback (8)
I often have this problem
Basic Instructions - How to Make It Clear That You're Joking I have a tendency to skip to the last step though...
posted @ 10/22/2008 7:54:33 PM | Feedback (2)
Finally, something funny I can laugh at
McCain buys ad-space in some video games. Of course, he's a little behind the times.
posted @ 10/20/2008 12:29:06 PM | Feedback (2)
AFL-CIO mass direct mailing on Obama
The AFL-CIO has mailed 80,000 flyers to try to paint over Obama's horrific record on Second Amendment support by showing a tough guy who supposedly likes his guns and thinks Obama is the cat's meow. Personally, I'm not sure this mailer is going to have the intended effect, but that's just me
posted @ 10/15/2008 7:30:54 AM | Feedback (2)
Quote of the day - Decisions, decisions editions
Speaking with Greg about the IDPA match on Sunday and if he'd like to come along Greg - I wish these matches weren't on Sundays. Its really hard for me to decide whether I want to cling to my guns, or my religion.
posted @ 10/8/2008 8:44:47 AM | Feedback (2)
Quote of the Day - Yeah, humans are like that edition
From a blog post discussing electric cars and their place in NASCAR - If NASCAR goes electric, CNN wonders, will fans stick around? Do they love the roar or the engines or the speed at which the cars move? Will they be satisfied with one but not the other? One commenter has his finger on the pulse of humanity I am 100% sure that as soon as the first crash happens and all you can hear is the car being shred to pieces accompanied by the death cry of the driver that fans will not want to go...
posted @ 10/7/2008 1:40:39 PM | Feedback (0)
He's got my vote!
posted @ 9/26/2008 9:15:03 AM | Feedback (0)
One and two, I can understand
But #3?
posted @ 9/23/2008 2:00:00 PM | Feedback (3)
The way car buying should be
If I were in the market for a Fiat, I'd buy it from this place
posted @ 9/16/2008 8:29:36 PM | Feedback (3)
Top ten other "figures of speech" Obama considered using
But of course, he's not talking about Palin 10. You can put perfume and a fancy dress on a whore, but it's still $25 to get your rocks off9. You know what you won't get with an Obama administration? Two words - Moose Knuckles8. It's the difference between a sneaky midget and a former Mayor of Wasilla in a race - you know, one is a cunning runt7. You can be the winner of the Eukanuba Championship and still be a bitch.6. Arranging a pot luck dinner for your redneck friends doesn't equate to...
posted @ 9/9/2008 8:53:52 PM | Feedback (18)
Flipping the switch - A short science fiction story by Robb Allen
Dr. Laurent had waited for this moment for practically all his life. The Large Hadron Collider hummed beneath his observation booth, ready for the first run. His hand paused above the activation switch just long enough for the few members of the press present to take a few pictures. He hated the dog and pony show this moment had become, but the press was necessary to provide the proof that the LHC would not destroy the world. "Gentlemen," Dr. Laurent spoke with authority, "I give you the Large...
posted @ 9/8/2008 7:08:39 PM | Feedback (3)
Why I'm not running for president
Because this is EXACTLY what would be going through my mind See more funny videos at Funny or Die
posted @ 9/5/2008 9:42:59 AM | Feedback (6)
That was nice of them
I heard that at the Republican National Convention they requested that there be special stalls in the men's bathroom to accommodate persons with a wide stance.
posted @ 9/3/2008 12:58:57 PM | Feedback (4)
Quote of the day - You got me there edition
From Sebastian's picture of me "Robb giving us the glamour pose" Justthisguy says: Y’know, I was thinking about saving Joe’s chimp-typing pic of Robb to my hard drive, to show to Robb’s kids later so they could use it for blackmail data (ed - he's talking about the last picture here), but then I thought; how can you blackmail somebody who does not understand the concept of shame?
posted @ 8/25/2008 9:03:02 PM | Feedback (0)
Blackwater - Purveyor of fine military training, gear
And Christmas Ornaments
posted @ 8/17/2008 7:02:13 PM | Feedback (1)
Quote of the day - Insensitive prick edition
From an IM conversation Gregory says:if you can't laugh at yourself, what can you laugh at?Robb Allen says:YouRobb Allen says: Retarded kids Robb Allen says:The handicapped Robb Allen says:It's easy, actually
posted @ 8/15/2008 10:27:38 AM | Feedback (11)
Misadventures in Jelly Belly combinations
In appropriately dim light, the Dr. Pepper and coffee beans closely resemble one another. Great care should be taken to not consume both at the same time mistaking one for the other. Those are two great tastes that taste like ass together.
posted @ 8/11/2008 4:34:18 PM | Feedback (2)
Ancient word of the day
alogotrophy n. 1753 -1853 excessive nutrition of part of body resulting in deformity Was he born with that huge head, or is it the result of alogotrophy? For modern usage, AlGoreTrophy can be substituted.
posted @ 8/4/2008 5:32:47 PM | Feedback (0)
Reply All is NOT your friend
Especially when you send this picture to Sebastian's father.
posted @ 7/23/2008 4:30:24 PM | Feedback (0)
The dream grill
Somehow, I don't think the Mrs. would have liked it though...
posted @ 7/22/2008 11:39:51 AM | Feedback (2)
Please, think of the puppies before you shoot
Tank tops and shooting do not mix. Ever. Guess what happens when stubborn girl wearing tank top/sports bra combo focuses on upper body form and locks her left arm while shooting?      A.  Her hits are better.      B.  Tank top/sports bra combo makes perfect basket for hot brass.      C.  There is laughter on video.*     D.  All of the above. Drop by to see the video.
posted @ 7/21/2008 5:58:21 PM | Feedback (0)
How D.C. gangsters get around the 'bottom-loading' machine gun ban
They use the side loading models!
posted @ 7/18/2008 4:51:35 PM | Feedback (0)
Quote of the Day - iPhone edition
Coworker (showing the GPS feature on his new iPhone): See, it uses GPS and shows you where you are. Of course, it shows me as being in the parking garage. Me: Close enough for a Hellfire...
posted @ 7/16/2008 7:45:54 PM | Feedback (0)
My irony meter just busted a gasket
The following statement was apparently uttered by the head of the AANR, the American Association for Nude Recreation "We're a family-oriented association," Schuttauf said. "That's very important, and we've been saying that for 75 years. There isn't an awful lot of room for co-existence." Next up, CEO of NAMBLA claiming it's a way to get children closer to male role models...
posted @ 7/15/2008 12:29:20 PM | Feedback (0)
In the mail
Bills, more than likely...
posted @ 7/15/2008 3:29:13 AM | Feedback (0)
Brady Campaign suicide watch
As in, that's all they're going to be able to look for now. They've reduced themselves to admitting that over half the gun deaths they claim are suicides. Sebastian has a good article on what that means for the Brady Campaign. So why are the anti-gun folks pushing this so hard?  Are they desperate?  Are they stupid?  I think the answer to the former is a little, and to the latter, no.  I couldn’t figure out why they might be latching on to an argument that’s clearly not going to get any...
posted @ 7/11/2008 4:57:53 PM | Feedback (0)
Day 7 - Showdown at the water cooler
I can't talk long. I dare not hold my head up too high lest someone blow it clean off. It's D-7 and counting here in Florida. On July 1st, a stupid law went into effect that allowed a select class of people to legally be allowed to store a firearm in their cars when they came to work. The aftermath was predictable. It's been seven days of blood in the cubicles. Oh shit! There's a gun battle waging on right now over toner near printer 5. I think Mandy from accounting just submitted her last TPS...
posted @ 7/7/2008 1:08:47 PM | Feedback (0)
Can any lawyers out there help me?
I need some legal advice. I want to see if I have a case against Home Depot. Yesterday I went to buy a new grill, a Weber Genesis E-320. While waiting for someone to get a forklift and get the last, black one off the very top shelf, I was forced against my will to listen to Hanson's Mmm-Bop. Nobody, not even terrorists, should have that kind of torture put upon them. I'm thinking about asking $12 million in damages. Sound reasonable?
posted @ 7/7/2008 12:25:35 PM | Feedback (0)
Paul Hemlke responds to the SCOTUS Heller ruling
posted @ 6/26/2008 5:32:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Does this count as an AOW?
This sawed-off shotgun was found in one of the vehicles at a party bust by the "Party Patrol." The "Party Patrol" is manned by King Country Sheriff's deputies and other local police agencies that crack down on underage parties to discourage teens from getting drunk and driving. [link] Um. Is 0" barrel length considered legal? It's almost like the media doesn't understand firearms. Hat Tip Outrageous Malfunction
posted @ 6/22/2008 3:42:35 PM | Feedback (5)
Giving the Brady Campaign my full support
This may come as a shock to many of you, but after years and years of stories of unnecessary and needless violence, I've finally changed my stance. Too many lives have been lost for me to continue to believe in some mythical right to own things that are devastating our children and our communities. I hope you will all open your minds and realize why I made the choice that I did. So, without further adieu, please welcome my full support and membership into The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gnu...
posted @ 6/22/2008 1:32:59 PM | Feedback (9)
A new twist on the common 'she was a good kid' shtick
Notice how every parent of someone shot or killed by the police for doing something blatently illegal always says the same thing like how good their kid normally was and whatever it was they were doing that caused them to get shot was not normal? This parent takes the cake. Her daughter wasn't holding a rifle, but rather a puppy. I'd quote it, but I can't afford the AP's rates. Update: Bonus! Here's the real story the AP stole. But that's not the story from Jennings' mother, Patricia Jennings....
posted @ 6/20/2008 3:44:25 PM | Feedback (5)
Real felony, make believe weapon
I think Saddam got busted for the same thing Melvin was charged with possession of a hoax weapon of mass destruction, being a felon in possession of a firearm, being a felon in possession of a Class 3 device -- the silencer -- and violation of probation.
posted @ 6/12/2008 7:59:32 AM | Feedback (2)
I've been LOL'd
A gift from the world's most dangerous reference librarian. And yeah, my eyebrow is doing some sort of magic, S-curve thing...
posted @ 6/10/2008 12:02:06 PM | Feedback (3)
Weapons grade crazy
From a guy at work's girlfriend. She snapped this with her cell phone on her way to work this morning That, my friends, is Grade-A Nuttiness. I'm not making fun of the message, rather the messenger. There's something about homemade signs on light paper, duct taped to the side of your van that just says "I get in arguments with myself. Daily".
posted @ 6/3/2008 12:09:08 PM | Feedback (7)
How to make a proper martini
Seems like Greg and Law Dog are proffering their recipes for martinis, so I thought I'd give my opinions on them. Gin - Brand unimportant as all gin tastes like what you'd expect cheap cologne to taste like.Vermouth - A thilly thounding thpirit. Again, as it will be mixed in with the gin, it's quality is irrelevant.Olive - disgusting little rancid grapes. Mix any ratio of gin and vermouth in a mason jar. Shake the living fuck out of it or stir it with one of those mini tongue depressors they...
posted @ 6/3/2008 9:48:36 AM | Feedback (6)
In honor of National Tourettes Awareness Month
I've decided to tone down my language. However, the phrase fuckity fuckity fuck will still be used with wild abandonment.
posted @ 5/29/2008 12:16:48 PM | Feedback (4)
More reasons to ban guns
So I'm chatting with Greg and he sends me a link to a story about a shooting. What makes this different is that Greg personally knows the victims The three men, identified as Robert Latner Brown, 20, Curtis Alexander Watkins, 19, and Glen Whitestone, 18, became verbally abusive toward them and denied any wrongdoing, Cooper said. "The victims then drove away and their car was peppered with gunfire," Cooper said. Greg writes Gregory says: the assailants are claiming my friend flashed a gun...
posted @ 5/29/2008 11:56:57 AM | Feedback (2)
Something to be very proud of
I'm #1 on Google for Brady Campaign Parody. Oddly, the Brady Campaign is #4...
posted @ 5/27/2008 5:23:57 PM | Feedback (1)
Tears. No, seriously
Ain't me, but I'll take credit nonetheless! "Did I say Column Right?"
posted @ 5/27/2008 3:02:48 PM | Feedback (1)
To all the ladies out there
It's perfume, not marinade.
posted @ 5/27/2008 7:35:26 AM | Feedback (4)
Quote of the day - Nothing left to do, then, edition
From an IM conversation with Greg i just finished reading the internet last week... nothing left to surf
posted @ 5/22/2008 10:56:34 AM | Feedback (1)
Google search phrase of the day
Yes, yes they do.
posted @ 5/20/2008 7:44:08 PM | Feedback (0)
What makes this guy's nuts so special?
Click for enlargenationism
posted @ 5/17/2008 5:43:45 PM | Feedback (2)
What I won't be wearing to the airport tomorrow
But it is tempting...
posted @ 5/14/2008 9:56:30 AM | Feedback (3)
Top 10 things Obama plans on doing on the campaign trail after visiting all 57 states
Try all 45 flavors at Baskin Robins Watch Snow White and the 9 Dwarves with his kids Divide by Zero Push for legislation declaring Pi to be 2.75 Run the quarter mile in 1,230 feet. Hope Change Bowl a 38 And the number one thing Obama plans on doing on the campaign trail Visit the last state, Alaska and Hawaii
posted @ 5/12/2008 11:55:20 AM | Feedback (5)
Word of the day - Crotchfruit
A euphemism for children. Greg used it in conversation. I snortled.
posted @ 5/9/2008 4:06:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Spam of the day
Hell, I'll show everyone -
posted @ 5/7/2008 12:44:19 PM | Feedback (7)
I have no idea what you were searching for
But I highly doubt you're going to find this here I like my tits dangerous, baby.
posted @ 5/5/2008 2:44:09 PM | Feedback (7)
Quote of the day - Ain't that the truth edition
From my previous post trust me, there's no such thing as an "attempted suicide" with a .44 Magnum
posted @ 4/30/2008 6:39:22 PM | Feedback (0)
About the picture of my daughter
I had someone comment on why would I ever want to take a picture of my daughter with such a rifle. Simple, I explained - I wanted a photograph that showed the juxtaposition between something that is generally associated with terror and mayhem and something that is innocent and innocuous, like the rifle. It's art, baby.
posted @ 4/27/2008 8:22:18 PM | Feedback (7)
Quote of the day - Coworker's email edition
So Xavier pointed out this rather bizarre camera which I then emailed to several of my photography oriented coworkers. 4”x5” camera made from Aluminium, Titanium, Brass, Silver, Gem Stones and a 150 year old skull of a 13 year old girl. Light and time enters at the third eye, exposing the film in the middle of the skull. My coworker responds I'll wait for the 18 year old skull model to come out before I buy. The prices should come down by then.
posted @ 4/24/2008 10:00:04 AM | Feedback (3)
Because I'm like that
You know those obnoxious "Truck Nuts" that you see hanging off the bumpers of all the Git-Er-Dones? You know, the ones politicians are now wasting time trying to ban? I found you can buy them in keychain sizes. I seriously would love to put those on my Jeep.
posted @ 4/21/2008 1:40:14 PM | Feedback (3)
Personal notes
I have a large tattoo that says "In Memory of Dad. 1948-2008" He gets annoyed when I remind him he needs to kick the bucket soon or else I will have wasted $150 on the damned thing.
posted @ 4/19/2008 12:23:02 PM | Feedback (2)
Dear Mrs. Obama
Don't even try to touch Breda's pie
posted @ 4/13/2008 9:10:09 PM | Feedback (0)
Holy shit!
I guess I should watch my damn language Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating
posted @ 4/1/2008 8:51:22 AM | Feedback (5)
HRC-47 Sniper Rifle
Hat Tip Q&O
posted @ 3/27/2008 9:19:21 AM | Feedback (2)
Why I went with the 6.8 SPC
The .223 / 5.56mm was primarily designed to humiliate the person being shot. The 6.8 was designed to kill, even if it doesn't hit the intended target. Even though they both use the same lowers, you can clearly see that the 6.8 Remington Special Purpose Cartridge is a superior round. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words* *And of course, Photoshop's worth about $500 bucks...
posted @ 3/25/2008 7:09:04 PM | Feedback (8)
My first and last post about the Sptizer incident
Nearly $5000 an hour for a hooker? What the hell does she do for the other 54 minutes?
posted @ 3/11/2008 11:14:34 AM | Feedback (6)
Forget the .50 Caliber Terror
Bow to the immense power of the .09 Caliber Pistol. Deadly. Concealable. Terror inspiring.
posted @ 3/7/2008 8:13:25 AM | Feedback (0)
I swear, it's not me
Rumors are going around that I might have something to do with this. I wish I could take credit for it.
posted @ 2/29/2008 1:44:53 PM | Feedback (0)
Frustrated already with the NRA
So, I get a knock on my door this afternoon and lo and behold, it's the UPS guy with my first wheelbarrow of cash from the NRA. Except apparently they send you the wheelbarrow first then the cash later. And, after spending $35 with them, apparently all they could afford to send me was a used, rusty wheelbarrow -   Damn thing even had a flat tire How am I supposed to wheel around tons of cash in that thing? I knew I should have joined the Joyce Foundation. They pay much better.
posted @ 2/12/2008 3:56:13 PM | Feedback (4)
Uh oh. I wonder if Breda has an alibi
Because this sounds like something our resident librarian might do An alert clerk at a Wallingford UPS Store was preparing to ship the plastic-wrapped books on Jan. 31 when she noticed that one of the hardbacks rattled, according to police reports. The woman shook the book and spotted a gun part slipping through the pages. The clerk phoned police Monday, after attempting to contact the sender. Searching the books, officers found a disassembled Beretta handgun, three loaded magazines and two...
posted @ 2/8/2008 3:26:42 PM | Feedback (6)
Political bumper sticker for Super Tuesday
 
posted @ 2/5/2008 3:07:52 PM | Feedback (4)
Instant classic
Take one part "The Princess Bride", one part "Paul Helmke", and four parts of damned fine creativity. Shake well and serve.
posted @ 1/31/2008 12:05:41 PM | Feedback (2)
Oh, gee, thanks.
Put on 10 pounds over the holidays and everyone makes fun of you...
posted @ 1/21/2008 2:55:30 PM | Feedback (1)
Why men have better friends
Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night.  The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.  The man called his wife's 10 best friends.  None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night.  The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.  The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still...
posted @ 1/10/2008 11:00:13 AM | Feedback (1)
From the "No one ever accused him of being bright" department
CLEARWATER - A manager at a carwash recognized the man caught on a surveillance videotape breaking into the business: The man had applied for a job there, police said.
posted @ 1/8/2008 3:48:48 PM | Feedback (2)
A blast from the past
Found this on my hard drive. I used to have it online, but the image hosting company apparently had different views than me and deleted this image without telling me. Now, I run my own show.
posted @ 1/6/2008 7:26:49 PM | Feedback (3)
This means war
The Mrs. has decided that when we get the new kitchen, my 1970's Tupperware Sugar Container has to go. I grew up with this thing. It was how I poured sugar on my cornflakes as a child, it was how I put sugar in my coffee as I grew up. I had to use my cunning wits to pry it away from my Dad and his wife (I bought them a new sugar container and "Hey, since you don't need that old one any more!" - She now regrets the swap). Sure, it's ugly as sin. Sure it's a color that went out of style with...
posted @ 1/6/2008 9:51:47 AM | Feedback (5)
Not only is this doormat funny on the front
The back is rather hilarious as well
posted @ 12/14/2007 3:48:37 PM | Feedback (1)
No, Breda, you shouldn't feel bad
Breda worries about how much her blog is worth... Mine is worse... My blog is worth$-11.20 You actually owe us money.How much is your blog worth?
posted @ 12/13/2007 6:56:19 PM | Feedback (3)
Take THAT, Baby Jesus
Breda indicates a rather...um, odd placement of a cannon and a nativity scene Clicky to Embiggie
posted @ 12/12/2007 2:30:58 PM | Feedback (2)
Quote of the day - Don't ask, don't tell edition
Matt Sanchez, as interviewed by Right Wing News' John Hawkins Personally, I'd settle for gays serving, if Congressman John Murtha would stop outing himself as a Marine
posted @ 12/12/2007 8:05:20 AM | Feedback (1)
Doing my part to combat Global Warming
posted @ 12/5/2007 12:11:51 PM | Feedback (2)
It's time to admit that it is a living, breathing tablet
I get really tired of people telling me the 10 Commandments are "written in stone". Well, technically they were written in stone, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that the so called "Laws of God" mean something different today than they did thousands of years ago and it's time we started treating the 10 Commandments as the Living, Breathing Document it truly is. Take for example #1 - I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. The archaic language notwithstanding...
posted @ 12/4/2007 4:06:00 PM | Feedback (9)
Presented without comment
 
posted @ 12/4/2007 2:40:56 PM | Feedback (9)
Ok, this scares me. Bad
I don't mind that you can pick up Uranium Ore off of Amazon This isn't the stuff you put in bombs and it's not going to give you cancer if you hold it. It's very, very, very weak stuff. No, what bothers me most is this... I'm... speechless... Hat Tip Evan at Brain Terminal
posted @ 12/1/2007 5:37:35 PM | Feedback (9)
Well, that answers that question
Yes, yes he does.
posted @ 11/14/2007 8:51:23 AM | Feedback (5)
Quote of the day - Instant Messaging edition
From a conversation I'm having right now about shotguns and ammo Gregory says:exactly.  I mean your supply of 10mms is a good thing for normal evil people, but you really need 3" magnum buckshot to deal with the undead. Robb Allen says:True. But I've also found that a great way of dealing with zombies is to indicate that it's election day. They'll then amble around looking for a polling place so they can vote for Democrats.
posted @ 11/6/2007 9:33:56 AM | Feedback (5)
Kucinich Responds To UFO Story Critics
God, that's funny.
posted @ 10/31/2007 1:08:02 PM | Feedback (0)
If you truly loved your kids
You'd send them to Japan so they could run through Pikachu's vagina.
posted @ 10/24/2007 11:22:17 AM | Feedback (5)
More defective guns
When will we elect people who will finally put an end to this travesty? That, and 80° weather is simply wrong for deer hunting. I'm not sure I could even shoot at a deer with hands that aren't shaking from the cold.
posted @ 10/22/2007 6:48:38 PM | Feedback (0)
Florida - The land of Sunshine, Beaches...
and homoerotic messages on construction vehicles Click to embiggen I wonder if they do a lot of work with this company?
posted @ 10/17/2007 11:13:50 AM | Feedback (5)
Well, there's a new term
"Sweater Yams"
posted @ 10/15/2007 3:21:05 PM | Feedback (3)
I thought our printers were HP's
Turns out, they're AM's
posted @ 9/24/2007 3:27:54 PM | Feedback (0)
I wonder how much PSH I would invoke
If I were to actually make this shirt and wear it. Seriously though, I wonder if this would even be legal?
posted @ 9/14/2007 1:24:27 PM | Feedback (8)
Lightning McQueen - No overdose says lawyer
According to Lightning McQueen lawyers, the famed race car did not suffer an antifreeze overdose but had been taking synthetic oils to battle depression after his stunning loss at last year's Piston Cup. The racecar, who was rushed to the local mechanic after allegedly slashing his own tires in an attempted suicide, did not have his radiator pumped, says the attorney. McQueen was found by friend and pit crew member Tow Mater in his Santa Monica garage, and a 911 call report showed it was...
posted @ 8/31/2007 6:46:31 PM | Feedback (0)
I'm sure mine is worse
Michele gets annoyed with people's fancy ringtones on their cell phones. My phone in my cubicle actually has a screeching monkey as a ringer. Much, much worse than anything your little Nokia can put out, I assure you. Does that make me an asshole?
posted @ 8/28/2007 2:42:56 PM | Feedback (7)
More Bullet Lady
Stay tuned. I'll update this post with new ones as I come up with them.
posted @ 8/15/2007 9:22:06 PM | Feedback (1)
Ok, this is going to be way too much fun
Bullet lady - Now in convenient, "Pre-Photoshopped" form so you can add whatever you like. I isolated her hand and cloned out the bullets. You just add the doohickey in her hand and voila! Instant AP grade material. The Photoshop document can be downloaded here.
posted @ 8/15/2007 4:15:49 PM | Feedback (0)
I think I figured it out
You know how the price of lead is going through the roof? It's because China is buying it all to put into children's toys!
posted @ 8/15/2007 3:27:38 PM | Feedback (0)
Failures in architectural design
If you must design a parabolic shaped building, make sure you either face it away from the sun or landscape using metal and concrete rather than grass Click for full size Hat tip Twilley, who is either too lazy or to unintelligent to blog. I'm voting for a little of both.
posted @ 8/11/2007 11:11:00 AM | Feedback (5)
How drugs affect you
This is an old film from the 60's about giving spiders drugs and watching how it affects their web development. Very informative.
posted @ 8/7/2007 1:14:48 PM | Feedback (1)
I don't care who you are
This here is funny.
posted @ 8/6/2007 3:25:42 PM | Feedback (0)
Be careful what you wear
You might just get your mug shot taken in it
posted @ 7/19/2007 12:10:47 PM | Feedback (0)
Hey, she said she was 18
So what if I failed to take into consideration what lemur years are... blog.robballen.com WANTED FOR THE BIZARRE MOUNTING of a SCRAWNY LEMUR $1800What's Your Blog Wanted For?
posted @ 7/15/2007 11:38:07 AM | Feedback (0)
When the instructions tell you to carry around a spare set of pants
You might want to think about a different diet pill Sometimes, you can’t stop your weight-loss secrets from leaking out. Dieters have been flocking to drugstores to pick up Alli, the first over-the-counter weight-loss pill to be approved by the Food and Drug Administration, despite the scary warning: Stray too far from your low-fat diet and you just might poop your pants. Apparently, the pill causes you to not absorb 25% of the fat in foods. So, if you eat more than 42 grams of fat, this...
posted @ 7/8/2007 11:07:21 AM | Feedback (3)
However, for the sake of argument we must err on the side of severity
Islamic Rage Boy doles out the advice. Dear Abby better watch her infidel back.
posted @ 6/29/2007 2:49:55 PM | Feedback (1)
My mother, the comedian
Sent an email to my mother last night. I mentioned how happy and relieved I was that the immigration amnesty bill was shot down. Her response? Oh - if the amnesty bill had been voted in - I was going to move to Mexico - then cross the border and come in as an illegal alien - would get a LOT more benefits than I do now - like free groceries, medical care, banking account without a social security number, and if I went to college - could go as an in-state student, no matter what state I chose.  ...
posted @ 6/29/2007 7:14:58 AM | Feedback (1)
Desperate times call for desperate spam
So, I'm clearing out my spam trackbacks (I get hundreds of 'em a day) when I noticed one that said Vicoden Tablets. Tablet PC's. Table Tops. Topless. It's like the Wal-Mart superstore of spam!
posted @ 6/27/2007 2:06:59 PM | Feedback (0)
You know your campaign for president is in trouble
When even raunchy & crude T-shirt manufacturers are making fun of you. I'm sure T-Shirt Hell isn't exactly a bastion for conservative thought, either. I highly recommend that if you don't get offended too easily you peruse through their wares. And, even if you're like me and don't get offended easily, I guarantee you you'll still get offended.
posted @ 6/14/2007 7:55:16 AM | Feedback (3)
The unavoidable confusion that comes from being very young
Yesterday, the Mrs. and I were furniture shopping. Georgia was at summer camp and Irelyn was merrily burbling the way only a 2 year old can burble in her car seat. I think it's a natural instinct that whenever parents pass small groups of bovines that we yell at our kids "Look Honey! Cows!" As if cows were some sort of rare sighting that should be written down in the annals of the child's history so that one day they could sit with their grandchildren and tell them that long ago, they once saw...
posted @ 6/13/2007 12:14:56 PM | Feedback (2)
Oh, it's really easy
You want to create a cashless society? Put all the married men on a island. There. Done.
posted @ 5/24/2007 3:40:05 PM | Feedback (0)
Remove drinks from area before reading this
Lileks describes a Disney World hotel room The room: nice. Colorful. I’ll say this for the quantity of pubic hair in the bathtub: it’s not a lot. I prefer to think of them as “Jiminy Crickett’s eyelashes,” which is how I explained them to a disbelieving child.
posted @ 5/15/2007 10:44:01 AM | Feedback (0)
Gun advocates definitely have their heads in the right place
Kevin, over at The Smallest Minority, has a great piece up about the "supposed decline of gun ownership" in America. At the tail end of the post, he tells us this UPDATE: I swear, I wrote this piece before I ever saw this. To which his commenters reply What does an instapundit post about strippers have to do with gun owners lying to pollsters?Stormy Dragon | Email | Homepage | 05.08.07 - 8:17 pm | # Eh, it's a post about strippers. Who needs an excuse?Mastiff | Email | Homepage | 05.08.07...
posted @ 5/9/2007 7:58:20 AM | Feedback (1)
Who's is the biggest?
Nick Anderson is a pretty big liberal cartoonist. Half of the time, his cartoons are just too lefty for me. The other half of the time, he's a riot. Today, he whacks one out of the park.
posted @ 4/28/2007 8:24:03 PM | Feedback (0)
And damned proud you should be!
Random camera phone picture
posted @ 4/25/2007 3:01:47 PM | Feedback (2)
We have a level 9 stupid alert!
Man sets meth fire, goes shopping Jonathan Zaletel, 19, was cooking meth in a bedroom closet about 7 p.m. Tuesday in the 1200 block of North Alma School Road near Ray Road when the fire started, authorities said. He unsuccessfully attempted to put out the fire by tossing water and window cleaner on it. When that didn't work, he decided to head to a nearby Wal-Mart to buy a fire extinguisher. Being that this idjit is still drawing breath, Darwin would have changed his mind had he lived in...
posted @ 3/18/2007 3:44:32 PM | Feedback (1)
Ask and ye shall receive
From Shooting the Messenger on seeing the movie 300 Now comes the hard work. Teaching them what Molon Labe means. Rearing a new generation that would rather die than bend knee to a despot. Were I any good at photoshopping, you know, like Reuters and the AP do to make phony pictures look real, I'd feature Pelosi on a throne ala Xerc, sitting cross legged and demanding we give up our arms or die. Ok, how's this?
posted @ 3/11/2007 9:20:07 PM | Feedback (1)
An open letter to Glock, Inc.
Dear Glock, I recently purchased a 10mm Glock 29 and I am sad to say that your reputation for producing "quality firearms" is undeserved. Since my purchase, your firearm has completely failed to live up to its promise. I have been told time and time again that easy access to firearms is the number one cause of violent crime in today's society. Well, being a concealed weapons permit holder, your so called 'gun' is always within reach and to this day, I've yet to shoot anyone over a parking...
posted @ 2/19/2007 3:04:34 PM | Feedback (4)
Jim Zumbo, Staples Stock Clerk
As I write this, I'm opening boxes of Post-It Notes in the main store in southeastern Wyoming with Freddie Svenson, Dayshift Manager for 3M, Grant Vennison, who is senior research engineer for 3M, and several other stock boys. We're testing Freddie's keys to his 1978 Pacer on several boxes of the new, hot-pink Post-It Notes. I must be living in a vacuum. Grant tells me that the use of 'box cutters' have a rapidly growing following among stockmen, especially office supply workers. I had no...
posted @ 2/19/2007 8:56:42 AM | Feedback (27)
Damn
I was going to do this when I got home. Wuzzadem beat me to the punch.
posted @ 2/8/2007 3:32:37 PM | Feedback (0)
It takes a big man to laugh at himself
In this case, it's Kevin Federline, but we'll cut him some slack. This Nationwide "Life comes at you fast" commercial is, like their other ones, hysterical. The fact it contains the former Mr. Britney Spears is even better.
posted @ 1/30/2007 12:54:36 PM | Feedback (3)
Oh the irony
So the other day at work, a group from HR was walking around selling donuts to raise money to combat diabetes. Isn't that like selling hypodermic needles to fight drug use?
posted @ 1/23/2007 4:19:57 PM | Feedback (2)
Not sure what you were looking for, dude
Just checked my referrals. Got someone from Google searching for "Is beheading painful?". I'm going to venture a guess and say "Oh, it hurts like hell".
posted @ 1/8/2007 1:22:35 PM | Feedback (1)
A bumpersticker I saw over the weekend
Hit me right in the funnybone.
posted @ 11/20/2006 9:03:25 AM | Feedback (0)
Definitely teh funny
Today at The Superficial Gwen Stefani was spotted leaving her hotel in London over the weekend looking like she just finished a cage match against an angry badger. And her son Kingston looks cute as hell as a miniature special ops operative. I picture him crossing into hostile territory and taking out enemy leaders armed with nothing but a knife and his sippy cup. And maybe a jar of applesauce if he gets hungry And this gem right below, discussing the fact that Brooke Shields was invited to...
posted @ 11/14/2006 2:24:36 PM | Feedback (0)
Silly liberals
I don't know what type of political points you plan on scoring by putting blackface on Anthony Hopkins. If you're not careful, he'll eat your kidneys with a side of fava beans...
posted @ 10/30/2006 3:58:58 PM | Feedback (0)
Quote of the day
President Bush said that if illegal immigrants want citizenship they’d have to do three things: pay taxes, hold meaningful jobs, and learn English. Bush doesn’t meet those qualifications. PJ O’Rourke
posted @ 10/16/2006 3:00:06 PM | Feedback (0)
A truly tasteless shirt
If there really is a hell, I'm probably going there for creating this... click to enlarge It was that or create an ad for the New Steve Irwin Stingray Experience at SeaWorld which was just as tasteless. 
posted @ 10/3/2006 1:53:46 PM | Feedback (3)
Answering my fan mail
Today's entry from the mail bag is from From: Angela HodgesTo: Robb AllenSubject: Important Question Do you have any erection problems? Have a nice day. Wed, 20 Sep 2006 19:14:17 +0360 Y6AOFB7 Dear Angela,     No. Sincerely,Robb
posted @ 9/20/2006 10:05:57 AM | Feedback (2)
In case you've misplaced your "Men's Rulebook"
So, recently I overheard about someone who made the lethal error of asking a woman when she was due. The punchline, of course, is that she wasn’t pregnant. Let’s open the Men’s Rulebook to Chapter 17 – Talking to women you have no intention of having sex with. Question #12,720 – She looks pregnant. Should I ask her about her due date? This question is a loaded gun and it is not safe to look down that barrel with your finger pressing on the trigger. No matter how sure you are that she is...
posted @ 8/14/2006 12:13:00 PM | Feedback (4)
Creativity
posted @ 8/9/2006 9:03:00 AM | Feedback (4)
I swear, it's not me.
A buddy of mine has been playing around with Picasa and uploaded a few images of me. I went to see if Google Images had picked it up and did a search for “Robb Allen”. This is one of the images that popped up. I’m assuming Google has confused my beer making habit with my transexual photoshopping skills. This was too embarrassing to not share.
posted @ 8/9/2006 8:05:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Attn Reuters - I'm available for work
Seems not everyone likes my 5 million dollar Victoria Secret picture. Speaketh David from Daily Pundit Will you STOP DOING THAT! It was bad enough the first time. This must be about the fourth outing for that monstrosity. I'd just finished lunch. Now I've thrown up a bit in my mouth. I'm nothing, if not a giver.
posted @ 8/7/2006 7:28:00 PM | Feedback (4)
Things I learned from Friday's Texas Hold 'Em get together at the brother-in-law's
People online are dumber than real people. I can beat online people. I cannot bluff. If I touch my chips, everyone folds. No matter how hard you try, a 7 of clubs and a 3 of diamonds will never turn into something worthwhile. When I get dealt my first and only pocket aces of the evening, everyone else will get 7’s & 3’s and fold. $20 disappears pretty damn quick, even when playing nickels and dimes. Alcohol helps you feel better while you’re losing . The same alcohol that made you...
posted @ 8/7/2006 8:56:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Just in case there are 3 people in the world who haven't seen this
There’s nothing funnier than a daschund with narcolepsy. Nothing.
posted @ 7/31/2006 12:46:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Definitely not a kid friendly joke
A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down. He steps out into the oppressive, 108° heat and notices oil pouring out of the engine. He has the car towed to the nearest town and waits at the mechanic’s. Unfortunately, the mechanic’s waiting room is not well air conditioned and the penguin, not acclimated to the hot weather, starts to get uncomfortable. He sees an ice cream stand down the road and thinks “Being a penguin, I really could go for something ice cold” and...
posted @ 7/25/2006 10:51:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Sometimes the comments are better than the posts
Over at Goldstein’s where a free form comment thread seems to be emerging I had one of those hummingbird feeders in my back yard. One time as a joke I laced it with methamphetemines. Did you ever see those pictures of a jet fighter with condensation clouds around the wings? Imagine 7 or 8 of those in miniature. Really cool. One little fellow got scared by a cat. Broke the sound barrier. Posted by N. O'Brain on 07/21 at 08:06 AM
posted @ 7/21/2006 12:06:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Today's spam winner
Refined incest videos Riiiiiight. I mean, I can't stand those rednecky, uncultured incest videos so I'm assuming the refined ones have to make for much better viewing.
posted @ 7/10/2006 10:13:00 AM | Feedback (1)
When typos go bad
Amazon’s review of Joe Satriani’s latest album, Super Colossal Amazon.comOne of the most innovative voices in contemporary American music, guitarist Joe Satriani celebrates two decades as a recording artist by releasing yet another consistently strong and refreshing platter of soulful goodness. Like his former student and sometime sparring partner Steve Vai, Satriani shows his virtuosity rests not only in his command over his instrument but also in his command of composition. "It's So Good,"...
posted @ 7/7/2006 1:40:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Gravity + Toyota + A million or so rubber bands = FUN!
YouTube will destroy us all.
posted @ 7/5/2006 3:29:00 PM | Feedback (0)
I'm torn over this...
I just did it again. I’ve simply got to believe it has something to do with the quality of my clothing and not with me having a fat ass (which I don’t. No… really!)
posted @ 7/5/2006 1:57:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Joke of the day
How many Southern Baptists should you take fishing? Two. If you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer. (I was reminded of that joke here)
posted @ 6/29/2006 2:42:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Exciting new SaaM feature! The Pants-Cam!
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen – Using the latest, wireless technology, you can now experience the breathtaking view down my pants, live!!! I’ve got to work on the lighting issues, sure, but hey! Live feed!
posted @ 6/12/2006 11:23:00 AM | Feedback (1)
The anklebone is connected to the brain pan
Iowahawk isn’t taking the Z-man’s demise lying down. Best phrase – Personally I think I'm lookin' straight GQ, seeing as I just got a 500-pound laser guided curb stomp. Shit cuz, y'all should see Kahlid, a.k.a. "Ceiling Spackle." At lest the reports from hell will be interesting.
posted @ 6/9/2006 12:45:00 PM | Feedback (0)
My continued marriage to my wife is a constant source of amazement to me
My (almost) 4 year old, Georgia, is sick today. Didn’t even want to go to dance class. The Mrs. and I had the following email conversation. Wife: I just checked her temp. I gave her tylenol at 9:30 and her temp just now is 102. Yuck! Me:  Ugh. Keep me informed, ok? Wife:  She hasn't eaten anything and only had a couple sips of juice. She says she's not hungry or thirsty. She's very pathetic. I'm just letting her lay on the couch and watch t.v. Me:  Oh my God, honey. It sounds very,...
posted @ 6/7/2006 1:26:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Just for Floridians
Saw a clip a while back from the Daily Show where they were discussing a hot topic here in my home state about a lady who keeps a “Support the Troops” in her yard against the community’s rules. The following phrase just nails Florida perfectly (speaking of plastic pink flamingos) If you can’t keep tacky shit in your front yard, how will people know they’re in Florida?
posted @ 6/5/2006 10:14:00 AM | Feedback (0)
And the winner for this weeks "Best Spam Subject Line" goes to...
“I do for bullshit what stonehenge does for rocks” Seriously, with a line like that, I’m considering buying from these guys. Cheep Ci..a!..i.s and a university degree! How can I go wrong?
posted @ 5/30/2006 9:40:00 AM | Feedback (1)
You'll laugh, you'll cry....
You’ll freak your inner metrosexual out. I have not laughed this hard in ages. Safe for work…. Kind of… File this one under Humorous Manscaping. Hat Tip Joe, of whom I’m starting to worry about.
posted @ 5/26/2006 7:57:00 AM | Feedback (0)
My continued employment is a constant source of amazement for me
Especially after receiving an All IT email from the Vice President, who in an effort to get us all to join a special ‘thank you’ type outing, ends with Don’t miss this opportunity. How many times do you get the chance to blow out of work early, drink beer, and play video games?  To which I promptly replied:  Usually every Tuesday. My boss, of course, replies with: What address should I mail your stuff to?
posted @ 5/5/2006 9:29:00 AM | Feedback (2)
He was either witty or witless
Either way, the maintenance guy who put this sign on the broken toilet gave me a laugh.
posted @ 5/2/2006 11:59:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Not the right place, Honey.
So my wife likes to keep the Guideposts magazines in the holder by the toilet. I dunno about you, but when I'm on the can, I'm not usually in the mood for divine inspiration. A little divine mercy maybe, but not inspiration.
posted @ 4/29/2006 7:13:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Yeah, I know....
Hey all. I'm really sorry about the dearth of posting lately but... Yes? I'm sorry? Can I help you? I don't know, you called me. No I didn't. Yes you did. Right up there. You said 'DARTH' No, I said DEARTH. D-E-A-R-T-H, not D-A-R-T-H! Don't get mad at me, buddy. It's not my fault you've got nothing interesting to talk about and instead have to resort to cheesy homophones with fictional...
posted @ 4/28/2006 7:18:00 PM | Feedback (6)
A SaaM "Ben Domenech" moment
Those testimonials up there to the right..... Not mine. I feel better. Do you forgive me?
posted @ 3/27/2006 1:42:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Pardon me
But have you seen a blog post around here? I didn't think so. Thanks anyway.
posted @ 3/21/2006 7:19:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Don't blame me
I only gave him the idea…
posted @ 3/20/2006 8:41:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Did he just call the founding fathers "hole poopers"?
Yes. Yes he did. What an odd feeling. I’m offended and laughing at the same time.
posted @ 3/15/2006 12:45:00 PM | Feedback (0)
TPS Coversheets & 24
So, a guy at work has been following this seasons' 24 pretty closely. I of course opted out for this season, but honestly miss it because I hear people talk about it all the time. Anyway, my coworker noticed that on IMDB you can see the cast listings for each episode of 24... Including future episodes. Spoiler warning - it kind of gives away who is dead and who isn't. Anyway, looking at a particular future episode, my coworker noticed that Ron Livingston has a part. Many of you might recognize...
posted @ 3/14/2006 10:18:00 AM | Feedback (2)
A true tale of corporate bureaucracy gone bad
Manager B of server department asks Employee A for a list of his servers and the applications on them. Employee A asks Manager A if she could get him the list. Manager A asks Director A for the list since she remembers giving it to him. Director A assumes the server people would have this information and asks Manager B for the list to give to his people. Manager B calls Employee A and asks that he hurries up with the list as there are now Directors asking him for it. Somewhere, Labrador...
posted @ 3/13/2006 3:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Amazing facts about Jack Bauer
Probably old, but I care not. It’s still funny If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha) Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. When Kim Bauer lost her...
posted @ 3/4/2006 8:24:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Bueller doesn't get it
But I think my new bumpersticker is a riot. Especially in this context
posted @ 3/2/2006 5:32:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Sure Chief.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and...
posted @ 2/28/2006 9:10:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Quantum physics humour?
I’m thinking about making this bumper sticker (from MakeStickers.com) And, in a similar vein
posted @ 2/23/2006 9:05:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Joke of the day
Cheney: Hey Ted, wanna go hunting? Kennedy: Only if I can drive.
posted @ 2/14/2006 12:33:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Three little tidbits of thought
(1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. (2) Our Constitution "They keep talking...
posted @ 2/14/2006 7:49:00 AM | Feedback (4)
US not doing so hot in the olympics
Especially not after this fiasco. Hope we do better in 2008….
posted @ 2/12/2006 10:54:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Scientifically proven to be damn sexy
So I’m over at Phil Haack’s place, and I see he’s found a nifty gadget that does facial recognition and picks someone famous who you resemble. The results of yours truly? Marble… Sharp as a Marble….
posted @ 2/8/2006 8:43:00 PM | Feedback (5)
Apparently, my wife knows about my secret psychic powers
True story: The phone rang yesterday. I had my arms full of baby, so my wife answered the phone. Mrs. Marble: Uh-huh.... Uh-Huh..... {looks at me} Can I ask him who is calling?
posted @ 1/26/2006 12:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)
When regulations get ridiculous
I’ve ranted about how stupid I find most restaurants’ obsession with plastic gloves that do nothing to protect customers from unsanitary conditions, but this one is even funnier. The deli at the local Publix from where I work has a hairnet policy. Now, many of the women who work there have long hair and often it’s not all kept in the hairnets which is ironic in itself, but this takes the cake The dude is 100%, completely bald. What, pray tell, is the hairnet protecting me...
posted @ 1/19/2006 10:44:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Parrot provides pal proof of partner's preference for proxy penis
Kept saying “I love you, Gary.” – Owner’s name was Chris. LONDON - Chris Taylor, a 30-year-old British computer programmer, grew suspicious of his live-in girlfriend when his pet parrot began to imitate her saying, “I love you, Gary.” Ziggy, an 8-year-old African gray parrot, would also make kissing noises whenever the name Gary was mentioned on TV and would mimic Collins saying, “Hiya, Gary,” every time she answered her mobile...
posted @ 1/17/2006 11:00:00 AM | Feedback (0)
I usually hate stereotypes
But this has to be the best blonde joke ever.
posted @ 1/10/2006 12:43:00 PM | Feedback (3)
The inherent violence in today's preschool toys
So for Christmas my daughter got Word Whammer™ Fridge Phonics™ Set from Leapfrog. Basically it’s a set of letter magnets and a magnetic box that you can put 3 of the letters in to spell various words. One of the modes is a game where the voice tells you to spell a word and you try to find the letters and put them in the right order. The very first word it asked to spell? WAR Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
posted @ 12/31/2005 1:54:00 PM | Feedback (5)
Why is it?
That little kids suddenly reach an age where they can no longer smile normally for a picture and instead end up looking like something straight out of a psycho movie?
posted @ 12/22/2005 9:52:00 AM | Feedback (6)
I guess I was wrong. There is a slight resemblance
Hubris has pictures of himself and his kids hamming it up in front of the web cam. I, of course, have to comment  Has anyone ever told you that you look absolutely nothing like Liberace? Posted by: Robb Allen (Sharp as a Marble) | December 11, 2005 at 01:13 PM Hubris responds Robb, step away from the PhotoShop application. Thaaat's it. Nice and easy. Posted by: Hubris Sorry, bud, but too late……
posted @ 12/12/2005 12:53:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Ever Google an ex-grilfriend only to discover she's become a porn star?
Me neither. Depressing the more I think of it.
posted @ 12/5/2005 1:41:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Quote of the day
And from my own comments, nonetheless Rocket science isn't what it used to be. For most of the really nasty math, I use computer programs or just put the launch pad far enough away in case something goes wrong....
posted @ 11/30/2005 1:02:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Senator Kennedy conducts a third grade math class
Sen Kennedy: Now Tommy, what's 7+12? Tommy: Uhh.... 17? Sen Kennedy: LIAR!!!!
posted @ 11/15/2005 11:14:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Blog update
I know I haven’t been updating the blog like a good blogger should, but it’s because I’ve been working on a piece that should be fairly lengthy and in depth and I want to make sure I give it enough attention to assure my facts are straight and that my writing is coherent. Here is what I have so far. I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time now and I As you can see, it still needs a little work. Any thoughts?
posted @ 11/10/2005 8:28:00 AM | Feedback (0)
President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
From Broken News Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to do the job before they went on...
posted @ 11/8/2005 1:07:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Light posting for today
posted @ 11/3/2005 9:25:00 AM | Feedback (2)
Important Sharp as a Marble correction
The Sharp as a Marble editorial board would like to apologize for a mistake in an earlier posting. George W. Bush has just announced Justice Alito as his nominee for Sandra O’Conner’s seat, not (as reported earlier) Just a Burrito. We have no idea why Bush would have nominated a burrito and apologize for the confusion or if the previous typo caused you hunger pains in any way.
posted @ 10/31/2005 10:44:00 AM | Feedback (4)
Important Sharp as a Marble product defect recall
Sharp as a Marble Laboratories issues recall on Limited Edition Official Hugh Hewitt GOP Cheerleader Doll! Several models of the Hugh Hewitt ‘Go Miers Go’ cheerleading dolls are being recalled due to a defective voice chip. Affected models no longer chant the proper “Miers Miers, She’s our pick!” phrase and instead scream at their owners for not supporting the president’s choice. It has also come to our attention that Mier’s withdrawal from...
posted @ 10/28/2005 7:50:00 PM | Feedback (3)
A visual representation of Bush's current political popularity
Amongst conservatives, nonetheless!
posted @ 10/25/2005 2:48:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Random Thoughts From Schrödinger's Cat (Part II)
Dude, someone hurry up out there and observe, dammit. This hairball I choked up last week ain’t getting any fresher, if you catch my drift.
posted @ 10/24/2005 3:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Jeff Goldstein confronts an NFL referee*
We have an intentional grounding by the quarterback. There is a 10 yard penalty…. Excuse me. Who the hell are you I’m Jeff Goldstein. … You know.. “Protein Wisdom” Sounds gross. What the hell are you doing on the field? Where’s security? I have a pass. I’m the manager for the armadillo. You mean that cute little dancing fucker at...
posted @ 10/24/2005 1:23:00 PM | Feedback (5)
Needless to say....
     
posted @ 10/17/2005 2:59:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Protein of the United States
Oh, I’m having too much fun with this……
posted @ 10/14/2005 9:45:00 AM | Feedback (1)
And so the stalking begins
Poor Jeff Goldstein. It’s idiots with Photoshop like myself that probably were the cause why he avoided having his picture on the web for so long…. It’s too late now Jeff. All your pixels are belong to us….
posted @ 10/14/2005 8:09:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Quote of the day
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin
posted @ 10/12/2005 1:44:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Blogging naked!
You know, I’ve heard a lot about the thrill one gets when blogging naked, so I’ve decided to try it out, and let me say one thing….Wow!!! This is very, very liberating. Being that I let it all hang out metaphorically speaking when I blog, this just seems to be a logical extension. There’s something about the freedom of blogging naked that just clears my mind. It’s like once I’m free of the restrictions of my clothing, the restrictions on my...
posted @ 10/11/2005 2:24:00 PM | Feedback (2)
You need one
Buy one of these. It really clears thing up!
posted @ 9/3/2005 10:57:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Flood coverage takes devastating toll on Sheehan campaign
Camp Crawford, Tx – As the deluge of tears threatened to wash away the handful of protesters left, Cindy Sheehan spoke of the horrors the recent flood coverage by the media has had on her cause. Wearing a ‘No Flood For Oil’ t-shirt, Sheehan spoke to a throng of two or three journalism students about the aftermath of the recent Katrina coverage. “It has been awful,” Sheehan said, barely able to conceal the pain in her voice. “This morning, I woke up and was...
posted @ 9/2/2005 9:51:00 AM | Feedback (6)
Foiled!
Guy at work turned 50 yesterday. A group of people decided to wrap every single item in his cube with aluminum foil. Pencils, papers, staplers, keyboards, etc. They even opened boxes, wrapped whatever was inside them, then wrapped the box. Then they rubber-banded everything together. click for full size Not only was it funny, but any time I was near his cube the voices in my head went away.
posted @ 8/24/2005 10:13:00 PM | Feedback (2)
What if Journey got back together and made children's songs?
“Oh the wheeeeeeels on the bus keep a turnin’”
posted @ 8/24/2005 8:18:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Behold the healing power of Saint Sheehan
Many of you out there do not recognize the power of faith. Foolish are those who do not understand how divine intervention can change the physical world in which we live. For example, Sharp as a Marble had fallen upon hard times in the Truth Laid Bear ecosystem. Fewer and fewer people found their way onto my steps and my ranking had dropped considerably over the past few months. There are those who say I should work harder, that I should put more effort into my blog if I want people...
posted @ 8/22/2005 1:26:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Grilled cheese sandwich claims to have image of Mother Sheehan
Crawford Tx. – Thousands of people gathered today to try to catch a glimpse of a grilled cheese sandwich that supposedly sported the likeness of Mother Sheehan, the Patron Saint of Left Causes. Mrs. Sheehan is grieving her lost son Casey, who was killed in combat after apparently being forced to volunteer for military duty, and currently camping near President Bush’s vacation ranch to protest the war. Mrs. Sheehan was recently bestowed the highest honor the Left can...
posted @ 8/15/2005 9:18:00 PM | Feedback (21)
There's "Wrong", "Plain Wrong", and then there's this...
Hat tip Evil White Guy
posted @ 8/15/2005 1:17:00 PM | Feedback (6)
Selling deep freezers to eskimos
So I bought a Ryobi 3000 PSI pressure washer today. Already put it together (with the help of my father since I can’t lift anything for a few days) and even did a little house cleaning with it. I’m sure my doctor would have had a fit, especially when I first hit the trigger and the 3000 PSI rammed the handle 3 inches from my injured nut sack. I love this thing. Lot’s of power, well laid out, easy to move around, and lots of features. However, I have to point out the one thing...
posted @ 8/13/2005 8:49:00 PM | Feedback (1)
One of the most useful Photoshop tutorial I've ever seen
Why does Victoria’s Secret airbrush out the nipples of their models? If you’re as annoyed by it as me, then this tutorial is for you.
posted @ 8/12/2005 7:05:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Dirty joke
A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is lying on the bed, reading a book. The farmer picks up a sheep he had brought with him in the room and throws it on the bed. “That’s the pig I screw when you’re not in the mood,” says the Farmer. “That’s not a pig, that’s a sheep, “ replies his wife. “Shut up, “ says the farmer, “I’m not talking to you!”
posted @ 8/11/2005 6:19:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Curse you, Bill Gates!
And your stupid “automatic updates” too….
posted @ 8/10/2005 3:51:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Why I oppose John Roberts for the Supreme Court
Because I really wanted Judge Judy up there. Or Wapner, but I’m not sure he’s got much left in him.
posted @ 8/10/2005 9:04:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Quotes from IM conversations
Paris Hilton is one of those people who, if through some odd freak of physics, was sucked into a wormhole, I'm not sure I'd care. 'Cept for the wormhole thing. That'd be cool.
posted @ 8/9/2005 2:16:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Quotable quotes
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
posted @ 7/13/2005 8:47:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Modern nursery rhymes
Georgie PorgiePuddin’ and pieKissed the girlsand made them cry.When the boysCame out to playGeorgie Porgie had to inform themThat he was a registered sex offender
posted @ 7/6/2005 7:50:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Still #1 for tits
I'm still the #1 Google search for 'show me your tits'. While no one has taken me up on my offer, I at least can show you mine.
posted @ 7/5/2005 8:35:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Never leave your PC unlocked
Especially around me. A friend logged into his PC from mine. He forgot to log out. Now, when he opens his C drive, he’ll be greeted with this….
posted @ 7/1/2005 2:08:00 PM | Feedback (4)
I probably don't need to tell you what I THOUGHT this said
Oddly Enough News Article | Reuters.com Supporters of the Amal Movement leader celebrated the same way in Lebanon's south and other mainly Shi'ite areas
posted @ 6/30/2005 1:33:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Experiments in high dosages of caffeine
In my never ending quest to determine the maximum threshold of human caffeine-level safety, I have determined that 9 cups of strong coffee can induce one to see moiré patterns in solid colors. I find blue is the most interesting to watch.
posted @ 6/30/2005 9:36:00 AM | Feedback (1)
An HR case just waiting to happen
Just overheard in another cubicle Girl: I would offer you some, but it has slobber all over it. Unless you want the other end. Some days my will to keep my mouth shut is really put to the test…..
posted @ 6/29/2005 3:45:00 PM | Feedback (1)
I'm full of pith right now
Tho a trip to the potty ith a good idea. Thee you when I get back.
posted @ 6/29/2005 2:56:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Another missed camera phone opportunity
Went to Publix to pick up lunch. Bald guy making sandwiches…..with hair net.
posted @ 6/22/2005 4:00:00 PM | Feedback (0)
What would Freud say about this?
How to be a complete dick when designing a logo The game designers across the nation are playing is; can they design a logo and get it approved without the client realizing it's a big spurting penis? Man, some of these are so obvious it’s scary, but in my opinion the most subtle one (Bellwether) is the best.
posted @ 6/22/2005 9:39:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Inappropriate music selection
As many of my 7 readers know, I suffer from panic attacks. Sucks to be me, eh? Anyway, I have to go to a psychiatrist every here and there to have someone remind me that I’m nucking futs. So I’m in the waiting room yesterday and like most waiting rooms, they have a local radio station playing softly in the background. The song I had to listen to? Seal – Crazy.
posted @ 6/17/2005 9:23:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Someday, I Too Shall Pull a Prank of this Magnatude
I will never, ever, ever be able to go to a museum again after reading this. The temptation will be too great.
posted @ 5/26/2005 4:01:00 PM | Feedback (1)
SCUDs.
Everyone knows about SCUDs. They’re the people who look like they might be very attractive from a distance but when they get closer, you realize they are of the opposite gender than originally assumed or have a face that would make Medusa grab a pocket mirror and turn herself into stone. Take this one girl I ran into. From behind, you could definitely tell she was ‘goth’, but the frame and caboose suggested a little hottie. I ended up in an elevator with her....
posted @ 5/16/2005 2:23:00 PM | Feedback (7)
Irony So Thick, It's Almost Painful
I got two games included with my GForce 6200 video card: Prince of Persia – Sands of Time and Splinter Cell – Pandora Tomorrow. So I installed PoP. Had a good time and finally beat the game. Amazing graphics and having an Athlon XP64 helps. After I completed the game I decided to install Splinter Cell. You know, the game that came with my video card. The game told me my video card was not supported. Go figure!
posted @ 5/16/2005 12:50:00 PM | Feedback (0)
It Sounded Dirty, But....
Just now, at work, I received an email from my boss in the cube next to me. She was working with another female coworker. After reading the email, this was the following conversation shouted over the wall Me: What about the width? Female Coworker: Width is unimportant. Just don’t force it in. Needless to say the other workers in the area thought it a risqué exchange. We were discussing the resizing of an image that had been sent to me.
posted @ 5/3/2005 3:44:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Who Knew?
A lot of world events have surfaced over the past few weeks, many of which have intrigued me. While other pundits are happy to simply discuss these events, I usually try to delve a bit deeper into their meanings and how these events shape the world around us. While it’s true that discussion can often enlighten people, it’s a slow process and I’m a man of the new century, raised on overnight delivery, instant potatoes, and movies on demand. So I decided to embark on the fastest...
posted @ 5/2/2005 10:57:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Hey Jan! Your Thong is Showing
Everyone should know I have a crush on Sam, but if Jan keeps hinting at me like this, I might change my mind….
posted @ 4/28/2005 8:11:00 AM | Feedback (2)
Today's Reverse Racially Insensitive Ha-Ha
I wouldn’t put my money on this guy pulling through.
posted @ 4/26/2005 11:34:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Shattered Fantasies
So yesterday I’m driving home, wishing that I could take off the hard top and just enjoy the beautiful weather. Florida may be hot, flat, and totally bereft of attractive landscape, but the weather can be phenomenal during the springtime. Anyway, so I’m at a stop light and this (and I swear this is the only word I can think of) absolute Goddess pulls up next to me in some fancy sports car. Folks, I’ve not seen a woman this beautiful in a long time. She had long, dark...
posted @ 4/21/2005 9:13:00 AM | Feedback (9)
You Know What's Really Funny?
A nun with Tourettes Syndrome.
posted @ 4/18/2005 2:03:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Threat Level Raised
Washington, DC – Tom Ridge, Director of Neverland Security has raised the Molestation Alert from Tanned to Caucasian, the highest level of the new color-coded system. Ridge appeared before reporters, visibly shaken and told the press “ The Department of Neverland Security in consultation with the Neverland Security Council, has made the decision to raise the national threat level from an Elevated to High risk of Michael Jackson molesting a child, or Level Caucasian. The...
posted @ 4/14/2005 2:18:00 PM | Feedback (4)
Blogging Burn Out
I’m really getting tired of blogging and I think it’s about time to take a well deserved break.               OK, that’s better. Just needed a short reprieve. All is well now.
posted @ 4/13/2005 2:26:00 PM | Feedback (1)
I Supported A War For Oil....
And all I got was $53.30 a barrel and $2.20 at the pump! Where’s the cheap oil we’re supposed to get? I mean, what good is warring for oil if the prices go up? It’s almost like the war wasn’t really for oil but that can’t be true!
posted @ 4/8/2005 3:08:00 PM | Feedback (2)
This Morning's Scientific Endeavor
I’m on a quest to see how many cups of coffee I can drink before typing becomes difficult. uppdate;apppattnetly, 12 to13.z.vcups does thhhe ttirikc
posted @ 4/8/2005 9:49:00 AM | Feedback (2)
The Waffle House Experience
The Mrs. cannot stand Waffle House. The two times I’ve been able to drag her there since we’ve been together, she’s gotten sick off of the food and has steadfastly refused to ever go back. So I’ve been without my beloved double order of hashbrowns scattered, covered, chunked, and topped* (cheese, ham, & Bert’s Chili) doused with a hefty amount of ranch dressing and tabasco for quite some time. Last night, when I got home Kari informed me she was tired and not...
posted @ 4/8/2005 8:05:00 AM | Feedback (11)
The Citizen Journalist Report: Transcript
If you missed out on Bill & Jeff’s Rightalk Radio show, The Citizen Journalist Report yesterday, don’t worry. I’ve got the transcript right here {intro music} Bill / Jeff: Hello and welcome to the Citizen Journalist Report. Jeff / Bill: One of is is Jeff Goldstein and the other is Bill Ardolino Bill / Jeff: It’s just hard to tell because it sounds like we’re using Campbell’s Chicken Soup cans and a used shoe string to talk through. Jeff / Bill:...
posted @ 4/1/2005 2:23:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Harry Potter Casting Surprise - Fleur Delacour to be played by Macaulay Culkin
Well, that’s who it looks like to me anyway. Fleur was supposed to be heartstoppingly beautiful. On a Hot Or Not scale, this chick doesn’t even rate ‘tepid’. I think Culkin would be a better bet anyway. Hat tip Sphinct0r, who needs a better nickname.
posted @ 3/30/2005 3:49:00 PM | Feedback (4)
I Smell a Lawsuit!!!
Saw this disclaimer on an eBay page UPS, the UPS brandmark and the color brown are registered trademarks of United Parcel Service of America, Inc. All rights reserved. They’ve got a trade mark on brown? Does that mean I have to pay royalties on my underwear? Is my skin in violation of copyright laws? Holy shit*! * Please ensure your shit is now be purple to avoid litigation,
posted @ 3/30/2005 2:22:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Signs That Let You Know You're In Atlanta
A few weeks ago I spent a week back home in Atlanta for some training. While I was there, I saw two signs that, well, you just have to see for yourself. The first was on a door of a fancy spa in Lenox Square Mall. I really wanted to get a massage and a manicure but I just couldn’t get in. (image slightly adjusted to make it more legible. Phone cameras still have a long way to go) And this one? You just gotta click on it to read it. I guess people in Room 201 need all the help they...
posted @ 3/29/2005 3:13:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Phrase of the Day
Heard this the other day. Don't know why it tickled me the way it didWhat would Scooby do?
posted @ 3/24/2005 3:02:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Things I Want That Do Not Exist
I want an artificial plant for my cube. 'Cept I want the leaves to be mostly missing and the ones still there almost totally brown. I want the flowers shriveled and grey with the petals falling out.I can imagine the conversations now..... (insert dreamy harp sound effect here)Coworker - Ummm, what's wrong with your plant?Me - It died.Coworker - Died? It's plastic.Me - Yeah, I have horrible luck with plants.Coworker - But how can it die? It's plastic for Pete's sake.Me - I guess I didn't...
posted @ 3/24/2005 2:04:00 PM | Feedback (4)
Don't Worry, I'm Ok
But I was visciously attacked by a hermit crab at a pet store. I was trying to show my daughter how cute it was when it tried to put the vulcan death grip on the palm of my hand. No blood, which was amazing considering the 300 psi pressure the somabitch used.
posted @ 3/22/2005 7:43:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Misheard Lyrics III
From Blondie's Heart of GlassOriginal Lyrics: Yeah, riding high on love's true bluish lightWhat I Heard: Yeah, Right. I got blown through Jewish lies.I'm willing to bet a psychiatrist would have a field day on that one.
posted @ 3/9/2005 12:15:00 PM | Feedback (0)
God, I Did Not Need to See This
Please, make it stop!!!!
posted @ 3/2/2005 10:23:00 AM | Feedback (2)
The Amazing Potty Mouth of a 2½ Year Old
Last night the Mrs. & I were on the way to her brother's house when we saw someone we knew a few cars ahead of us. As I tried to pull up next to her, the cars in front of me failed to start moving when the light turned green. My wife, frustrated, said "Oh..damn people..." under her breath.Apparently, not under enough. Immediately, Georgia repeated what she heard. Verbatim.Her first obscenity! I'm so proud ;)
posted @ 3/2/2005 8:17:00 AM | Feedback (4)
Why I Feel Humans are Doomed to Extinction
When the facilities department puts up signs like this to warn us employees, I realize that we as a race are just too stupid to survive. (this is an actual picture taken today from where I work).click to enlarge
posted @ 3/1/2005 12:56:00 PM | Feedback (8)
EXCLUSIVE!!!! Glenn Reynold's Sidekick Hacked!
This is HOT! I've got some information that was hacked out of Glenn Reynold's Sidekick. Apparently Paris Hilton isn't the only celebrity who has had their personal information pulled from their cell phone.Here you can see some stuff from the 'notebook' Glenn Keeps. It's somewhat cryptic, but you can almost get a sense of what's going on with his life.GG FGT SLT BTCH!HACKED BY THE PPYBLNDRS AT DFNCTSCusername: GREYNOLDSpassword: indeedEdit Edit8:53 PM, November 24, 2004 A 1Buy a lap top to rplc...
posted @ 2/25/2005 11:42:00 AM | Feedback (5)
Oldies but Goodies
I'm reposting these Photoshops I did because (a) I think they're funny and (b) I put them out when my readership was in the low teens.
posted @ 2/24/2005 4:19:00 PM | Feedback (0)
I Came Close to This Once
But I'm holding on for my faithful readers.Apparently, this guy didn't.{h/t You've been Haacked]
posted @ 2/23/2005 9:21:00 PM | Feedback (1)
If Fox's Hit Show 24 Was a Little More Realistic (Part I)
Scene: Agent Jack Bauer stands outside an interrogation room with CTU Director Erin Driscoll. An elderly woman is being questioned.Bauer: What have you found out so far?Driscoll: Well, her ID checks out as does her address at 2318 Shady Acres Retirement Villa. We've had her in interrogation room B for 30 minutes but so far, not much else. We may have the wrong suspect.Bauer: Bullshit, Erin! Nobody flies Delta carrying both nail-tweezers and a set of knitting needles. This granny was part of...
posted @ 2/16/2005 11:27:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Come to Think About It
Even with the name Smuckers, it isn't that good....
posted @ 2/15/2005 7:43:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Bumpersticker Fun!
Michele shows off her bumperstickers. I'm showing off mine.Now if I could only get her to show off her headlights....Update:
posted @ 2/10/2005 11:43:00 AM | Feedback (1)
The Pen May Be Mightier Than the Sword...
But it ain't nothing compared to the fist. 
posted @ 2/7/2005 2:12:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Confusing Acronymns
All over the blogosphere people are using SOTU when referring to Bush's State of the Union speech.I can't help seeing STFU instead.Which, in my miniscule opinion, is quite apropos.
posted @ 2/4/2005 12:39:00 PM | Feedback (2)
You've Been Warned
Do not under any circumstances click on this link!!!!!!!!Forget NSFW, this is NSFAUAC (Not Safe For Anyone Under Any Condition). Don't do it! 
posted @ 1/24/2005 9:09:00 AM | Feedback (2)
Did I Hear That Right?
There's several websites that allow you to enter in misheard lyrics (one of the more popular ones is KissThisGuy.com). Just thought I'd share one that I always thought was funny.From Hey Nineteen by Steely DanActual Lyrics: The Cuervo Gold, the fine ColumbianWhat I heard: The Cuervo Gold, The pine cones run the earth.As a kid, I must have had some sort of tragic event with a conifer.Feel free to discuss your own misheard lyrics.
posted @ 1/21/2005 1:45:00 PM | Feedback (9)
President Bush's Fake "Moon" Draws Fine, Ire
President Bush was slapped with a $10,000 fine for pretending to pull down his trousers and moon the audience in an impromptu "victory dance" at the end of the inauguration today. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas) penalized Bush for unsportsmanlike conduct in a letter released by the GOP. "Your actions were based on poor judgment, did not reflect well on you or the GOP, and were insulting to many," DeLay wrote. "They have resulted in widespread criticism and needlessly detracted from...
posted @ 1/20/2005 1:29:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Breaking News: Massive Explosion Outside of Fast Food Restaurant
Flint, Mi. - A local Taco Bell restaurant has been severely damaged after a massive explosion in the parking lot destroyed the pavement and shattered the windows of practically every building within a mile and a half radius. Officials speculate that the blast ruptured an underground gas line causing the lingering stench that has draped the entire city.Although there are no reported deaths at this time, interviews with employees of the Taco Bell indicate that the blast may...
posted @ 1/18/2005 3:37:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Update on Lasergate
Hubris has the lowdown on a capture and new developments.
posted @ 1/14/2005 1:04:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Blowing My Wad in Other's Comments Part II
Redsugar Muse took this test to determine what type of intelligence she had. Her results?Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic IntelligenceYou are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.You would make a fantastic poet, journalist,...
posted @ 1/7/2005 2:46:00 PM | Feedback (1)
A Cry For Help
What follows is an actual, honest to God email sent to me the other day.From: XXXXXX<xxxx@xxxx.com>To: robb.allen@gmail.comDate: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 00:38:31 -0500Subject: concerned parenthey robb -  question, on sat night my 14 yo son went to the high school prom.  came home fell asleep after the "after party"at our house, and oxy clean granules were all over the couch and inside his shirt pocket.I thought something was fishy about this but didn't know who to go...
posted @ 12/22/2004 8:42:00 AM | Feedback (3)
A VH1 Special You Shouldn't Miss!
Cranky has the scoop.Hat Tip The Blog Formerly Known as Hot Lesbo Star Wars Chick Pundit.
posted @ 12/21/2004 3:26:00 PM | Feedback (0)
For the Geeks Out There
My wife was looking through the Best Buy circular in the Sunday paper. She asked me what a USB Drive was since she saw a whole bunch of them. I responded that it's a portable storage device and that I'd like one for my MP3's so I could take them to work but that I needed a 512M or greater and they were a little too pricey for me.She looks a little longer and says "Here's one for $29 that says it's 802.11 gigabytes (802.11g)"She didn't understand why I was laughing so hard.
posted @ 12/19/2004 1:23:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Kerry's Campaign Manager Describes Problems With the Campaign
Cahill: Kerry Camp Underestimated AdsCAMBRIDGE, Mass. - The campaign manager for Sen. John Kerry's failed presidential bid said Wednesday she regrets underestimating the impact of advertisements that featured John Kerry. Mary Beth Cahill, who spoke at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government with Ken Mehlman, President Bush's campaign manager, said the Massachusetts senator's campaign initially thought there would be "no reach" to the ads where John Kerry took a particular stand on any...
posted @ 12/17/2004 4:01:00 PM | Feedback (4)
BOW BEFORE MY MANPANTIES OF EVIL!
Just go look. I'm still laughing. Update: Come to think about it, Manpanties of Evil might just be a better name for this blog.
posted @ 12/15/2004 3:35:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Combination Guest Posting and Audio-Blogging
Today, SaaM is privileged to have a guest blogger who will be doing an audio blog as well. Ladies and Gentlemen (and Sean Gleeson too), please welcome "Jerry the Mime".Click Here for Audio of "Man Stuck In Box"
posted @ 12/15/2004 10:57:00 AM | Feedback (3)
When Frank J. Speaks - You Listen
Frank answers Kevin "Drummer Boy" Drum's stupid question 4) On a related note, which do you think is more important to the Bush administration in the short term: preservation of a stable oil supply from the Middle East or spreading freedom and liberty throughout the region? .... I say oil is more important to the Bush administration... or at least I hope it is. Ever try running your car on a democratic Middle East? Frank J. - Not just for breakfast anymore!
posted @ 12/9/2004 9:53:00 AM | Feedback (0)
SaaM Navel Gazing Report
Holy shit, that's a lot of lint!And am I really getting that tubby?
posted @ 11/30/2004 1:38:00 PM | Feedback (3)
My Experimental Jeff Goldstein Post
PW: Christ! Why do I even bother? I bet you people don't even know who Richard Brautigan, Leif Garret, or Kobayashi Issa were.Macintosh Apple: *
posted @ 11/29/2004 2:19:00 PM | Feedback (2)
An Infinite Monkeys / Infinite Typewriters Production
The amazing things you can find online at TargetHow to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? Hiroyuki Nishigaki     The reviews are in and we have a holiday winner!Reviewer: twomartinis2 from Charlotte, NC United States This book will blow your mind, not to mention your O-ring! I have learned so much control by reading this book. I can now accurately launch cherry stones into my wastebasket; and its not even near my...
posted @ 11/27/2004 9:21:00 AM | Feedback (1)
I Just Realized How Educated Stupid I Am!
Why haven't I heard about the Time Cube until so late in my life? It is beyond my power to explain Time Cube, so I shall give you an excerpt from the site. Time Cube is "T.O.E.", theory of everything. Time, Life and Truth are Cubic Principles, a natural creation of ineffable opposites. It requires no brain to believe in a word god or to be educated by one, but it requires the wisdom of opposites to know both are fake. Caltech professors practice obscurantism and can not ever allow...
posted @ 11/23/2004 1:08:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Great Reasons for Being Male #21,453
Today, in a meeting while everyone's focus was on me, I had to scratch my nipple.No one even batted an eye.
posted @ 11/23/2004 11:13:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Uh, Oh. I May Have Celebrated Too Early
The Mrs. just sent me another test picture....
posted @ 11/22/2004 11:05:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Bad Idea, Dude
The Big Trunk over at Power Line has a suggestionAccording to the Washington Post, Mohammad Alanssi, the bearded gent shouting "Allah" outside the White House yesterday, was an FBI informant, and his self-immolation was a protest of the conditions of his employment: "Terror informant ignites himself near White House." If the Michael Moore brigades had any decency, they would follow this gentleman's inspirational example and express their death wish via destructive acts confined to themselves....
posted @ 11/16/2004 12:07:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Important Sharp as a Marble Retraction!
Alberto Gonzales has been named as John Ashcroft's successor to the Attorney General. Sharp as a Marble, due to a miscommunication from our news desk, accidentally reported that the post would be going to Speedy Gonzales.Please disregard any previous reports. We are sorry for any confusion we may have caused. The spokesmouse for Señor Gonzales assures us Speedy is still in stable condition at the Home for Cartoon Hasbeens and not able to perform at children's parties much less the role of A.G.
posted @ 11/10/2004 1:58:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Do Women Encounter the Same Phenomenon?
I don't know if women experience this, but as a guy I've noticed this thing I call "The Shitter Sniff". It works like this. Invariably, every time I walk into a bathroom and someone is birthing a litter of tapered brown snakes in a stall, they will, upon hearing the restroom door open, elicit a loud 'sniff' as if to mark their territory. It's audio shorthand for "Don't jiggle the stall door man, I'm busy in here."Guys at the urinal do no such thing as there is generally very little worry...
posted @ 11/4/2004 3:34:00 PM | Feedback (9)
What do Cambodia and the White House have in common?
You won't find John Kerry in either on Christmas!Hat Tip WindyCity over at Ace of Spade's
posted @ 11/3/2004 6:21:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Early Exit Poll Results
Tampa, Fl -  Early exit polls for the Sharp as a Marble household show Bush leading Kerry by a whopping 100% margin (with 50% of the family reporting). Reached for comment, the Kerry campaign complained "That's because the SaaM council won't allow the dog, cat, or the 2 year old to vote. It's a travesty."When asked, Robb Allen, author of the popular web blog Sharp as a Marble said "The dog  and two year old are definitely Bush supporters. I'm not sure about the cat,...
posted @ 11/2/2004 12:29:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Filmaker Michael Moore Sues Bin Laden Over Copyright Infringement
Poughkeepsie, NY - Filmaker Michael Moore has recently filed a lawsuit claiming copyright infringement against Al-Qaeda CEO Osama Bin Laden."This recent video released by the Al Qaeda organization is a blatant rip-off of my film Fahrenheit 9/11," said Moore during a Northeastern Pork & Beef B-B-Q festival in New York. "I have worked hard for years developing my own personal style of anti-Americanism. To plagiarize my film as a thinly veiled threat against America is...
posted @ 11/1/2004 10:36:00 AM | Feedback (2)
Funny Flash Movie
Political Bohemian Rhapsody. Not Quite "This Land" but still quite a hoot.
posted @ 10/28/2004 1:48:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Ruined for Life
Frank J. was on a radio broadcast the other day. He's just as funny to listen to as to read (although I found him to sound a bit shorter than I thought). However, IMAO.us has always remained an enigma as to what IMAO stands for. International Monkey Assassination Organization? Internal Ministry of Anal-retentive Octogenarian? Who knew?Just like Sampson got his strength from his locks of hair (much like John Edwards), Frank's comedic prowess came from the mystery surrounding the IMAO...
posted @ 10/13/2004 9:20:00 AM | Feedback (0)
John Kerry Looks for Funding for His 2 Trillion in Social Programs
I mean, where else does he think would it come from?Maybe this was what he was looking for?
posted @ 10/7/2004 10:35:00 AM | Feedback (2)
So Smart I'm Dumb
So I'm having a dickens of a time with my clutch on my Wrangler. I'm losing clutch fluid and I can't get the damn thing into gear. So, I decided to go ahead and drop her off at my local mechanic. In order to beat the rush, I dropped her off when they opened at 7:30. That of course meant I did not have a fully conscious wife available to come pick me up.So, I decided I'd be smart. I'd take my P.O.S. laptop with me and read my e-book copy of Slackernomics from Dale Franks (of Q and O blog...
posted @ 10/7/2004 8:13:00 AM | Feedback (1)
Roman God Janus Sues Kerry for Copyright Infringement
Claims Kerry dilutes trademark "two face" lookYeehaw Junction, Fl. - Associated Marble Press has learned that Janus, the Roman god with two faces whose name gives us January, has filed a lawsuit against presidential candidate John Forbes Kerry. The lawsuit claims that Kerry's positions on Iraq, taxes, ownership of Chinese assault rifles, and war voting record have caused consumer brand confusion."Janus is deeply upset at his recent numbers," said M. Hermes, spokesperson for the gods....
posted @ 9/28/2004 10:31:00 AM | Feedback (0)
John Kerry Orders a Coffee
Clerk: Would you like some coffee sir?Kerry: When I was in Viet Nam, we didn't get coffee. We had to kill the Viet Cong and take theirs, and most of the time it was cold because in Viet Nam, they didn't drink it hot. When I got back to the States, and this may or may not have been during Christmas, I dropped a cup of java on my lap and it was seared - seared I tell you - into my thighs. I don't want any of that, and I believe this is correct, foam. Now Bush wants to give tax breaks to rich...
posted @ 9/24/2004 12:48:00 PM | Feedback (0)
How to Choose a Book
From Middle Age Madness we learn the difference between Titanic and Bill Clinton's My Life.Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe Titanic: Jack is a starving artist Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar Clinton: Ditto for Bill...
posted @ 9/21/2004 3:06:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Possible Photo Forgery Calls Bush's TANG Commitment Into Question
*** MUST GIVE CREDIT CARD NUMBER TO SHARP AS A MARBLE ***Tampa, FL. - The White House today refused to answer questions about a popular photo released by the Bush campaign regarding Bush and his TANG service. "Bush absolutely fulfilled his commitment to TANG", White House spokesman Scott McClelland said during a press conference today. "The photos are accurate and we have no reason to question their authenticity."However, within hours of the photos release, various web logs, or "Internet...
posted @ 9/20/2004 9:23:00 PM | Feedback (11)
Sick, Disgusting, and Yet Still Funny
This morning on the Bob & Tom show, they were talking with a guy who had worked for Microsoft for a while dressing up like a pirate to promote Microsoft's Anti-Piracy agenda at tradeshows.Classic line...A pirate as the mascot for anti-piracy? That's like a pro-life hanger.
posted @ 9/17/2004 1:01:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Engrish
My daughter received this little aquarium night light for her birthday today. It was made in China and the wording on the box was hilarious Engrish. Check out this jewel
posted @ 9/11/2004 9:32:00 PM | Feedback (0)
You Might Be a Redneck....
...if this is your idea of a jacked up ride. (click for full size)I saw this on the way to the in-laws and had to stop to get a picture. At least they weren't low profile tires, but still...
posted @ 9/7/2004 10:26:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Solving the Hurricane Problem
With Frances bearing down upon us so quickly after Charlie had his way, I have been thinking a lot lately on how we can deal with hurricanes.  I now know why the hurricanes always seem to hit us. Two words: Trailer Parks!The main thing I've realized is that God has something against trailer parks. Have you noticed how tornadoes and hurricanes always seem to go for the jugular at trailer parks? Armed with this knowledge, I made the following observations:Notice how the path of Frances has...
posted @ 9/2/2004 11:56:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Another 527 Ad Most Bush Fans Will Despise
I realize most of my 3 or 4 readers already read The Puppy Blender but this was too important to pass up.It seems like the Swifties are the darlings of the Right because they slam Kerry's service, but it seems this tactic is backfiring. Watch this ad and see why the 527's need to be stopped.{And not that he needs it, but here's Glenn's frickin' trackback}
posted @ 8/31/2004 11:44:00 AM | Feedback (3)
Top 10 Things I'd Rather Do Than Watch the RNC
10. Tivo the entire Facts of Life series and count the number of times Natalie sneaks off stage for a twinkie break (double checking for accuracy!)9. Take a ball peen hammer to my incisors and upper bicuspids8. Prank phone call Jeff G. repeatedly. Ask him if "everything's kosher", cackle loudly, then hang up.7. Rewrite the entire Patriot Act in ig-pay atin-lay.6.  Volunteer for Mall Security duty. Show up in full fatigues and ask when do I get to pepper spray some...
posted @ 8/30/2004 1:50:00 PM | Feedback (4)
Scott Ott Has a Book Coming Out!!!
Now this is something I absolutely must get. Scott Ott of ScrappleFace fame is one of the funniest writers on the scene. I can write just as funny, but my last name isn't 3 letters long and doesn't rhyme with my first name so I'm automatically disqualified from writing humor. That and Frank J. got the last of the comic licenses given out in Florida.
posted @ 8/23/2004 6:10:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Sometimes the Comments are Better than the Post II
From Dean EsmaySam (mail) (www):And re: Captain Planet - I can't believe the makers of this ecowarrior propaganda piece actually thought casting Whoopi Goldberg as Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth made me want to do anything other than pour crude oil on seagulls i've caught in my plastic sixpack rings and then roasting them on a styrofoam bonfire. I remember I watched the show as a kid, but only because they replaced He-Man with it.8.18.2004 3:11am You go Sam!
posted @ 8/18/2004 10:29:00 AM | Feedback (0)
I Keep Wasting My Best Material in Other's Comments
Sigh....Maybe I'll just make this blog a collection of my comments from other blogs. Damn, I forgot about 'context'. Never mind.
posted @ 7/27/2004 4:36:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Two Words that Should Never be Used in the Same Sentence, Ever
"Testicle" and "Piñata"
posted @ 7/26/2004 2:23:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Anyone Here Want to Waste a Few Hours?
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/I've been like this before. The object is to keep the drunk guy walking. Use your mouse to help him stay upright. Too far either way and he's taking a cement nap.It's in German, but there's nothing needed to translate, really.
posted @ 7/26/2004 12:51:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Man Accused of Hitting Woman With Gator
Wow. And you think we have problems casting votes?
posted @ 7/19/2004 2:29:00 PM | Feedback (0)
One comment I had to point out
Over at the Captain's Quarters, there's a discussion on how tax payers are going to have to start paying the health costs associated with obesity. I strongly am against this. However, I just wanted to point out one of those priceless comments that makes blogs so much funThe cost of "treating" Michael Moore alone will be staggering.And that's just mental health treatment. Imagine the obesity treatment!Posted by: Jerry at July 16, 2004 07:29 AM
posted @ 7/16/2004 2:30:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Something to laugh at
For both sides of the political fence, I offer this hilarious flash movie from Jib Jab. How nice to be able to laugh at both parties at the same time!The Bill Clinton / Hillary part made me shoot coffee out my nose!{h/t Misha}
posted @ 7/11/2004 8:12:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Advice on giving a 2 year old Jelly Belly jellybeans.
The dark green ones are Jalapeño, not Watermelon.
posted @ 7/10/2004 12:40:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Signs don't lie
 Hat Tip Wizbang for the original image
posted @ 7/4/2004 10:04:00 PM | Feedback (3)
Thank God my childhood wasn't this bad!
Laurence strings a bunch of one liners about children's games together - hilarity ensues
posted @ 7/3/2004 1:14:00 PM | Feedback (0)
EXCLUSIVE!!!! We have the John Kerry - Julia Thorne divorce papers!!!!
Recently, there's been an uproar over the recent release of Jack and Jeri (of Star Trek fame) Ryan's divorce papers against both parties' consent. It was said that the divorce papers had information that would be useful to voters as they try to determine who to vote for. John Kerry, a Viet Nam veteran, is trying to ensure that the records of his divorce from his first wife, Julia Thorne, are not released under similar circumstances. Well, my crack team of investigative reporters has...
posted @ 6/30/2004 12:50:00 PM | Feedback (22)
President Fumbletongue strikes again
You know, no one ever has accused Bush of being the intellectual type, but this takes the cake. I mean, One Hand Clapping thinks it's an honest mistake, and although the meaning is similar, it really looks like Bush flubbed this up as well. It is also of course totally feasible that he wrote it in a hurry and simply goofed up, but it doesn't help his image of having an IQ just slightly above soft butter at all.
posted @ 6/29/2004 4:02:00 PM | Feedback (2)
Michelle Malkin just mentioned me!!!!
OMG! Like Michelle “I'm hot, conservative, and a damn good writer” Malkin just mentioned me!!! Well, not directly, but she mentioned Hobb-ling which is a phrase I coined. I tell you, my rise to fame and fortune is happening right now. In the TTLB ecosystem, I'm like a parasitic pest or something. Watch out Puppy Blender, before you know it, I'll be on your heels! Indeed!
posted @ 6/23/2004 10:14:00 PM | Feedback (0)
Scott Ott jumps the shark?
I know the man is satirical, but his post entitled  'SpaceShipOne Pilot Glimpses Edge of Clinton Book Hype' is a little far out. I mean, the man only went to 62.5 miles in outer space. To see what Ott claims would take a trip to at least Saturn....
posted @ 6/22/2004 11:46:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Scott Ott has to be the funniest man on the net
Laura and I are pleased to welcome members of the Clinton and Rodham family, the only group that we have invited to pass through the metal detectors on their way out of the White House. Brilliant. Read the whole thing.
posted @ 6/15/2004 10:18:00 AM | Feedback (0)
Best news story of the day.
DES MOINES (AP) - A man who claimed he didn't get the taco he paid for has been charged with assault for allegedly pelting a Taco Bell clerk in the face with a chalupa. There are many things I have not been pelted with in my life. I'm glad a Chalupa is one of those items. Hat tip - Wizbang.
posted @ 6/8/2004 3:34:00 PM | Feedback (0)
My new nickname for George W. Bush
President Fumbletongue Saw that for the first time today in comments over at Asymmetrical Information where someone compared W. speaking ability to Reagan's. How apropos!
posted @ 6/7/2004 3:53:00 PM | Feedback (1)
You Rang?
Hat tip Rambling's Journal
posted @ 6/3/2004 1:46:00 PM | Feedback (4)
All I know about Terrorism, Counter Terrorism, and LA I learned by watching 24
Well, the season is over for Fox's 24. Jack is still alive, Chase isn't going to be winning any contests that involve clapping, and Tony will be busy coordinating people making car tags. All in all, the season started out real strong, but got a little wacky toward the end. For those of you who've never seen the show, each show is 1 hour and happens in real time. Because of this, here is what I have learned! LA is a small town with little traffic. You can get from any two points via car...
posted @ 5/26/2004 1:19:00 PM | Feedback (1)
Today's Glen Count
{as of 15:46 EST} More Here: 4Heh: 3Indeed: 2RTWT: 1
posted @ 5/14/2004 3:49:00 PM | Feedback (0)
If I blog, and no one is around to read it....
This blog should answer that question.
posted @ 5/13/2004 10:49:00 AM | Feedback (3)
TipJar
Dead Goblin Count
Dead Goblin Count
Other bloggers with guns.
Social Networks

Archives

Select Year:
Blogroll
*Bloggers I've personally met

Second Amendment

Sharpest Marbles

Blogroll

Funny, as in Ha-ha

Good Reads

Extended Blogroll

Industry Links