Very little assembly required.

posted @ 1/27/2012 8:27:27 AM | Feedback (0)

A war to end all wars

So the other night I had a dream that Massachusetts and Florida started a war. I remember trying to call JayG to ask him what the hell was going on, but I couldn’t get through. It got me to thinking though – Who would win. I mean sure, MA has Jay and his arsenal of stabby things and Florida is overrun with blue-haired ladies driving 45 on the freeway, and yes most Massachusettsians are already angry about living there, but I’d have to give a slight edge to my home state. Seriously, have you...

posted @ 1/26/2012 8:47:09 AM | Feedback (11)

Good news for Joe Paterno

He won’t be facing any charges on the whole Sandusky affair, so he has that going for him.

posted @ 1/23/2012 9:55:06 AM | Feedback (6)

Headlines that really, really grab your attention

Freak washing machine accident boils lab monkey alive I’ve been to parties like that. Hat Tip ChrisM in #gunblogger_conspiracy

posted @ 1/20/2012 12:46:04 PM | Feedback (8)

I don’t recall our volcano rolls being made like this

Took Georgia to a sushi restaurant for some Daddy / Daughter time. She loves California rolls, so I broadened her sushi-vocabulary by introducing her to Bagel (raw salmon and cream cheese), Tako (octopus), and Volcano rolls. I was trying to remember what was in volcano rolls and found… this. Remind me not to eat there!

posted @ 1/16/2012 7:05:02 PM | Feedback (4)

A note on MLK

Why is it the man preached peace and love, regardless of skin color, yet you’d not want to walk down any street named after him when it’s dark?

posted @ 1/16/2012 9:43:42 AM | Feedback (6)

When you’ve lost New Egg…

Drink warning

posted @ 1/16/2012 8:50:38 AM | Feedback (0)

New math

Got an email from AT&T talking about how I can save money on my monthly bill by purchasing a more expensive plan. I had no idea AT&T was government ran!

posted @ 1/9/2012 11:44:40 AM | Feedback (1)

Quote of the day

From spike in #gunblogger_conspiracy <spike> Michelle Obama Jokes: 'I Kind Of Like' Being Called Your Excellency'... <spike> I like calling her "former first lady"

posted @ 1/4/2012 12:15:49 PM | Feedback (6)

Well, I have been called ‘dreamy’

But this is kind of odd. I mean, IDPA? Really?

posted @ 12/15/2011 8:42:33 AM | Feedback (10)

What caliber for raccoon

Apparently, not a .22 Hat tip Mad Rocket Scientist

posted @ 12/13/2011 3:51:23 PM | Feedback (14)

If a non-brother attempts to talk like a brother

Is that Faux Shizzle?

posted @ 12/9/2011 12:37:32 PM | Feedback (2)

This bears repeating

posted @ 12/5/2011 1:45:01 PM | Feedback (10)

Forget the looming market crash or impending civil war

The end of times has approached on 8 legs. Somewhere up north, a certain librarian is stocking up on ammo and sighting in several rifles.

posted @ 11/22/2011 1:42:34 PM | Feedback (10)

Quote of the Day

From Facebook If you missed the Emergency Alert System Test, it will be in Hulu later today and Netflix On Demand by the end of the month.

posted @ 11/9/2011 3:23:04 PM | Feedback (0)

A serious proposal for the Occupy Wall Street crowd

So, I’ve heard that homeless people and ‘professional moochers’ have invaded and started eating all your organic tofu and goat cheese salads. That’s gotta be rough, but I have a solution for you that will help hammer home the point you people have been trying to make. Since you have all the food necessary to feed the people, we can consider it a place where you store goods… I dunno, call it a ‘food bank’ or something. We know that because you have only a limited amount of food, you need to...

posted @ 11/5/2011 1:36:53 PM | Feedback (7)

Funniest thing I’ve read all day

This is how news should be written Sexton was booked on suspicion of aggravated assault and felony criminal damage. He was taken to jail, where officers snapped this shot of him looking like someone just shit in his cereal. Hat tip Tango in #gunblogger_conspiracy

posted @ 11/2/2011 4:14:27 PM | Feedback (9)

Laugh of the day

Sean, in regards to Wisconsin going CCW today I felt a great disturbance in the Anti-Gun force, as if 10, maybe 15 voices suddenly cried out in terror and were basically ignored.

posted @ 11/1/2011 3:50:04 PM | Feedback (5)

I tire of the Zombie meme

But this? This is pure win!

posted @ 10/28/2011 11:00:16 AM | Feedback (6)

And the award for best description of a home break in goes to

Molon Labe – “unscheduled estate appraisal” Gonna work that into every conversation I can now.

posted @ 10/25/2011 9:59:23 AM | Feedback (3)

Meet the face of the *real* 99

posted @ 10/21/2011 12:44:02 PM | Feedback (14)

Occupy Tampa

Don’t worry, you won’t need to take off your shoes to count ‘em all.

posted @ 10/20/2011 2:32:00 PM | Feedback (4)

The 1%’er

Kevin has a look at a message from one of the top 1% the Occupy Anyplace But Employment crowd that they refuse to acknowledge

posted @ 10/12/2011 8:33:42 AM | Feedback (2)

You’re probably already laughing

From Facebook "We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

posted @ 10/7/2011 9:48:08 PM | Feedback (14)

Hey, I tried. It’s not my fault it didn’t work

I brought out my Ouija board last night to try to talk to Steve Jobs. I held the planchette incorrectly and kept losing the signal.

posted @ 10/6/2011 9:33:27 AM | Feedback (8)

QUICK! Someone check if Rick Perry has a rock

In Australia

posted @ 10/4/2011 4:25:26 PM | Feedback (7)

Your LOL of the day

And yes, this could apply to pretty much any politician Stolen from a friend on Facebook.

posted @ 10/4/2011 11:16:27 AM | Feedback (4)

EEEEEIIIIIIIIIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MY EYES! THE BRAIN BLEACH! IT DOES NOTHING!

posted @ 10/1/2011 10:20:07 AM | Feedback (9)

Soon to be on a shirt near you

UPDATE Now for sale on my Zazzle store Did this for Tam earlier – From Uncle Sam to Uncle Badtouch

posted @ 9/29/2011 12:32:15 PM | Feedback (15)

Make everything tactical

With Tactical Magic

posted @ 9/29/2011 8:43:48 AM | Feedback (0)

ICE CREAM!

Oh lord, I had tears in my eyes while watching this Hat Tip Random Nuclear Strikes

posted @ 9/28/2011 8:47:12 AM | Feedback (5)

Wildcat cartridges

That don’t exist, but probably should

posted @ 9/26/2011 11:13:55 AM | Feedback (4)

Not sure if being in other people’s subconscious is a good thing or not

I’m leaning toward Not.

posted @ 9/23/2011 10:25:39 AM | Feedback (5)

Suddenly, across the nations, millions of mall-ninjas squee’d in unison

This absolutely cannot be real… It’s on their Facebook page

posted @ 9/20/2011 2:33:42 PM | Feedback (26)

Because a straw would be too obvious

Admit it, you only like potato chips because it’s too embarrassing to spoon French Onion Dip directly into your mouth. Same concept with broccoli and ranch dressing.

posted @ 9/20/2011 11:40:18 AM | Feedback (6)

You win this time, Google

posted @ 9/19/2011 11:52:47 AM | Feedback (6)

Your LOL of the day

Courtesy of Tam, courtesy of Staghounds A black guy, a white guy, a Christian, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar. The bartender says "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

posted @ 9/19/2011 8:21:06 AM | Feedback (0)

I’m trying to figure out how to make life easier for some people

Because, really? I mean, typing http://blog.robballen.com would have been a lot easier.

posted @ 9/16/2011 3:05:40 PM | Feedback (9)

It’s enough to depress a person

On one side, we have the Democrats that argue we should all pay for abortions. On the other side, we’ve got presidential contenders arguing about Gardisil shots. It’s like the whole decision is based on which side of the cervix you’re more concerned about.

posted @ 9/15/2011 6:30:45 PM | Feedback (9)

It wasn’t a challenge, but I’m glad you accepted it

In my last post I said I think I might just make mag holders out of cardboard toilet paper tubes, some staples and duct tape, then look for a diaper bag at a yard sale for the range bag instead. I forgot about the kind of readers I have. Update From Richard at BlueSheepdog.com That should be plenty for USPSA with spares!

posted @ 9/13/2011 3:43:30 PM | Feedback (7)

0_o

You almost feel sorry for the bathtub Homeowner Christopher Barbour, who says he is a friend of 33-year-old KARK weatherman Brett Cummins, told police that he woke up Monday morning and found his friend asleep in his bathtub with a dead man wearing a dog collar lying next to him. Just checked, wasn’t my dog collar.

posted @ 9/9/2011 10:16:45 AM | Feedback (8)

Gear review–Pancake holster

I hate giving negative reviews, but this holster sucked. Couldn’t keep the syrup OR the butter in place and the pancake kept falling out every time I bent over.

posted @ 9/7/2011 12:41:13 PM | Feedback (10)

How true it is

From Basic Instructions

posted @ 9/7/2011 8:40:50 AM | Feedback (1)

More on pocket carry

posted @ 1/26/2011 11:50:16 AM | Feedback (2)

LOL!

Brady Campaign Response on SOTU Speech in picture form

posted @ 1/26/2011 8:19:24 AM | Feedback (0)

FCC to ban imported books

As many people know, during the recent American Library Association national convention, the FCC released a statement declaring their intent to ban the import of specific books into the United States. The new ruling is to be similar to bans in the Weimar Republic back in the 1930’s. The law looks to target certain books based on the number of foreign words or pages in them and while not naming Manga comics directly, it has indicated that books that serve no ‘entertainment purposes’ would not be...

posted @ 1/23/2011 9:00:59 PM | Feedback (22)

There’s customer service

And then there’s Customer Service Looks like I might have some graphics competition from Cheaper Than Dirt

posted @ 1/22/2011 8:36:59 PM | Feedback (5)

Went to Disney this weekend.

The oldest wanted to go see the Hall of Presidents. They really pay attention to detail when they design their robots. Obama’s teleprompter looked realistic as hell. (Shameless stolen from http://voidwhereprohibited.typepad.com in #gunblogger_conspiracy)

posted @ 1/19/2011 2:13:34 PM | Feedback (8)

Journalist’s Guide to Firearms Part III

Dear Journalists, This is a 30 round clip of ammunition Got it? Thanks! Love, Annoyed Gun People Everywhere Hat tip to Weer'd Beard for the images of clips.

posted @ 1/18/2011 3:47:51 PM | Feedback (6)

BREAKING–Scientific discovery may disprove Planck Time

Must Credit Sharp as a Marble Bayard WY – Using recent advances in imaging technology, researchers have claimed that new data indicates measurements of time may exist below the Planck Time. The Planck Length (ℓP) is the scale at which classical ideas about gravity and space-time break down and the distance a photon can travel 1ℓP in a complete vacuum is considered the smallest unit of time that has any meaning. Research Scientist Ken Uheerme who lead the project said in a prepared statement...

posted @ 1/10/2011 10:02:52 AM | Feedback (9)

That’s just scary

From the news story in my last post, I was presented with this on the side bar Why do I hear Howard Dean’s scream every time I look at that picture?

posted @ 1/6/2011 1:36:59 PM | Feedback (7)

Ruger revolutionizes the gun industry again

At 2:00, Ruger plans on announcing their newest line of KelTec Clones. But what makes this revolutionary is not the pistol, but their patented “Precall” system. 5 minutes before the official release, Ruger will be recalling the LC9, signaling an unprecedented commitment to customer support. I for one am amazed!

posted @ 1/3/2011 1:46:17 PM | Feedback (13)

I guess it is true

I got a package in the mail today. It was my wheelbarrow full of cash I LOL’d. Thanks JK

posted @ 12/23/2010 2:09:24 PM | Feedback (8)

Your helpful tip of the day

Mayonnaise packets – apparently they do expire at some point in time.

posted @ 12/14/2010 11:56:47 AM | Feedback (8)

Because it’s relevant to the debate we’re having a few posts ago

Tam sent me this

posted @ 12/13/2010 12:38:35 PM | Feedback (15)

Dear Domino’s Pizza

Yes, your new pizza is much better than your old stuff. Yes, I appreciate you sending me emails informing me that I still can get 2, 2 topping, medium pizzas for only $5.99 each. While annoying, I do realize sending me emails telling me I can get artery clogging lunch for cheap too. However, your pizza does most emphatically not make for a good Christmas gift idea.

posted @ 12/10/2010 10:28:23 AM | Feedback (5)

Sadly, I’m more lazy than evil

Otherwise, I’d spend an inordinate amount of time faking up all sorts of conspiracy related documentation and ‘adding’ them into Wikileaks. Could you imagine what the conspiracy theorists would do with an entire years worth of flight plans for the chemtrails, photographs of the other snipers in position for the Kennedy assassination, and the prop list for the moon landing set?

posted @ 12/8/2010 8:35:05 AM | Feedback (2)

Sometimes you just have to follow your dreams

Sometimes, it’s probably not the best idea Hat Tip Linoge

posted @ 12/3/2010 6:29:53 PM | Feedback (0)

It’s not very nice

To pick on people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD

posted @ 11/30/2010 3:53:54 PM | Feedback (17)

The awesome meter

It is pegged! GRANGEVILL, Idaho (AP) – A northern Idaho sheriff says he is not advocating the illegal shooting of federally protected wolves by offering a hunting rifle and a shovel as the prize in a raffle called “.308 SSS Wolf Pack Raffle” in a region where SSS commonly stands for “shoot, shovel and shut up.” Idaho County Sheriff Doug Giddings tells the Lewiston Tribune that the SSS in the raffle stands for “safety, security and survival.” Idaho. I should move there. Hat Tip...

posted @ 11/30/2010 8:56:28 AM | Feedback (9)

My latest product idea

The MILF on the Shelf! It’d sell like hotcakes, don’t you think?

posted @ 11/29/2010 12:10:45 PM | Feedback (5)

I thought for a moment we were winning

Say Uncle sent me this link showing how you can buy a Tactilite upper at SEARS And I thought “Damn, I don’t see the Brady Campaign having their products online”. Looks like I was wrong.

posted @ 11/25/2010 8:58:37 PM | Feedback (22)

The futility of gun control expressed in a comic

Here No matter what rules you try to make, those who are determined will find ways around them. Gun laws only affect those who are willing to abide by them, aka those who are not criminals. I guess we should start looking at stricter lamp control laws.

posted @ 11/23/2010 8:47:25 AM | Feedback (1)

It’s a lot like this

Discussing Open Carry with a cohort of mine, I came up with this analogy

posted @ 11/16/2010 8:25:54 AM | Feedback (5)

I guess kids these days are growing up faster than I thought

Saw this at the local Kohl’s. Thought I’d take a picture for posterity. (P.S. I submitted this to FailBlog.org. We’ll see if that’s enough fail for them)

posted @ 11/8/2010 2:46:32 PM | Feedback (3)

Formulaic

Joe Huffman mentions writing a program that would emulate the anti-gunner’s arguments. Unfortunately for Joe, something like that has existed for years.

posted @ 10/27/2010 10:08:02 AM | Feedback (0)

My deepest sympathies

Dave Hardy stepped on and was bitten by a diamondback rattler. Poor snake is going to have the taste of lawyer in his mouth for weeks. (In all seriousness, get better Dave!)

posted @ 10/18/2010 8:28:40 AM | Feedback (4)

Show your local shopping center that you're on the job

With your official Mall Ninja wear

posted @ 10/14/2010 10:50:57 AM | Feedback (6)

I wouldn't shoot this with YOUR hands

Shortened Tactilite .50BMG Upper on a pistol AR lower… I'll take my Tactilite upper full size and on a regular AR with a stock, thankyouverymuch ;)

posted @ 10/6/2010 6:25:25 PM | Feedback (23)

I fail to see why this is a fail

From Failblog

posted @ 10/5/2010 4:14:29 PM | Feedback (13)

That's gotta sting

The Brady Campaign is whining that Jon Stewart even agrees that banning guns would not stop violence. Man, when you can't even get a comedian to go along with your shtick, you gotta probably think long and hard about the Xanax and Wild Turkey.

posted @ 9/27/2010 10:50:29 AM | Feedback (2)

Well that was a waste of 35 bucks

Can't seem to get my Ship in a Klein Bottle put together correctly.

posted @ 9/22/2010 8:44:54 AM | Feedback (5)

A modern epistolary short story

Chapter 1: Text received from M. Smith 6:32PM: sup dood. afrd i be @wrk to 9. Chapter 2: Text received from M. William 6:33PM: sh!t man. ani1 u can get 2 wrk 4 u? ppl alrdy showin up Chapter 3: Text received from M. Smith 6:35PM: sry bud. cnt leave. Wud b CLM Chapter 4: Text received from M. William 6:36PM: 2bad 4u. cul8r The End. Yeah, I don't see any modern classics in this style anytime soon.

posted @ 9/20/2010 9:30:43 AM | Feedback (6)

I guess it could be worse

I could always bean the zombie in the head with a printer.

posted @ 9/17/2010 2:45:09 PM | Feedback (6)

Nice logo

As a side note, I am displeased that the change will come in the form of Republicans who are just as statist as the Democrats, but at least we will have a little bit of gridlock. Also, for those with thin skin, the 'logo' is indicating that the current crop of Democrat politicians' jobs are targeted, this is not a physical threat to Democrats. It's crazy I even have to write that.

posted @ 9/16/2010 8:42:42 AM | Feedback (5)

If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?

Ok, ok, The Brady Campaign sure. And the VPC, and MikeB, and The Joyce Foundation, and the Million Dozen Mom March, yeah yeah yeah. But really, who else? This video is chock full of poor gun handling skills, clichés, and every negative thing you can think of about guns in general, but I couldn't help but giggle. Go ahead, have a giggle yourself. Hat tip Everyday, No Days Off

posted @ 9/14/2010 8:41:11 AM | Feedback (7)

Always know your target and what lies beyond it

And if you happen to be launching watermelons with a giant slingshot, it also helps to possibly avoid being 180° from the line of fire.

posted @ 9/8/2010 2:27:13 PM | Feedback (15)

Remember Die Hard and the porcelain Glock 17?

It has NOTHING on this I'm telling you, whoever edited the video was screwing with these girls. A Glock & Wesson 45mm FPO designed in 1789 by Colt Koch? That's got to be a joke. A funny joke, nonetheless. Hat tip Everyday, No Days Off

posted @ 9/8/2010 8:36:11 AM | Feedback (6)

I live pretty much as far away from Alaska as possible

But any politician who will celebrate a victory by dipping his testicles into a cup of pudding totally would get my vote.

posted @ 9/1/2010 12:35:40 PM | Feedback (3)

It would be a summer blockbuster for sure

I should write a screenplay for a Terminator sequel where instead of the Machines coming back into the past, Paul Helmke goes into the future to try to explain to the resistance why they shouldn't be using guns.

posted @ 8/24/2010 12:47:37 PM | Feedback (5)

We would lose a quarter of the Earth's forests

Just for the paper needed to print these off. Warning labels for newspapers

posted @ 8/14/2010 9:07:30 AM | Feedback (5)

Sevigny Competition Sights Review – Part I

Part of my switch to the Glock 20 was thinking I would also shoot USPSA or IDPA competition with my carry piece. Unlike Caleb or Kevin, my goals for shooting competition are more focused around simply becoming a better shooter, not becoming better than other competitors. I understand completely that competitive shooting is not the same as real life, but it's a marked improvement over standing still, only shooting at static targets at a fixed distance. Let's face it, the factory sights on a...

posted @ 8/12/2010 9:53:09 PM | Feedback (3)

Nice to meat you

Not approved by PETA

posted @ 7/28/2010 12:49:45 PM | Feedback (1)

I laughed

Top Douchebag Sums up my feelings.

posted @ 7/14/2010 10:10:56 PM | Feedback (2)

The interweb is fast!

Already, the Wikipedia entry on the Brady Campaign has been modified to reflect the recent McDonald ruling! Click to embiggen

posted @ 6/28/2010 1:27:29 PM | Feedback (10)

Vicious Circle #55 – Fatwas from Atheists

Vicious Circle #55 is up. Please join alan, Silver, Weer'd Beerd, JayG, Breda and occasionally myself between doodles as we attempt to stay on tangent while constantly getting derailed by topics.

posted @ 6/18/2010 11:29:27 AM | Feedback (0)

I've been meaning to draw this for a while

Did this while recording Vicious Circle. Which tells you a lot about what it takes to record one of those. It's been done before, I'm sure. But what the heck…

posted @ 6/17/2010 11:27:37 PM | Feedback (1)

In which I completely agree with Carnaby

Yup. This settles the whole argument right here

posted @ 6/16/2010 7:06:29 PM | Feedback (4)

A new icon for the Brady Campaign

With their donations running dry, gun ownership on the rise, and not a single court case going their way (well, except this one), I figured the Sad Panda icon wasn't enough Hat tip to Linoge for the idea!

posted @ 6/11/2010 6:48:28 PM | Feedback (9)

The man we all want to be

Mr. Smooth

posted @ 6/10/2010 12:54:49 PM | Feedback (1)

The disadvantage

My poor daughters. Last night, my oldest had to work on her spelling words. She has to write each word twice, then write 5 sentences using them. Two of the words were toward and light. My wife suggested one of her sentences was "Go toward the light, Carol Anne!". She wrote it. Granted, her teacher barely looks old enough to drive, she might not get the reference. I still got a giggle out of it.

posted @ 5/27/2010 9:23:29 AM | Feedback (6)

In very, very poor taste

Put damned funny. Not necessarily NSFW, but not exactly SFW either.

posted @ 5/25/2010 3:50:23 PM | Feedback (3)

Layers of editorial oversight my ass

Is there nothing the media can't screw up? Even Gun Nuts Media? The Hi-Cap version features Para’s high capacity 1911 frame which holds .45 rounds of .45 ACP ammo. Yeah, that's what I want. An expensive pistol that can't even hold half of one round ;)

posted @ 5/24/2010 10:59:55 AM | Feedback (7)

Breaking news – The Brady Campaign celebrates decisive legal victory over the NRA

Charlotte, NC – In what may be a key victory for the prominent gun control group in the United States, The Brady Campaign has issued a press release regarding a legal victory over the NRA. Brady director Paul Helmke emerged from the downtown Charlotte Criminal Courts Department visibly jubilant with a victorious smile and was greeted by throngs of 2 or 3 supporters. In a prepared statement, Mr. Helmke addressed the crowd saying "The string of defeats we have suffered at the hands of the...

posted @ 5/20/2010 12:35:55 PM | Feedback (5)

Now, that's not fair

Say Uncle points to this little nugget of info from the NRA Blog City officials estimate the convention drew close to 80,000 attendees over the weekend and brought in about $20 million dollars. To which he quips And what did the anti-gun show bring in? While I'm not a fan of the anti-gunners out there, it's not honest to claim they have no sort of economic impact. For example So, you know. They have that going for them. (Image Courtesy of Alan from Snarky...

posted @ 5/17/2010 10:04:41 AM | Feedback (7)

Why should you spend the next 10 minutes reading Larry Correia's blog?

Because you'll get treated to little joys like this “Their air power is made up of giant purple pterodactyls, with scramjets for buttholes. They fart themselves to mach 4 and sexually assault F-22s!” Wish I could write like that…

posted @ 5/16/2010 8:49:51 PM | Feedback (3)

Great question

While we've all been focusing our efforts on the upcoming Zombie apocalypse here on Terra Firma, it appears it's already started up in space. What’s confounding scientists is that even though the satellite is toast, it continues to operate at full power, but with nobody telling it what to do. Why on earth we should care: The “zombiesat” (as its known in space talk) could steal a working sat signal, and interrupt programming for its customers. Jennifer asks "What caliber for...

posted @ 5/13/2010 8:50:49 AM | Feedback (2)

FN Herstal Five-seveN

When you absolutely cannot be bothered to protect your family with a real caliber. Joke shamelessly stolen from pdb

posted @ 5/12/2010 12:51:34 PM | Feedback (14)

Obama's supreme court pick a danger to the Republic

Following a long string of poor decisions, Obama's choice for a replacement for the retiring Justice Stevens is one that will have deleterious effects for generations to come. Nominating an Immortal to the Supreme Court is just asking for trouble. They will be there forever unless someone beheads them and will generally rule in favor of laws that benefit the Gathering rather than focus on the effects of laws as they pertain to the Constitution of the United States of America. In this regard,...

posted @ 5/10/2010 10:32:59 AM | Feedback (7)

Because, I'm nothing if not helpful Part II

posted @ 5/6/2010 1:51:57 PM | Feedback (11)

Compensation

You know, it's said on a regular basis that people who carry firearms to places like Starbucks, playgrounds, etc. must be compensating for a small penis. This clearly indicates that those who don't carry guns have a larger phallus and therefore are better suited to stopping crime with it. How does that work? Does the guy demanding your wallet simply drop his knife and run like hell when you whip out your 9" dong or do you have to use it as a bludgeoning device to get your point...

posted @ 4/28/2010 10:47:06 AM | Feedback (17)

Chortle of the day

Apparently, I'm missing out on some great conversations at the Gunblogger's Conspiracy with being sick and all <Unix-Jedi> We’re the Hateumhippies tribe <WestByGod-Iraq> spotted owls are good. you just need about 30 of them. pluck and deep-fry whole. <Lee_TotC> Unix-Jedi, who is the chief of that tribe <WestByGod-Iraq> then peel the skin off to eat, and throw the rest away <alan> kinda like dove then <Unix-Jedi> Chief Running SUV...

posted @ 4/23/2010 9:13:14 AM | Feedback (1)

Eotech sells it all

Hey, Eotech, I know a damned good web guy you could hire. Granted your menu would have something to do more with pants removal and less with balls and whores (click for bigginess) Hat tip Ry who has enough of 'em all to go around. Update – Looks like they've taken down the offending menu items.

posted @ 4/11/2010 8:42:29 PM | Feedback (1)

Amazing what people send you in the mail

You'd think I was famous for this or something That'll be going on the car, much to the wife's chagrin Thanks a ton Less! Sorry about not getting the link up, was in a major hurry to play with the new toy before the daughter's sleep over started.

posted @ 4/1/2010 6:30:08 PM | Feedback (2)

Irony so thick you can cut it with a spoon

Is it ok to rage against the machine after you've put in your quarter? UPDATED – Compounding the irony, there appears to be a ®, insinuating that there's a registered trademark.

posted @ 3/30/2010 9:07:12 AM | Feedback (5)

You have questions, I have answers.

Just saw someone hit my site via a Yahoo! search for "how to dial 911 on dead battery on my iphone". If your battery has died on your iPhone and you are in need for emergency services, here are the steps you should take Place your iPhone, connector side first, into your rectum. Assuming your anal sphincter provides 10KΩ resistance, promptly shit 5VDC. You should be good to go. Glad I could help.

posted @ 3/29/2010 9:17:10 PM | Feedback (9)

A scene from the main server room of UPS

{Scene – A large server room. Sirens and claxons are going off while red lights flash and illuminate the terrified faces of the sys-admins} Manager: Dammit Johnson, what in the hell is going on? Johnson: We don't know yet sir. Looks like we're getting a Denial of Service attack, but I've never seen anything on this scale before in my life. Manager: Why are web servers 3 & 4 smoking? Johnson: It looks like they cannot handle the sheer number of requests coming in sir. One of the...

posted @ 3/29/2010 12:15:18 PM | Feedback (10)

Forget the Tactilite 50BMG upper

I'm getting one of these. A hell of a lot cheaper, to be sure!

posted @ 3/25/2010 8:37:41 AM | Feedback (2)

Quote of the day

Just wrote this in an email worthless as Dennis Hennigan at a Bill Of Rights Recital. I crack myself up.

posted @ 3/23/2010 11:14:26 AM | Feedback (0)

I don't recall this passage in my bible

But it seems to fit Then one of the Twelve—the one called Bart "Judas" Stupak—went to the chief priests and asked, "What are you willing to give me if I bend over for you?" So they wrote out for him an IOU for thirty silver coins and said "We pinky swear we'll give you this. Later" . From then on Stupak watched for an opportunity to bend over.

posted @ 3/22/2010 1:18:43 PM | Feedback (3)

The Brady PSH Chart

For many years, the Bristol Stool Chart has been an invaluable medical aid in classifying human feces. As the Brady Campaign and various other gun banners are prone to PSH I figured it would benefit the gun owners society if I, too, made a chart to classify the anti-gun's undie-soiling past time. I present to you, the Brady PSH Chart (warning, contains visuals of poo)

posted @ 3/18/2010 3:17:31 PM | Feedback (12)

Funnybone tickled

Unix Jedi sent me this link I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn't exactly seem to be affected by a man dressed as a bat flapping around the place. But no-one disobeys a man wearing a necklace of human nipples. "I'm Batman" isn't cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But "I'm Batman -- and I'm here for your nipples" is an entirely different proposition. Funny stuff, if a bit dated.

posted @ 3/17/2010 8:51:57 AM | Feedback (1)

Here's a great money saving tip to our Government

Instead of buying shotguns for the Department of Education, why not just buy Air Soft rifles at a fraction of the cost and then convert them?

posted @ 3/12/2010 9:38:52 AM | Feedback (5)

And they're cheaper at Wal-Mart to boot!

All-black penguin discovered King Penguins are notorious for their prim, tuxedoed appearance -- but a recently discovered all-black penguin seems unafraid to defy convention. In what has been described as a "one in a zillion kind of mutation," biologists say that the animal has lost control of its pigmentation, an occurrence that is extremely rare. Other than the penguin's monochromatic outfit, the animal appears to be perfectly healthy. I admit I was surprised it wasn't blamed...

posted @ 3/11/2010 12:34:46 PM | Feedback (5)

Sharp as a Marble EXCLUSIVE – A first look at the new Taurus Pistol

Comes with optional heated seats and ambidextrous magazine release. Nice!

posted @ 2/25/2010 11:37:50 AM | Feedback (8)

Jeeeeeaaaaalous

Yes… Yes I am I wonder if this is anyone we know. If not, I'd like to friend them. Hat Tip Random Nuclear Strikes

posted @ 2/22/2010 7:28:42 PM | Feedback (6)

Forget the Green police

I'm getting one of these Hat Tip Say Uncle, who apparently started the meme here.

posted @ 2/12/2010 3:25:37 PM | Feedback (24)

Sorry I've not posted anything today yet

I'm still shaken up over yesterday afternoon. For one reason or another, work had to cut me a physical check rather than direct deposit. Being that I now work within walking distance to my bank, the Mrs. requested that I simply drop by on my way home and deposit it. It was a very, very difficult time for me. I had to walk inside a bank. Me. Armed to the teeth in a place we're told where there's no need to carry weaponry. It took every last ounce of self control to override the Glock's...

posted @ 2/12/2010 1:46:53 PM | Feedback (5)

Obama news conference cancelled [Sharp as a Marble Exclusive]

Apparently Obama was supposed to give a conference condemning Sarah Palin's use of "Crib Notes" but was unable to attend when it was discovered that the teleprompter was not working properly.

posted @ 2/9/2010 4:02:27 PM | Feedback (6)

Ultra concealable weaponry

Scary that this stuff could easily be carried around on the street and nobody would be the wiser. Personally, I'm digging the shotgun / Kleenex combo. Hat tip Say Uncle

posted @ 2/9/2010 9:16:01 AM | Feedback (1)

A not so subtle jab?

I've always considered XKCD to be apolitical. The alt text to this comic though appears to be a jab at the Teleprompter Jesus. Maybe it's just my politics coloring my judgment though. Update – After reading it again, it's my political preferences coloring what I see. Knowing the author, he's more concerned about the failures of the process than Obama getting a shiny medal.

posted @ 2/8/2010 9:05:16 AM | Feedback (3)

I gotta do more of these

Vicious Circle #37 is up with alan, JayG, aepilot Jim, Stingray & Labrat, and myself. Fun times with Beer Nuts and pickles in ZipLoc bags.

posted @ 1/29/2010 9:20:22 AM | Feedback (1)

Beats me

Google is funny, eh?

posted @ 1/26/2010 4:01:32 PM | Feedback (6)

Blasphemy!

Wonderful, hilarious blasphemy. Not even John Moses Browning is safe.

posted @ 1/24/2010 10:28:09 AM | Feedback (2)

Way past its expiration date

Seriously, guys. Bush has been out of office for nearly a year and even before then, the Democrats were in charge of Congress. It's time to put this away for good.

posted @ 1/19/2010 8:31:02 AM | Feedback (5)

Come to think of is, isn't Al Jebrah a terrorist organization?

A quote from #gunbloggers_conspiracy discussing the need for calculators to do simple multiplication (12:07:55 PM) Salamander: I don't negotiate with integers. *Win*

posted @ 1/15/2010 12:10:22 PM | Feedback (5)

It's not the coming robot war or Zombie apocalypse you need to worry about

It's flying jellyfishes. We are so screwed.

posted @ 1/11/2010 11:04:15 AM | Feedback (1)

The only problem with this idea for a bumper sticker

Is that it might be construed that I think the Republican candidate would be any better. Depressing as hell to think about, isn't it?

posted @ 1/8/2010 1:25:56 PM | Feedback (3)

Shamelessly stolen

From Say Uncle You'll shoot your eye out. And the neighbor's eye. And possibly your neighbor's neighbor's eye. But then it'll jam on the next shot.

posted @ 12/30/2009 10:20:45 AM | Feedback (1)

Sharp as a Marble Educational Series – A Primer on the 10mm round

posted @ 11/16/2009 6:40:00 PM | Feedback (15)

There's a reason we refer to them as 'dumb animals'

Deer loses battle with lawn ornament A love-struck buck ran out of luck a week ago. The seven-point buck was killed when it rammed a 640-pound concrete statue of an elk in the backyard of Mark and Carol Brye's home in rural Viroqua. Best part of the entire story Brye claimed the buck with a tag from the Vernon County conservation warden. He laughed at the warden's tag note: "lawn ornament fight - lost." I swear, I know some people who'd have given that deer a run for its...

posted @ 11/10/2009 9:56:48 AM | Feedback (6)

True, only #Gunblogger_Conspiracy people will get it

But this image of Alan I did is a hoot Original picture by Breda

posted @ 11/5/2009 1:34:23 PM | Feedback (3)

Wait a second!

Twitter can do this?

posted @ 10/28/2009 7:13:34 PM | Feedback (5)

I'm taking up a collection (UPDATED)

To buy Caleb one of these UPDATE: Never mind, Caleb's wife made this one, for the win.

posted @ 10/26/2009 8:04:11 PM | Feedback (21)

So, with the new FTC regulations regarding blogs

Will each post at The Brady Campaign / The Gun Guys have a disclaimer at the bottom indicating it was bought and paid for by the Joyce Foundation? Will the NYT be forced to disclose under each editorial "The proceeding article was provided as an In-Kind donation to the DNC"?

posted @ 10/7/2009 9:49:53 AM | Feedback (2)

Coming to Chicago in 2016

The O-lympics Track and field events will include Bail Jumping, Legal Hurdles, Blame Throwing and the always popular Graftathalon. And the *snerk* factor just keeps getting better.

posted @ 9/30/2009 10:07:26 AM | Feedback (4)

If you have hours of your life you're ok with wasting

Then I suggest going here. It's like a train wreck in slo-motion, but the train is all bondo and Dixie flags, driven by a fat man wearing a speedo, a tank top, and sporting a kick ass mullet. Wait, that's a chick…

posted @ 9/27/2009 8:08:40 PM | Feedback (5)

Because when the virus hits, you won't be shooting at round circles

Practice for the inevitable with Full Color Zombie Targets

posted @ 9/17/2009 10:42:33 AM | Feedback (1)

I'd say it's getting a little worn out

Maybe it's about time to put this thing away for good.

posted @ 9/16/2009 8:04:27 PM | Feedback (41)

Spam title of the day

Obama bullshits us! Yes… Yes he does. I'm still not buying any penis pill from you, though.

posted @ 9/13/2009 5:51:56 PM | Feedback (3)

Quote of the day

From #gunblogger_conspiracy, discussing my upcoming MRI tomorrow. (11:03:31 AM) Unix-Jedi: Programmer Robb Allen. Microsoft Weenie. Gun nut, searching for a solution for his shoulder pain. Then an accidental power surge in the MRI alters his pants. Now when Robb Allen grows stifled or uncomfortable, a startling metamorphis occurs. The Creature is driven by rage of pants and pursued by an investigative reporter. "Ms. Couric, don't make me uncomfortable. You wouldn't like my pants when...

posted @ 9/9/2009 11:05:24 AM | Feedback (0)

Because I'm nothing, if not helpful

Seen elsewhere, and with a few small modifications, I present to you the Journalist's Guide to Firearms Identification

posted @ 9/8/2009 8:17:21 AM | Feedback (22)

Signs around town

So, I keep seeing these signs while driving - "Adult Co-Ed Kickball". I guess doubles hopscotch and adult red rover were hot last season.

posted @ 8/30/2009 11:24:15 AM | Feedback (4)

BREAKING NEWS!!!! Shocking proof that Obama was not born in Hawaii

Folks, this is big. I wasn't all into the whole 'birther' thing, but I just received this fax that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Obama is not eligible to be President of the United States. This is an exclusive document found only here at Sharp as a Marble! I have verified its authenticity and feel that this is too important to keep quiet over. Ladies and gentlemen, proof positive that Barack Hussein Obama is not American born!

posted @ 7/28/2009 8:50:55 AM | Feedback (162)

I'll take a large pepperoni and .357 Magnum

Sounds like a decent business plan to me

posted @ 7/22/2009 7:47:22 PM | Feedback (7)

Quote of the day

The tree of liberty must be mulched from time to time with the pants of tyrants and patriots Yuri

posted @ 7/14/2009 7:17:09 PM | Feedback (0)

Headline of the day

Female gang may have killed midget wrestlers With a headline like that, the rest of the story is pretty much irrelevant. Hat Tip Traction Control

posted @ 7/2/2009 8:20:37 AM | Feedback (0)

They said it couldn't be done. They were wrong

Apparently, I do have a limit to what I'm willing to put on the internet. You see, when you get an anonymous packaged in the mail containing a small, bright pink, baby-t shirt that says this You try the damned thing on. Notice the neck and how stretched it is? I looked in the mirror and realized that if a picture of me wearing that ever got loose on the Interweb Tubes, I would risk losing my job, my wife, my house, my kids, etc. etc. I have finally found my 'shame' threshold. However, to...

posted @ 7/1/2009 8:35:36 PM | Feedback (6)

Quote of the day

Ever wonder what eating a bowl of heroin for breakfast does to the human body? The Superficial has the picture. Gawd that's scary!

posted @ 6/24/2009 5:08:50 PM | Feedback (0)

The best I could offer would be 30 seconds of action followed by snoring, and possible drooling

To the person who came here searching for "10 minute hot sex videos", I'm afraid you're at the wrong place.

posted @ 6/16/2009 2:15:22 PM | Feedback (2)

It's like they know me or something

The best Venn diagram, EVAH Thanks to Say Uncle

posted @ 6/9/2009 1:24:26 PM | Feedback (0)

Right after I hit the lottery

This will be something you see in each room of the mansion Hat tip Murdoc, who is a sad panda because that's not his safe.

posted @ 6/5/2009 3:21:50 PM | Feedback (10)

Why not? It's just as effective

What's the difference between a "No Guns Allowed" sign and this? When you get down to it, a sign asking a bad guy not to do something bad is stupid, regardless if you're asking them to not bring in their guns or to not rob the place. But stupid people require stupid solutions I guess.

posted @ 6/4/2009 9:20:09 AM | Feedback (2)

Dear Lenin – Blow it out your…

Oh, I see you already have. Hat Tip Linoge

posted @ 6/3/2009 8:56:04 PM | Feedback (4)

Best health advice ever

If I were you, I'd take this advice

posted @ 6/2/2009 3:07:26 PM | Feedback (1)

Q-tips work wonders, I hear

An actual phone call I just got off of Dealership: How can I help you? Robb: I need to bring in my GTI for the 10,000 mile checkup Dealership: Last name? Robb: Allen. A L L E N Dealership: First name? Robb: Robb. R O B B Dealership: Mark? Robb: …

posted @ 5/26/2009 12:26:27 PM | Feedback (2)

One does not simply nut check R. Lee Ermey

Funniest thing I've seen today.

posted @ 5/21/2009 10:17:21 AM | Feedback (0)

Gun slogans

Frank J. could make a funeral funny as it is, but here's a list of gun slogans that should get you chortling in no time (dead people not required). Some samples Because perps won’t waste themselves. The only FDA approved cure for stupidity. God made man, Samuel Colt made them awesome. Because diving for cover while swinging two swords doesn’t really work. Ever try to do a drive-by stabbing? Because sometimes people don’t listen. When this time it’s not a cry for help. ...

posted @ 5/18/2009 3:32:43 PM | Feedback (1)

A joke for you

A Ruger walks into a bar {Punchline has been recalled}

posted @ 5/15/2009 3:14:40 PM | Feedback (10)

Now that's funny

Phil at Random Nuclear Strikes Billiards chalk is 7/8 of an inch per side and even when hit with something as slow moving as a standard velocity 22LR out of a pistol, makes a bigger poof than Charles Nelson Riley.

posted @ 5/14/2009 10:32:01 AM | Feedback (0)

Presented without comment

posted @ 5/6/2009 9:04:51 AM | Feedback (3)

Quote of the day

Jay G Holy Mary, mother of G-d. This has got to be the pants-shittingest, fear-mongeringest, blown-all-to-hell-out-of-proportionest headline I have ever seen in my entire life. "Killer flu" - there has been one reported death in the US, meaning that this flu has killed the same number of people as Ted Kennedy. Yet they don't refer to Fat Teddy as "KILLER SENATOR"...

posted @ 4/30/2009 12:10:42 PM | Feedback (3)

Chat sessions

Chatting with Greg, discussing how shooting clays is a good introduction to newbies and firearms. Greg: When you hit your first clay, you remember how that felt? Me-Gmail: No, I'm from Georgia. I can't remember what I felt like when I hit my first clay. I was drunk. And only 6. Ah, the good old days when you could walk around without pants and it was considered "Cute" rather than "Call 911 Type Creepy".

posted @ 4/23/2009 2:17:51 PM | Feedback (0)

Quote of the day

Over at Uncle's place In Texas, we have over 2300 separate felonies alone….including 11 involving oysters. Great. Another state I'm not welcome in.

posted @ 4/23/2009 8:59:37 AM | Feedback (4)

Submitted without comment

From Criggo

posted @ 4/22/2009 9:16:14 AM | Feedback (1)

Not a bad idea

Not a bad idea at all! In fact, I might just move here.

posted @ 4/21/2009 1:27:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Well, at least they're honest

When slogans go bad…

posted @ 4/15/2009 10:05:02 AM | Feedback (3)

Bacon AK-47

What's not to love?

posted @ 4/14/2009 6:02:58 PM | Feedback (0)

At :40 seconds, Jim Gaffigan channels the Sharp as a Marble Lifestyle

posted @ 4/14/2009 12:06:30 PM | Feedback (0)

Infinite monkeys, infinite typewriters

Joe writes concerning Snark™ For quality Tam does far better than I can even dream of. Robb Allen doesn't quite have the quality of Tam but seeing them side by side for a few days: And it was obvious Robb has the edge on quantity. Tam's writing ability is razor sharp. She comes up with turns of phrases I can only dream of. I still giggle when I think of this classic Going to a Bond flick and complaining about the lack of a plot is like going to an Episcopalian church service...

posted @ 4/11/2009 9:19:11 AM | Feedback (5)

Arrrg. That there be some funny

Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

posted @ 4/10/2009 3:22:49 PM | Feedback (4)

Change you can believe in!

Obama to require the Steelers to redistribute their Super Bowl Trophies The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league. Read the whole thing. While it's a humorous take, it's not funny when you consider...

posted @ 3/26/2009 8:18:21 AM | Feedback (2)

Quote of the day

From a conversation with Greg (2:31:18 PM) Me-Gmail: Heh. Just commented over at Tam's place. The Turing word? snoammo. As in, there snoammo anywhere to be found. (2:31:42 PM) Greg: Haha. (2:34:35 PM) Greg: I like how all the blogspot captcha words are pronounce-able now (2:35:06 PM) Me-Gmail: Well, there's a direct correlation to how easy a word is to type and how pronounceable it is. (2:35:33 PM) Me-Gmail: That's a scientific fact I just pulled from my nether regions,...

posted @ 3/24/2009 2:39:19 PM | Feedback (0)

Q - Why can't you put up pictures comparing Obama to monkeys like they did with Bush?

A – Not because it's racist, but because there aren't any pictures of primates with a teleprompter.

posted @ 3/20/2009 1:42:37 PM | Feedback (4)

Quote of the day

Tam How come when I put my AmEx bill on my Visa, it's stupid, but when the government does it, it's stimulus? Snark. She makes it look so easy.

posted @ 3/18/2009 10:12:28 AM | Feedback (2)

Could it really be that easy?

I just figured out how to take our country back without bloodshed or political maneuvering. Simply hack President Jugears' teleprompter. Ol' Ears can't talk without it, we could make him say whatever we want! Hey, it worked on Charles Barkley

posted @ 3/17/2009 11:06:47 AM | Feedback (7)

Well, there goes even more of my limited time

Just found this site. I've literally got tears in my eyes right now at work. It's gems like this that really tickle my funny bone

posted @ 3/16/2009 1:49:21 PM | Feedback (0)

Exponential irony

A free concert for nonviolence ends in… wait for it… wait for it… SILVER SPRING, Md. (AP) - Montgomery County police say 16 people were arrested after a fight broke out during a concert held to promote nonviolence and to remember a Silver Spring teen killed last year. Pacifism – a self defeating philosophy.

posted @ 3/9/2009 10:53:25 AM | Feedback (3)

Tastes like chicken

Clay chicken, that is Picture by Greg, from a successful clay pigeon hunt this afternoon.

posted @ 3/8/2009 9:06:16 PM | Feedback (2)

An update on an old favorite

I should get tickets to this when it comes to town

posted @ 3/4/2009 10:41:12 AM | Feedback (4)

Don't eat the apples

I swear, I have conversations similar in tone like this all the time. My continued employment is still an unending source of amazement.

posted @ 3/3/2009 11:58:51 AM | Feedback (0)

Somewhere in Chicago

A community is missing its organizer

posted @ 2/19/2009 1:21:01 PM | Feedback (3)

A quick guide to Media terminology regarding guns

Jay G. gives us a breakdown of what they say vs. what they mean

posted @ 2/19/2009 9:53:56 AM | Feedback (0)

There is now absolutely no reason I cannot write children's books

After seeing this, my idea for "The Pig with No Pants" doesn't seem as creepy.

posted @ 2/13/2009 10:03:11 AM | Feedback (5)

Today's Dilbert

So true... so true

posted @ 1/27/2009 8:53:38 AM | Feedback (2)

I know it's probably old

But every time I look at this picture I bust out laughing And I love cats.

posted @ 1/23/2009 11:48:14 AM | Feedback (4)

Technology isn't always better

For example, I used to have to lug a laptop to the bathroom if I wanted to blog while doing my business but now I can do it with only my cell phone. Oh, look. We're low on toilet paper.

posted @ 1/21/2009 7:01:24 PM | Feedback (5)

Best. iPhone. App. Ever.

The Sound Grenade Sound Grenade generates a really, really annoying, nauseating and headache producing high pitched sound. I installed it today and tried it out on my coworkers. Absolutely stunning in how it works. Instantly people start looking around to see what in the heck is causing that annoying sound. Best part? I can't hear a damned thing. Not unless I point the speakers at my head. Apparently it's that frequency that you lose as you get older but kids can seem to still hear. Oddly,...

posted @ 1/21/2009 5:36:24 PM | Feedback (7)

You know what guys and gals?

I was proud to be an American when being proud wasn't cool. Still am, come to think about it. Apparently, there's a lot of new Americans today who weren't Americans before the inauguration. So, now do I get to voice dissent and show my patriotism or is that passé? It's hard for me. I mean, I'm tragically unhip as it is even though I just picked up an iPhone. I thought maybe that would help. Apparently not much.

posted @ 1/20/2009 6:25:33 PM | Feedback (4)

I don't care if it's fake

It's still funny Had the midget been on fire and riding a tricycle, it would have been perfect.

posted @ 1/12/2009 9:58:34 AM | Feedback (2)

Well, I do what I can

For Christmas my parents bought my family passes to our local aquarium. We got the pass in the mail yesterday with this letter I'm generous like that.

posted @ 1/7/2009 9:00:08 AM | Feedback (2)

Someone is getting an early start on "Weirdest Search Term for 2009"

I mean.... seriously?

posted @ 1/6/2009 6:04:43 PM | Feedback (10)

Two words that should never be uttered in the same sentence

Salmonella and nipples

posted @ 12/10/2008 10:02:55 AM | Feedback (14)

Why leaving your computer unlocked and logged into Facebook is a bad idea, especially if you work with me

posted @ 12/5/2008 9:14:16 AM | Feedback (2)

A better response

I prefer the answer of "No carpet. Hardwood floors" myself.

posted @ 11/24/2008 11:23:46 AM | Feedback (11)

Face it, some people are just nucking futs.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him. They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling". A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier. I guess that's how they roll Down Under

posted @ 11/21/2008 10:38:10 AM | Feedback (2)

When technology makes us really, really lazy

posted @ 11/14/2008 10:18:53 AM | Feedback (5)

Say it isn't so!

Uncle wears Crocs?

posted @ 11/13/2008 8:45:31 AM | Feedback (8)

I often have this problem

Basic Instructions - How to Make It Clear That You're Joking I have a tendency to skip to the last step though...

posted @ 10/22/2008 7:54:33 PM | Feedback (2)

Finally, something funny I can laugh at

McCain buys ad-space in some video games. Of course, he's a little behind the times.

posted @ 10/20/2008 12:29:06 PM | Feedback (2)

AFL-CIO mass direct mailing on Obama

The AFL-CIO has mailed 80,000 flyers to try to paint over Obama's horrific record on Second Amendment support by showing a tough guy who supposedly likes his guns and thinks Obama is the cat's meow. Personally, I'm not sure this mailer is going to have the intended effect, but that's just me

posted @ 10/15/2008 7:30:54 AM | Feedback (2)

Quote of the day - Decisions, decisions editions

Speaking with Greg about the IDPA match on Sunday and if he'd like to come along Greg - I wish these matches weren't on Sundays. Its really hard for me to decide whether I want to cling to my guns, or my religion.

posted @ 10/8/2008 8:44:47 AM | Feedback (2)

Quote of the Day - Yeah, humans are like that edition

From a blog post discussing electric cars and their place in NASCAR - If NASCAR goes electric, CNN wonders, will fans stick around? Do they love the roar or the engines or the speed at which the cars move? Will they be satisfied with one but not the other? One commenter has his finger on the pulse of humanity I am 100% sure that as soon as the first crash happens and all you can hear is the car being shred to pieces accompanied by the death cry of the driver that fans will not want to go...

posted @ 10/7/2008 1:40:39 PM | Feedback (0)

He's got my vote!

posted @ 9/26/2008 9:15:03 AM | Feedback (0)

One and two, I can understand

But #3?

posted @ 9/23/2008 2:00:00 PM | Feedback (3)

The way car buying should be

If I were in the market for a Fiat, I'd buy it from this place

posted @ 9/16/2008 8:29:36 PM | Feedback (3)

Top ten other "figures of speech" Obama considered using

But of course, he's not talking about Palin 10. You can put perfume and a fancy dress on a whore, but it's still $25 to get your rocks off9. You know what you won't get with an Obama administration? Two words - Moose Knuckles8. It's the difference between a sneaky midget and a former Mayor of Wasilla in a race - you know, one is a cunning runt7. You can be the winner of the Eukanuba Championship and still be a bitch.6. Arranging a pot luck dinner for your redneck friends doesn't equate to...

posted @ 9/9/2008 8:53:52 PM | Feedback (18)

Flipping the switch - A short science fiction story by Robb Allen

Dr. Laurent had waited for this moment for practically all his life. The Large Hadron Collider hummed beneath his observation booth, ready for the first run. His hand paused above the activation switch just long enough for the few members of the press present to take a few pictures. He hated the dog and pony show this moment had become, but the press was necessary to provide the proof that the LHC would not destroy the world. "Gentlemen," Dr. Laurent spoke with authority, "I give you the Large...

posted @ 9/8/2008 7:08:39 PM | Feedback (3)

Why I'm not running for president

Because this is EXACTLY what would be going through my mind See more funny videos at Funny or Die

posted @ 9/5/2008 9:42:59 AM | Feedback (6)

That was nice of them

I heard that at the Republican National Convention they requested that there be special stalls in the men's bathroom to accommodate persons with a wide stance.

posted @ 9/3/2008 12:58:57 PM | Feedback (4)

Quote of the day - You got me there edition

From Sebastian's picture of me "Robb giving us the glamour pose" Justthisguy says: Y’know, I was thinking about saving Joe’s chimp-typing pic of Robb to my hard drive, to show to Robb’s kids later so they could use it for blackmail data (ed - he's talking about the last picture here), but then I thought; how can you blackmail somebody who does not understand the concept of shame?

posted @ 8/25/2008 9:03:02 PM | Feedback (0)

Blackwater - Purveyor of fine military training, gear

And Christmas Ornaments

posted @ 8/17/2008 7:02:13 PM | Feedback (1)

Quote of the day - Insensitive prick edition

From an IM conversation Gregory says:if you can't laugh at yourself, what can you laugh at?Robb Allen says:YouRobb Allen says: Retarded kids Robb Allen says:The handicapped Robb Allen says:It's easy, actually

posted @ 8/15/2008 10:27:38 AM | Feedback (11)

Misadventures in Jelly Belly combinations

In appropriately dim light, the Dr. Pepper and coffee beans closely resemble one another. Great care should be taken to not consume both at the same time mistaking one for the other. Those are two great tastes that taste like ass together.

posted @ 8/11/2008 4:34:18 PM | Feedback (2)

Ancient word of the day

alogotrophy n. 1753 -1853 excessive nutrition of part of body resulting in deformity Was he born with that huge head, or is it the result of alogotrophy? For modern usage, AlGoreTrophy can be substituted.

posted @ 8/4/2008 5:32:47 PM | Feedback (0)

Reply All is NOT your friend

Especially when you send this picture to Sebastian's father.

posted @ 7/23/2008 4:30:24 PM | Feedback (0)

The dream grill

Somehow, I don't think the Mrs. would have liked it though...

posted @ 7/22/2008 11:39:51 AM | Feedback (2)

Please, think of the puppies before you shoot

Tank tops and shooting do not mix. Ever. Guess what happens when stubborn girl wearing tank top/sports bra combo focuses on upper body form and locks her left arm while shooting? A. Her hits are better. B. Tank top/sports bra combo makes perfect basket for hot brass. C. There is laughter on video.* D. All of the above. Drop by to see the video.

posted @ 7/21/2008 5:58:21 PM | Feedback (0)

How D.C. gangsters get around the 'bottom-loading' machine gun ban

They use the side loading models!

posted @ 7/18/2008 4:51:35 PM | Feedback (0)

Quote of the Day - iPhone edition

Coworker (showing the GPS feature on his new iPhone): See, it uses GPS and shows you where you are. Of course, it shows me as being in the parking garage. Me: Close enough for a Hellfire...

posted @ 7/16/2008 7:45:54 PM | Feedback (0)

My irony meter just busted a gasket

The following statement was apparently uttered by the head of the AANR, the American Association for Nude Recreation "We're a family-oriented association," Schuttauf said. "That's very important, and we've been saying that for 75 years. There isn't an awful lot of room for co-existence." Next up, CEO of NAMBLA claiming it's a way to get children closer to male role models...

posted @ 7/15/2008 12:29:20 PM | Feedback (0)

In the mail

Bills, more than likely...

posted @ 7/15/2008 3:29:13 AM | Feedback (0)

Brady Campaign suicide watch

As in, that's all they're going to be able to look for now. They've reduced themselves to admitting that over half the gun deaths they claim are suicides. Sebastian has a good article on what that means for the Brady Campaign. So why are the anti-gun folks pushing this so hard? Are they desperate? Are they stupid? I think the answer to the former is a little, and to the latter, no. I couldn’t figure out why they might be latching on to an argument that’s clearly not going to get any...

posted @ 7/11/2008 4:57:53 PM | Feedback (0)

Day 7 - Showdown at the water cooler

I can't talk long. I dare not hold my head up too high lest someone blow it clean off. It's D-7 and counting here in Florida. On July 1st, a stupid law went into effect that allowed a select class of people to legally be allowed to store a firearm in their cars when they came to work. The aftermath was predictable. It's been seven days of blood in the cubicles. Oh shit! There's a gun battle waging on right now over toner near printer 5. I think Mandy from accounting just submitted her last TPS...

posted @ 7/7/2008 1:08:47 PM | Feedback (0)

Can any lawyers out there help me?

I need some legal advice. I want to see if I have a case against Home Depot. Yesterday I went to buy a new grill, a Weber Genesis E-320. While waiting for someone to get a forklift and get the last, black one off the very top shelf, I was forced against my will to listen to Hanson's Mmm-Bop. Nobody, not even terrorists, should have that kind of torture put upon them. I'm thinking about asking $12 million in damages. Sound reasonable?

posted @ 7/7/2008 12:25:35 PM | Feedback (0)

Paul Hemlke responds to the SCOTUS Heller ruling

posted @ 6/26/2008 5:32:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Does this count as an AOW?

This sawed-off shotgun was found in one of the vehicles at a party bust by the "Party Patrol." The "Party Patrol" is manned by King Country Sheriff's deputies and other local police agencies that crack down on underage parties to discourage teens from getting drunk and driving. [link] Um. Is 0" barrel length considered legal? It's almost like the media doesn't understand firearms. Hat Tip Outrageous Malfunction

posted @ 6/22/2008 3:42:35 PM | Feedback (5)

Giving the Brady Campaign my full support

This may come as a shock to many of you, but after years and years of stories of unnecessary and needless violence, I've finally changed my stance. Too many lives have been lost for me to continue to believe in some mythical right to own things that are devastating our children and our communities. I hope you will all open your minds and realize why I made the choice that I did. So, without further adieu, please welcome my full support and membership into The Brady Campaign to Prevent Gnu...

posted @ 6/22/2008 1:32:59 PM | Feedback (9)

A new twist on the common 'she was a good kid' shtick

Notice how every parent of someone shot or killed by the police for doing something blatently illegal always says the same thing like how good their kid normally was and whatever it was they were doing that caused them to get shot was not normal? This parent takes the cake. Her daughter wasn't holding a rifle, but rather a puppy. I'd quote it, but I can't afford the AP's rates. Update: Bonus! Here's the real story the AP stole. But that's not the story from Jennings' mother, Patricia Jennings....

posted @ 6/20/2008 3:44:25 PM | Feedback (5)

Real felony, make believe weapon

I think Saddam got busted for the same thing Melvin was charged with possession of a hoax weapon of mass destruction, being a felon in possession of a firearm, being a felon in possession of a Class 3 device -- the silencer -- and violation of probation.

posted @ 6/12/2008 7:59:32 AM | Feedback (2)

I've been LOL'd

A gift from the world's most dangerous reference librarian. And yeah, my eyebrow is doing some sort of magic, S-curve thing...

posted @ 6/10/2008 12:02:06 PM | Feedback (3)

Weapons grade crazy

From a guy at work's girlfriend. She snapped this with her cell phone on her way to work this morning That, my friends, is Grade-A Nuttiness. I'm not making fun of the message, rather the messenger. There's something about homemade signs on light paper, duct taped to the side of your van that just says "I get in arguments with myself. Daily".

posted @ 6/3/2008 12:09:08 PM | Feedback (7)

How to make a proper martini

Seems like Greg and Law Dog are proffering their recipes for martinis, so I thought I'd give my opinions on them. Gin - Brand unimportant as all gin tastes like what you'd expect cheap cologne to taste like.Vermouth - A thilly thounding thpirit. Again, as it will be mixed in with the gin, it's quality is irrelevant.Olive - disgusting little rancid grapes. Mix any ratio of gin and vermouth in a mason jar. Shake the living fuck out of it or stir it with one of those mini tongue depressors they...

posted @ 6/3/2008 9:48:36 AM | Feedback (6)

In honor of National Tourettes Awareness Month

I've decided to tone down my language. However, the phrase fuckity fuckity fuck will still be used with wild abandonment.

posted @ 5/29/2008 12:16:48 PM | Feedback (4)

More reasons to ban guns

So I'm chatting with Greg and he sends me a link to a story about a shooting. What makes this different is that Greg personally knows the victims The three men, identified as Robert Latner Brown, 20, Curtis Alexander Watkins, 19, and Glen Whitestone, 18, became verbally abusive toward them and denied any wrongdoing, Cooper said. "The victims then drove away and their car was peppered with gunfire," Cooper said. Greg writes Gregory says: the assailants are claiming my friend flashed a gun...

posted @ 5/29/2008 11:56:57 AM | Feedback (2)

Something to be very proud of

I'm #1 on Google for Brady Campaign Parody. Oddly, the Brady Campaign is #4...

posted @ 5/27/2008 5:23:57 PM | Feedback (1)

Tears. No, seriously

Ain't me, but I'll take credit nonetheless! "Did I say Column Right?"

posted @ 5/27/2008 3:02:48 PM | Feedback (1)

To all the ladies out there

It's perfume, not marinade.

posted @ 5/27/2008 7:35:26 AM | Feedback (4)

Quote of the day - Nothing left to do, then, edition

From an IM conversation with Greg i just finished reading the internet last week... nothing left to surf

posted @ 5/22/2008 10:56:34 AM | Feedback (1)

Google search phrase of the day

Yes, yes they do.

posted @ 5/20/2008 7:44:08 PM | Feedback (0)

What makes this guy's nuts so special?

Click for enlargenationism

posted @ 5/17/2008 5:43:45 PM | Feedback (2)

What I won't be wearing to the airport tomorrow

But it is tempting...

posted @ 5/14/2008 9:56:30 AM | Feedback (3)

Top 10 things Obama plans on doing on the campaign trail after visiting all 57 states

Try all 45 flavors at Baskin Robins Watch Snow White and the 9 Dwarves with his kids Divide by Zero Push for legislation declaring Pi to be 2.75 Run the quarter mile in 1,230 feet. Hope Change Bowl a 38 And the number one thing Obama plans on doing on the campaign trail Visit the last state, Alaska and Hawaii

posted @ 5/12/2008 11:55:20 AM | Feedback (5)

Word of the day - Crotchfruit

A euphemism for children. Greg used it in conversation. I snortled.

posted @ 5/9/2008 4:06:00 PM | Feedback (3)

Spam of the day

Hell, I'll show everyone -

posted @ 5/7/2008 12:44:19 PM | Feedback (7)

I have no idea what you were searching for

But I highly doubt you're going to find this here I like my tits dangerous, baby.

posted @ 5/5/2008 2:44:09 PM | Feedback (7)

Quote of the day - Ain't that the truth edition

From my previous post trust me, there's no such thing as an "attempted suicide" with a .44 Magnum

posted @ 4/30/2008 6:39:22 PM | Feedback (0)

About the picture of my daughter

I had someone comment on why would I ever want to take a picture of my daughter with such a rifle. Simple, I explained - I wanted a photograph that showed the juxtaposition between something that is generally associated with terror and mayhem and something that is innocent and innocuous, like the rifle. It's art, baby.

posted @ 4/27/2008 8:22:18 PM | Feedback (7)

Quote of the day - Coworker's email edition

So Xavier pointed out this rather bizarre camera which I then emailed to several of my photography oriented coworkers. 4”x5” camera made from Aluminium, Titanium, Brass, Silver, Gem Stones and a 150 year old skull of a 13 year old girl. Light and time enters at the third eye, exposing the film in the middle of the skull. My coworker responds I'll wait for the 18 year old skull model to come out before I buy. The prices should come down by then.

posted @ 4/24/2008 10:00:04 AM | Feedback (3)

Because I'm like that

You know those obnoxious "Truck Nuts" that you see hanging off the bumpers of all the Git-Er-Dones? You know, the ones politicians are now wasting time trying to ban? I found you can buy them in keychain sizes. I seriously would love to put those on my Jeep.

posted @ 4/21/2008 1:40:14 PM | Feedback (3)

Personal notes

I have a large tattoo that says "In Memory of Dad. 1948-2008" He gets annoyed when I remind him he needs to kick the bucket soon or else I will have wasted $150 on the damned thing.

posted @ 4/19/2008 12:23:02 PM | Feedback (2)

Dear Mrs. Obama

Don't even try to touch Breda's pie

posted @ 4/13/2008 9:10:09 PM | Feedback (0)

Holy shit!

I guess I should watch my damn language Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

posted @ 4/1/2008 8:51:22 AM | Feedback (5)

HRC-47 Sniper Rifle

Hat Tip Q&O

posted @ 3/27/2008 9:19:21 AM | Feedback (2)

Why I went with the 6.8 SPC

The .223 / 5.56mm was primarily designed to humiliate the person being shot. The 6.8 was designed to kill, even if it doesn't hit the intended target. Even though they both use the same lowers, you can clearly see that the 6.8 Remington Special Purpose Cartridge is a superior round. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words* *And of course, Photoshop's worth about $500 bucks...

posted @ 3/25/2008 7:09:04 PM | Feedback (8)

My first and last post about the Sptizer incident

Nearly $5000 an hour for a hooker? What the hell does she do for the other 54 minutes?

posted @ 3/11/2008 11:14:34 AM | Feedback (6)

Forget the .50 Caliber Terror

Bow to the immense power of the .09 Caliber Pistol. Deadly. Concealable. Terror inspiring.

posted @ 3/7/2008 8:13:25 AM | Feedback (0)

I swear, it's not me

Rumors are going around that I might have something to do with this. I wish I could take credit for it.

posted @ 2/29/2008 1:44:53 PM | Feedback (0)

Frustrated already with the NRA

So, I get a knock on my door this afternoon and lo and behold, it's the UPS guy with my first wheelbarrow of cash from the NRA. Except apparently they send you the wheelbarrow first then the cash later. And, after spending $35 with them, apparently all they could afford to send me was a used, rusty wheelbarrow - Damn thing even had a flat tire How am I supposed to wheel around tons of cash in that thing? I knew I should have joined the Joyce Foundation. They pay much better.

posted @ 2/12/2008 3:56:13 PM | Feedback (4)

Uh oh. I wonder if Breda has an alibi

Because this sounds like something our resident librarian might do An alert clerk at a Wallingford UPS Store was preparing to ship the plastic-wrapped books on Jan. 31 when she noticed that one of the hardbacks rattled, according to police reports. The woman shook the book and spotted a gun part slipping through the pages. The clerk phoned police Monday, after attempting to contact the sender. Searching the books, officers found a disassembled Beretta handgun, three loaded magazines and two...

posted @ 2/8/2008 3:26:42 PM | Feedback (6)

Political bumper sticker for Super Tuesday

posted @ 2/5/2008 3:07:52 PM | Feedback (4)

Instant classic

Take one part "The Princess Bride", one part "Paul Helmke", and four parts of damned fine creativity. Shake well and serve.

posted @ 1/31/2008 12:05:41 PM | Feedback (2)

Oh, gee, thanks.

Put on 10 pounds over the holidays and everyone makes fun of you...

posted @ 1/21/2008 2:55:30 PM | Feedback (1)

Why men have better friends

Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still...

posted @ 1/10/2008 11:00:13 AM | Feedback (1)

From the "No one ever accused him of being bright" department

CLEARWATER - A manager at a carwash recognized the man caught on a surveillance videotape breaking into the business: The man had applied for a job there, police said.

posted @ 1/8/2008 3:48:48 PM | Feedback (2)

A blast from the past

Found this on my hard drive. I used to have it online, but the image hosting company apparently had different views than me and deleted this image without telling me. Now, I run my own show.

posted @ 1/6/2008 7:26:49 PM | Feedback (3)

This means war

The Mrs. has decided that when we get the new kitchen, my 1970's Tupperware Sugar Container has to go. I grew up with this thing. It was how I poured sugar on my cornflakes as a child, it was how I put sugar in my coffee as I grew up. I had to use my cunning wits to pry it away from my Dad and his wife (I bought them a new sugar container and "Hey, since you don't need that old one any more!" - She now regrets the swap). Sure, it's ugly as sin. Sure it's a color that went out of style with...

posted @ 1/6/2008 9:51:47 AM | Feedback (5)

Not only is this doormat funny on the front

The back is rather hilarious as well

posted @ 12/14/2007 3:48:37 PM | Feedback (1)

No, Breda, you shouldn't feel bad

Breda worries about how much her blog is worth... Mine is worse... My blog is worth$-11.20 You actually owe us money.How much is your blog worth?

posted @ 12/13/2007 6:56:19 PM | Feedback (3)

Take THAT, Baby Jesus

Breda indicates a rather...um, odd placement of a cannon and a nativity scene Clicky to Embiggie

posted @ 12/12/2007 2:30:58 PM | Feedback (2)

Quote of the day - Don't ask, don't tell edition

Matt Sanchez, as interviewed by Right Wing News' John Hawkins Personally, I'd settle for gays serving, if Congressman John Murtha would stop outing himself as a Marine

posted @ 12/12/2007 8:05:20 AM | Feedback (1)

Doing my part to combat Global Warming

posted @ 12/5/2007 12:11:51 PM | Feedback (2)

It's time to admit that it is a living, breathing tablet

I get really tired of people telling me the 10 Commandments are "written in stone". Well, technically they were written in stone, but that's not what I mean. What I mean is that the so called "Laws of God" mean something different today than they did thousands of years ago and it's time we started treating the 10 Commandments as the Living, Breathing Document it truly is. Take for example #1 - I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. The archaic language notwithstanding...

posted @ 12/4/2007 4:06:00 PM | Feedback (9)

Presented without comment

posted @ 12/4/2007 2:40:56 PM | Feedback (9)

Ok, this scares me. Bad

I don't mind that you can pick up Uranium Ore off of Amazon This isn't the stuff you put in bombs and it's not going to give you cancer if you hold it. It's very, very, very weak stuff. No, what bothers me most is this... I'm... speechless... Hat Tip Evan at Brain Terminal

posted @ 12/1/2007 5:37:35 PM | Feedback (9)

Well, that answers that question

Yes, yes he does.

posted @ 11/14/2007 8:51:23 AM | Feedback (5)

Quote of the day - Instant Messaging edition

From a conversation I'm having right now about shotguns and ammo Gregory says:exactly. I mean your supply of 10mms is a good thing for normal evil people, but you really need 3" magnum buckshot to deal with the undead. Robb Allen says:True. But I've also found that a great way of dealing with zombies is to indicate that it's election day. They'll then amble around looking for a polling place so they can vote for Democrats.

posted @ 11/6/2007 9:33:56 AM | Feedback (5)

Kucinich Responds To UFO Story Critics

God, that's funny.

posted @ 10/31/2007 1:08:02 PM | Feedback (0)

If you truly loved your kids

You'd send them to Japan so they could run through Pikachu's vagina.

posted @ 10/24/2007 11:22:17 AM | Feedback (5)

More defective guns

When will we elect people who will finally put an end to this travesty? That, and 80° weather is simply wrong for deer hunting. I'm not sure I could even shoot at a deer with hands that aren't shaking from the cold.

posted @ 10/22/2007 6:48:38 PM | Feedback (0)

Florida - The land of Sunshine, Beaches...

and homoerotic messages on construction vehicles Click to embiggen I wonder if they do a lot of work with this company?

posted @ 10/17/2007 11:13:50 AM | Feedback (5)

Well, there's a new term

"Sweater Yams"

posted @ 10/15/2007 3:21:05 PM | Feedback (3)

I thought our printers were HP's

Turns out, they're AM's

posted @ 9/24/2007 3:27:54 PM | Feedback (0)

I wonder how much PSH I would invoke

If I were to actually make this shirt and wear it. Seriously though, I wonder if this would even be legal?

posted @ 9/14/2007 1:24:27 PM | Feedback (8)

Lightning McQueen - No overdose says lawyer

According to Lightning McQueen lawyers, the famed race car did not suffer an antifreeze overdose but had been taking synthetic oils to battle depression after his stunning loss at last year's Piston Cup. The racecar, who was rushed to the local mechanic after allegedly slashing his own tires in an attempted suicide, did not have his radiator pumped, says the attorney. McQueen was found by friend and pit crew member Tow Mater in his Santa Monica garage, and a 911 call report showed it was...

posted @ 8/31/2007 6:46:31 PM | Feedback (0)

I'm sure mine is worse

Michele gets annoyed with people's fancy ringtones on their cell phones. My phone in my cubicle actually has a screeching monkey as a ringer. Much, much worse than anything your little Nokia can put out, I assure you. Does that make me an asshole?

posted @ 8/28/2007 2:42:56 PM | Feedback (7)

More Bullet Lady

Stay tuned. I'll update this post with new ones as I come up with them.

posted @ 8/15/2007 9:22:06 PM | Feedback (1)

Ok, this is going to be way too much fun

Bullet lady - Now in convenient, "Pre-Photoshopped" form so you can add whatever you like. I isolated her hand and cloned out the bullets. You just add the doohickey in her hand and voila! Instant AP grade material. The Photoshop document can be downloaded here.

posted @ 8/15/2007 4:15:49 PM | Feedback (0)

I think I figured it out

You know how the price of lead is going through the roof? It's because China is buying it all to put into children's toys!

posted @ 8/15/2007 3:27:38 PM | Feedback (0)

Failures in architectural design

If you must design a parabolic shaped building, make sure you either face it away from the sun or landscape using metal and concrete rather than grass Click for full size Hat tip Twilley, who is either too lazy or to unintelligent to blog. I'm voting for a little of both.

posted @ 8/11/2007 11:11:00 AM | Feedback (5)

How drugs affect you

This is an old film from the 60's about giving spiders drugs and watching how it affects their web development. Very informative.

posted @ 8/7/2007 1:14:48 PM | Feedback (1)

I don't care who you are

This here is funny.

posted @ 8/6/2007 3:25:42 PM | Feedback (0)

Be careful what you wear

You might just get your mug shot taken in it

posted @ 7/19/2007 12:10:47 PM | Feedback (0)

Hey, she said she was 18

So what if I failed to take into consideration what lemur years are... blog.robballen.com WANTED FOR THE BIZARRE MOUNTING of a SCRAWNY LEMUR $1800What's Your Blog Wanted For?

posted @ 7/15/2007 11:38:07 AM | Feedback (0)

When the instructions tell you to carry around a spare set of pants

You might want to think about a different diet pill Sometimes, you can’t stop your weight-loss secrets from leaking out. Dieters have been flocking to drugstores to pick up Alli, the first over-the-counter weight-loss pill to be approved by the Food and Drug Administration, despite the scary warning: Stray too far from your low-fat diet and you just might poop your pants. Apparently, the pill causes you to not absorb 25% of the fat in foods. So, if you eat more than 42 grams of fat, this...

posted @ 7/8/2007 11:07:21 AM | Feedback (3)

However, for the sake of argument we must err on the side of severity

Islamic Rage Boy doles out the advice. Dear Abby better watch her infidel back.

posted @ 6/29/2007 2:49:55 PM | Feedback (1)

My mother, the comedian

Sent an email to my mother last night. I mentioned how happy and relieved I was that the immigration amnesty bill was shot down. Her response? Oh - if the amnesty bill had been voted in - I was going to move to Mexico - then cross the border and come in as an illegal alien - would get a LOT more benefits than I do now - like free groceries, medical care, banking account without a social security number, and if I went to college - could go as an in-state student, no matter what state I chose. ...

posted @ 6/29/2007 7:14:58 AM | Feedback (1)

Desperate times call for desperate spam

So, I'm clearing out my spam trackbacks (I get hundreds of 'em a day) when I noticed one that said Vicoden Tablets. Tablet PC's. Table Tops. Topless. It's like the Wal-Mart superstore of spam!

posted @ 6/27/2007 2:06:59 PM | Feedback (0)

You know your campaign for president is in trouble

When even raunchy & crude T-shirt manufacturers are making fun of you. I'm sure T-Shirt Hell isn't exactly a bastion for conservative thought, either. I highly recommend that if you don't get offended too easily you peruse through their wares. And, even if you're like me and don't get offended easily, I guarantee you you'll still get offended.

posted @ 6/14/2007 7:55:16 AM | Feedback (3)

The unavoidable confusion that comes from being very young

Yesterday, the Mrs. and I were furniture shopping. Georgia was at summer camp and Irelyn was merrily burbling the way only a 2 year old can burble in her car seat. I think it's a natural instinct that whenever parents pass small groups of bovines that we yell at our kids "Look Honey! Cows!" As if cows were some sort of rare sighting that should be written down in the annals of the child's history so that one day they could sit with their grandchildren and tell them that long ago, they once saw...

posted @ 6/13/2007 12:14:56 PM | Feedback (2)

Oh, it's really easy

You want to create a cashless society? Put all the married men on a island. There. Done.

posted @ 5/24/2007 3:40:05 PM | Feedback (0)

Remove drinks from area before reading this

Lileks describes a Disney World hotel room The room: nice. Colorful. I’ll say this for the quantity of pubic hair in the bathtub: it’s not a lot. I prefer to think of them as “Jiminy Crickett’s eyelashes,” which is how I explained them to a disbelieving child.

posted @ 5/15/2007 10:44:01 AM | Feedback (0)

Gun advocates definitely have their heads in the right place

Kevin, over at The Smallest Minority, has a great piece up about the "supposed decline of gun ownership" in America. At the tail end of the post, he tells us this UPDATE: I swear, I wrote this piece before I ever saw this. To which his commenters reply What does an instapundit post about strippers have to do with gun owners lying to pollsters?Stormy Dragon | Email | Homepage | 05.08.07 - 8:17 pm | # Eh, it's a post about strippers. Who needs an excuse?Mastiff | Email | Homepage | 05.08.07...

posted @ 5/9/2007 7:58:20 AM | Feedback (1)

Who's is the biggest?

Nick Anderson is a pretty big liberal cartoonist. Half of the time, his cartoons are just too lefty for me. The other half of the time, he's a riot. Today, he whacks one out of the park.

posted @ 4/28/2007 8:24:03 PM | Feedback (0)

And damned proud you should be!

Random camera phone picture

posted @ 4/25/2007 3:01:47 PM | Feedback (2)

We have a level 9 stupid alert!

Man sets meth fire, goes shopping Jonathan Zaletel, 19, was cooking meth in a bedroom closet about 7 p.m. Tuesday in the 1200 block of North Alma School Road near Ray Road when the fire started, authorities said. He unsuccessfully attempted to put out the fire by tossing water and window cleaner on it. When that didn't work, he decided to head to a nearby Wal-Mart to buy a fire extinguisher. Being that this idjit is still drawing breath, Darwin would have changed his mind had he lived in...

posted @ 3/18/2007 3:44:32 PM | Feedback (1)

Ask and ye shall receive

From Shooting the Messenger on seeing the movie 300 Now comes the hard work. Teaching them what Molon Labe means. Rearing a new generation that would rather die than bend knee to a despot. Were I any good at photoshopping, you know, like Reuters and the AP do to make phony pictures look real, I'd feature Pelosi on a throne ala Xerc, sitting cross legged and demanding we give up our arms or die. Ok, how's this?

posted @ 3/11/2007 9:20:07 PM | Feedback (1)

An open letter to Glock, Inc.

Dear Glock, I recently purchased a 10mm Glock 29 and I am sad to say that your reputation for producing "quality firearms" is undeserved. Since my purchase, your firearm has completely failed to live up to its promise. I have been told time and time again that easy access to firearms is the number one cause of violent crime in today's society. Well, being a concealed weapons permit holder, your so called 'gun' is always within reach and to this day, I've yet to shoot anyone over a parking...

posted @ 2/19/2007 3:04:34 PM | Feedback (4)

Jim Zumbo, Staples Stock Clerk

As I write this, I'm opening boxes of Post-It Notes in the main store in southeastern Wyoming with Freddie Svenson, Dayshift Manager for 3M, Grant Vennison, who is senior research engineer for 3M, and several other stock boys. We're testing Freddie's keys to his 1978 Pacer on several boxes of the new, hot-pink Post-It Notes. I must be living in a vacuum. Grant tells me that the use of 'box cutters' have a rapidly growing following among stockmen, especially office supply workers. I had no...

posted @ 2/19/2007 8:56:42 AM | Feedback (27)

Damn

I was going to do this when I got home. Wuzzadem beat me to the punch.

posted @ 2/8/2007 3:32:37 PM | Feedback (0)

It takes a big man to laugh at himself

In this case, it's Kevin Federline, but we'll cut him some slack. This Nationwide "Life comes at you fast" commercial is, like their other ones, hysterical. The fact it contains the former Mr. Britney Spears is even better.

posted @ 1/30/2007 12:54:36 PM | Feedback (3)

Oh the irony

So the other day at work, a group from HR was walking around selling donuts to raise money to combat diabetes. Isn't that like selling hypodermic needles to fight drug use?

posted @ 1/23/2007 4:19:57 PM | Feedback (2)

Not sure what you were looking for, dude

Just checked my referrals. Got someone from Google searching for "Is beheading painful?". I'm going to venture a guess and say "Oh, it hurts like hell".

posted @ 1/8/2007 1:22:35 PM | Feedback (1)

A bumpersticker I saw over the weekend

Hit me right in the funnybone.

posted @ 11/20/2006 9:03:25 AM | Feedback (0)

Definitely teh funny

Today at The Superficial Gwen Stefani was spotted leaving her hotel in London over the weekend looking like she just finished a cage match against an angry badger. And her son Kingston looks cute as hell as a miniature special ops operative. I picture him crossing into hostile territory and taking out enemy leaders armed with nothing but a knife and his sippy cup. And maybe a jar of applesauce if he gets hungry And this gem right below, discussing the fact that Brooke Shields was invited to...

posted @ 11/14/2006 2:24:36 PM | Feedback (0)

Silly liberals

I don't know what type of political points you plan on scoring by putting blackface on Anthony Hopkins. If you're not careful, he'll eat your kidneys with a side of fava beans...

posted @ 10/30/2006 3:58:58 PM | Feedback (0)

Quote of the day

President Bush said that if illegal immigrants want citizenship they’d have to do three things: pay taxes, hold meaningful jobs, and learn English. Bush doesn’t meet those qualifications. PJ O’Rourke

posted @ 10/16/2006 3:00:06 PM | Feedback (0)

A truly tasteless shirt

If there really is a hell, I'm probably going there for creating this... click to enlarge It was that or create an ad for the New Steve Irwin Stingray Experience at SeaWorld which was just as tasteless.

posted @ 10/3/2006 1:53:46 PM | Feedback (3)

Answering my fan mail

Today's entry from the mail bag is from From: Angela HodgesTo: Robb AllenSubject: Important Question Do you have any erection problems? Have a nice day. Wed, 20 Sep 2006 19:14:17 +0360 Y6AOFB7 Dear Angela, No. Sincerely,Robb

posted @ 9/20/2006 10:05:57 AM | Feedback (2)

In case you've misplaced your "Men's Rulebook"

So, recently I overheard about someone who made the lethal error of asking a woman when she was due. The punchline, of course, is that she wasn’t pregnant. Let’s open the Men’s Rulebook to Chapter 17 – Talking to women you have no intention of having sex with. Question #12,720 – She looks pregnant. Should I ask her about her due date? This question is a loaded gun and it is not safe to look down that barrel with your finger pressing on the trigger. No matter how sure you are that she is...

posted @ 8/14/2006 12:13:00 PM | Feedback (4)

Creativity

posted @ 8/9/2006 9:03:00 AM | Feedback (4)

I swear, it's not me.

A buddy of mine has been playing around with Picasa and uploaded a few images of me. I went to see if Google Images had picked it up and did a search for “Robb Allen”. This is one of the images that popped up. I’m assuming Google has confused my beer making habit with my transexual photoshopping skills. This was too embarrassing to not share.

posted @ 8/9/2006 8:05:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Attn Reuters - I'm available for work

Seems not everyone likes my 5 million dollar Victoria Secret picture. Speaketh David from Daily Pundit Will you STOP DOING THAT! It was bad enough the first time. This must be about the fourth outing for that monstrosity. I'd just finished lunch. Now I've thrown up a bit in my mouth. I'm nothing, if not a giver.

posted @ 8/7/2006 7:28:00 PM | Feedback (4)

Things I learned from Friday's Texas Hold 'Em get together at the brother-in-law's

People online are dumber than real people. I can beat online people. I cannot bluff. If I touch my chips, everyone folds. No matter how hard you try, a 7 of clubs and a 3 of diamonds will never turn into something worthwhile. When I get dealt my first and only pocket aces of the evening, everyone else will get 7’s & 3’s and fold. $20 disappears pretty damn quick, even when playing nickels and dimes. Alcohol helps you feel better while you’re losing . The same alcohol that made you...

posted @ 8/7/2006 8:56:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Just in case there are 3 people in the world who haven't seen this

There’s nothing funnier than a daschund with narcolepsy. Nothing.

posted @ 7/31/2006 12:46:00 PM | Feedback (1)

Definitely not a kid friendly joke

A penguin is driving through the Arizona desert when his car breaks down. He steps out into the oppressive, 108° heat and notices oil pouring out of the engine. He has the car towed to the nearest town and waits at the mechanic’s. Unfortunately, the mechanic’s waiting room is not well air conditioned and the penguin, not acclimated to the hot weather, starts to get uncomfortable. He sees an ice cream stand down the road and thinks “Being a penguin, I really could go for something ice cold” and...

posted @ 7/25/2006 10:51:00 AM | Feedback (3)

Sometimes the comments are better than the posts

Over at Goldstein’s where a free form comment thread seems to be emerging I had one of those hummingbird feeders in my back yard. One time as a joke I laced it with methamphetemines. Did you ever see those pictures of a jet fighter with condensation clouds around the wings? Imagine 7 or 8 of those in miniature. Really cool. One little fellow got scared by a cat. Broke the sound barrier. Posted by N. O'Brain on 07/21 at 08:06 AM

posted @ 7/21/2006 12:06:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Today's spam winner

Refined incest videos Riiiiiight. I mean, I can't stand those rednecky, uncultured incest videos so I'm assuming the refined ones have to make for much better viewing.

posted @ 7/10/2006 10:13:00 AM | Feedback (1)

When typos go bad

Amazon’s review of Joe Satriani’s latest album, Super Colossal Amazon.comOne of the most innovative voices in contemporary American music, guitarist Joe Satriani celebrates two decades as a recording artist by releasing yet another consistently strong and refreshing platter of soulful goodness. Like his former student and sometime sparring partner Steve Vai, Satriani shows his virtuosity rests not only in his command over his instrument but also in his command of composition. "It's So Good,"...

posted @ 7/7/2006 1:40:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Gravity + Toyota + A million or so rubber bands = FUN!

YouTube will destroy us all.

posted @ 7/5/2006 3:29:00 PM | Feedback (0)

I'm torn over this...

I just did it again. I’ve simply got to believe it has something to do with the quality of my clothing and not with me having a fat ass (which I don’t. No… really!)

posted @ 7/5/2006 1:57:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Joke of the day

How many Southern Baptists should you take fishing? Two. If you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer. (I was reminded of that joke here)

posted @ 6/29/2006 2:42:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Exciting new SaaM feature! The Pants-Cam!

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen – Using the latest, wireless technology, you can now experience the breathtaking view down my pants, live!!! I’ve got to work on the lighting issues, sure, but hey! Live feed!

posted @ 6/12/2006 11:23:00 AM | Feedback (1)

The anklebone is connected to the brain pan

Iowahawk isn’t taking the Z-man’s demise lying down. Best phrase – Personally I think I'm lookin' straight GQ, seeing as I just got a 500-pound laser guided curb stomp. Shit cuz, y'all should see Kahlid, a.k.a. "Ceiling Spackle." At lest the reports from hell will be interesting.

posted @ 6/9/2006 12:45:00 PM | Feedback (0)

My continued marriage to my wife is a constant source of amazement to me

My (almost) 4 year old, Georgia, is sick today. Didn’t even want to go to dance class. The Mrs. and I had the following email conversation. Wife: I just checked her temp. I gave her tylenol at 9:30 and her temp just now is 102. Yuck! Me: Ugh. Keep me informed, ok? Wife: She hasn't eaten anything and only had a couple sips of juice. She says she's not hungry or thirsty. She's very pathetic. I'm just letting her lay on the couch and watch t.v. Me: Oh my God, honey. It sounds very,...

posted @ 6/7/2006 1:26:00 PM | Feedback (1)

Just for Floridians

Saw a clip a while back from the Daily Show where they were discussing a hot topic here in my home state about a lady who keeps a “Support the Troops” in her yard against the community’s rules. The following phrase just nails Florida perfectly (speaking of plastic pink flamingos) If you can’t keep tacky shit in your front yard, how will people know they’re in Florida?

posted @ 6/5/2006 10:14:00 AM | Feedback (0)

And the winner for this weeks "Best Spam Subject Line" goes to...

“I do for bullshit what stonehenge does for rocks” Seriously, with a line like that, I’m considering buying from these guys. Cheep Ci..a!..i.s and a university degree! How can I go wrong?

posted @ 5/30/2006 9:40:00 AM | Feedback (1)

You'll laugh, you'll cry....

You’ll freak your inner metrosexual out. I have not laughed this hard in ages. Safe for work…. Kind of… File this one under Humorous Manscaping. Hat Tip Joe, of whom I’m starting to worry about.

posted @ 5/26/2006 7:57:00 AM | Feedback (0)

My continued employment is a constant source of amazement for me

Especially after receiving an All IT email from the Vice President, who in an effort to get us all to join a special ‘thank you’ type outing, ends with Don’t miss this opportunity. How many times do you get the chance to blow out of work early, drink beer, and play video games? To which I promptly replied: Usually every Tuesday. My boss, of course, replies with: What address should I mail your stuff to?

posted @ 5/5/2006 9:29:00 AM | Feedback (2)

He was either witty or witless

Either way, the maintenance guy who put this sign on the broken toilet gave me a laugh.

posted @ 5/2/2006 11:59:00 AM | Feedback (1)

Not the right place, Honey.

So my wife likes to keep the Guideposts magazines in the holder by the toilet. I dunno about you, but when I'm on the can, I'm not usually in the mood for divine inspiration. A little divine mercy maybe, but not inspiration.

posted @ 4/29/2006 7:13:00 PM | Feedback (3)

Yeah, I know....

Hey all. I'm really sorry about the dearth of posting lately but... Yes? I'm sorry? Can I help you? I don't know, you called me. No I didn't. Yes you did. Right up there. You said 'DARTH' No, I said DEARTH. D-E-A-R-T-H, not D-A-R-T-H! Don't get mad at me, buddy. It's not my fault you've got nothing interesting to talk about and instead have to resort to cheesy homophones with fictional...

posted @ 4/28/2006 7:18:00 PM | Feedback (6)

A SaaM "Ben Domenech" moment

Those testimonials up there to the right..... Not mine. I feel better. Do you forgive me?

posted @ 3/27/2006 1:42:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Pardon me

But have you seen a blog post around here? I didn't think so. Thanks anyway.

posted @ 3/21/2006 7:19:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Don't blame me

I only gave him the idea…

posted @ 3/20/2006 8:41:00 AM | Feedback (1)

Did he just call the founding fathers "hole poopers"?

Yes. Yes he did. What an odd feeling. I’m offended and laughing at the same time.

posted @ 3/15/2006 12:45:00 PM | Feedback (0)

TPS Coversheets & 24

So, a guy at work has been following this seasons' 24 pretty closely. I of course opted out for this season, but honestly miss it because I hear people talk about it all the time. Anyway, my coworker noticed that on IMDB you can see the cast listings for each episode of 24... Including future episodes. Spoiler warning - it kind of gives away who is dead and who isn't. Anyway, looking at a particular future episode, my coworker noticed that Ron Livingston has a part. Many of you might recognize...

posted @ 3/14/2006 10:18:00 AM | Feedback (2)

A true tale of corporate bureaucracy gone bad

Manager B of server department asks Employee A for a list of his servers and the applications on them. Employee A asks Manager A if she could get him the list. Manager A asks Director A for the list since she remembers giving it to him. Director A assumes the server people would have this information and asks Manager B for the list to give to his people. Manager B calls Employee A and asks that he hurries up with the list as there are now Directors asking him for it. Somewhere, Labrador...

posted @ 3/13/2006 3:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Amazing facts about Jack Bauer

Probably old, but I care not. It’s still funny If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". (ha) Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. When Kim Bauer lost her...

posted @ 3/4/2006 8:24:00 AM | Feedback (3)

Bueller doesn't get it

But I think my new bumpersticker is a riot. Especially in this context

posted @ 3/2/2006 5:32:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Sure Chief.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and...

posted @ 2/28/2006 9:10:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Quantum physics humour?

I’m thinking about making this bumper sticker (from MakeStickers.com) And, in a similar vein

posted @ 2/23/2006 9:05:00 AM | Feedback (3)

Joke of the day

Cheney: Hey Ted, wanna go hunting? Kennedy: Only if I can drive.

posted @ 2/14/2006 12:33:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Three little tidbits of thought

(1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. (2) Our Constitution "They keep talking...

posted @ 2/14/2006 7:49:00 AM | Feedback (4)

US not doing so hot in the olympics

Especially not after this fiasco. Hope we do better in 2008….

posted @ 2/12/2006 10:54:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Scientifically proven to be damn sexy

So I’m over at Phil Haack’s place, and I see he’s found a nifty gadget that does facial recognition and picks someone famous who you resemble. The results of yours truly? Marble… Sharp as a Marble….

posted @ 2/8/2006 8:43:00 PM | Feedback (5)

Apparently, my wife knows about my secret psychic powers

True story: The phone rang yesterday. I had my arms full of baby, so my wife answered the phone. Mrs. Marble: Uh-huh.... Uh-Huh..... {looks at me} Can I ask him who is calling?

posted @ 1/26/2006 12:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)

When regulations get ridiculous

I’ve ranted about how stupid I find most restaurants’ obsession with plastic gloves that do nothing to protect customers from unsanitary conditions, but this one is even funnier. The deli at the local Publix from where I work has a hairnet policy. Now, many of the women who work there have long hair and often it’s not all kept in the hairnets which is ironic in itself, but this takes the cake The dude is 100%, completely bald. What, pray tell, is the hairnet protecting me...

posted @ 1/19/2006 10:44:00 AM | Feedback (1)

Parrot provides pal proof of partner's preference for proxy penis

Kept saying “I love you, Gary.” – Owner’s name was Chris. LONDON - Chris Taylor, a 30-year-old British computer programmer, grew suspicious of his live-in girlfriend when his pet parrot began to imitate her saying, “I love you, Gary.” Ziggy, an 8-year-old African gray parrot, would also make kissing noises whenever the name Gary was mentioned on TV and would mimic Collins saying, “Hiya, Gary,” every time she answered her mobile...

posted @ 1/17/2006 11:00:00 AM | Feedback (0)

I usually hate stereotypes

But this has to be the best blonde joke ever.

posted @ 1/10/2006 12:43:00 PM | Feedback (3)

The inherent violence in today's preschool toys

So for Christmas my daughter got Word Whammer™ Fridge Phonics™ Set from Leapfrog. Basically it’s a set of letter magnets and a magnetic box that you can put 3 of the letters in to spell various words. One of the modes is a game where the voice tells you to spell a word and you try to find the letters and put them in the right order. The very first word it asked to spell? WAR Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

posted @ 12/31/2005 1:54:00 PM | Feedback (5)

Why is it?

That little kids suddenly reach an age where they can no longer smile normally for a picture and instead end up looking like something straight out of a psycho movie?

posted @ 12/22/2005 9:52:00 AM | Feedback (6)

I guess I was wrong. There is a slight resemblance

Hubris has pictures of himself and his kids hamming it up in front of the web cam. I, of course, have to comment Has anyone ever told you that you look absolutely nothing like Liberace? Posted by: Robb Allen (Sharp as a Marble) | December 11, 2005 at 01:13 PM Hubris responds Robb, step away from the PhotoShop application. Thaaat's it. Nice and easy. Posted by: Hubris Sorry, bud, but too late……

posted @ 12/12/2005 12:53:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Ever Google an ex-grilfriend only to discover she's become a porn star?

Me neither. Depressing the more I think of it.

posted @ 12/5/2005 1:41:00 PM | Feedback (3)

Quote of the day

And from my own comments, nonetheless Rocket science isn't what it used to be. For most of the really nasty math, I use computer programs or just put the launch pad far enough away in case something goes wrong....

posted @ 11/30/2005 1:02:00 PM | Feedback (1)

Senator Kennedy conducts a third grade math class

Sen Kennedy: Now Tommy, what's 7+12? Tommy: Uhh.... 17? Sen Kennedy: LIAR!!!!

posted @ 11/15/2005 11:14:00 AM | Feedback (1)

Blog update

I know I haven’t been updating the blog like a good blogger should, but it’s because I’ve been working on a piece that should be fairly lengthy and in depth and I want to make sure I give it enough attention to assure my facts are straight and that my writing is coherent. Here is what I have so far. I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time now and I As you can see, it still needs a little work. Any thoughts?

posted @ 11/10/2005 8:28:00 AM | Feedback (0)

President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance

From Broken News Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few Women Marines to do the job before they went on...

posted @ 11/8/2005 1:07:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Light posting for today

posted @ 11/3/2005 9:25:00 AM | Feedback (2)

Important Sharp as a Marble correction

The Sharp as a Marble editorial board would like to apologize for a mistake in an earlier posting. George W. Bush has just announced Justice Alito as his nominee for Sandra O’Conner’s seat, not (as reported earlier) Just a Burrito. We have no idea why Bush would have nominated a burrito and apologize for the confusion or if the previous typo caused you hunger pains in any way.

posted @ 10/31/2005 10:44:00 AM | Feedback (4)

Important Sharp as a Marble product defect recall

Sharp as a Marble Laboratories issues recall on Limited Edition Official Hugh Hewitt GOP Cheerleader Doll! Several models of the Hugh Hewitt ‘Go Miers Go’ cheerleading dolls are being recalled due to a defective voice chip. Affected models no longer chant the proper “Miers Miers, She’s our pick!” phrase and instead scream at their owners for not supporting the president’s choice. It has also come to our attention that Mier’s withdrawal from...

posted @ 10/28/2005 7:50:00 PM | Feedback (3)

A visual representation of Bush's current political popularity

Amongst conservatives, nonetheless!

posted @ 10/25/2005 2:48:00 PM | Feedback (1)

Random Thoughts From Schrödinger's Cat (Part II)

Dude, someone hurry up out there and observe, dammit. This hairball I choked up last week ain’t getting any fresher, if you catch my drift.

posted @ 10/24/2005 3:37:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Jeff Goldstein confronts an NFL referee*

We have an intentional grounding by the quarterback. There is a 10 yard penalty…. Excuse me. Who the hell are you I’m Jeff Goldstein. … You know.. “Protein Wisdom” Sounds gross. What the hell are you doing on the field? Where’s security? I have a pass. I’m the manager for the armadillo. You mean that cute little dancing fucker at...

posted @ 10/24/2005 1:23:00 PM | Feedback (5)

Needless to say....

posted @ 10/17/2005 2:59:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Protein of the United States

Oh, I’m having too much fun with this……

posted @ 10/14/2005 9:45:00 AM | Feedback (1)

And so the stalking begins

Poor Jeff Goldstein. It’s idiots with Photoshop like myself that probably were the cause why he avoided having his picture on the web for so long…. It’s too late now Jeff. All your pixels are belong to us….

posted @ 10/14/2005 8:09:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Quote of the day

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin

posted @ 10/12/2005 1:44:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Blogging naked!

You know, I’ve heard a lot about the thrill one gets when blogging naked, so I’ve decided to try it out, and let me say one thing….Wow!!! This is very, very liberating. Being that I let it all hang out metaphorically speaking when I blog, this just seems to be a logical extension. There’s something about the freedom of blogging naked that just clears my mind. It’s like once I’m free of the restrictions of my clothing, the restrictions on my...

posted @ 10/11/2005 2:24:00 PM | Feedback (2)

You need one

Buy one of these. It really clears thing up!

posted @ 9/3/2005 10:57:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Flood coverage takes devastating toll on Sheehan campaign

Camp Crawford, Tx – As the deluge of tears threatened to wash away the handful of protesters left, Cindy Sheehan spoke of the horrors the recent flood coverage by the media has had on her cause. Wearing a ‘No Flood For Oil’ t-shirt, Sheehan spoke to a throng of two or three journalism students about the aftermath of the recent Katrina coverage. “It has been awful,” Sheehan said, barely able to conceal the pain in her voice. “This morning, I woke up and was...

posted @ 9/2/2005 9:51:00 AM | Feedback (6)

Foiled!

Guy at work turned 50 yesterday. A group of people decided to wrap every single item in his cube with aluminum foil. Pencils, papers, staplers, keyboards, etc. They even opened boxes, wrapped whatever was inside them, then wrapped the box. Then they rubber-banded everything together. click for full size Not only was it funny, but any time I was near his cube the voices in my head went away.

posted @ 8/24/2005 10:13:00 PM | Feedback (2)

What if Journey got back together and made children's songs?

“Oh the wheeeeeeels on the bus keep a turnin’”

posted @ 8/24/2005 8:18:00 AM | Feedback (3)

Behold the healing power of Saint Sheehan

Many of you out there do not recognize the power of faith. Foolish are those who do not understand how divine intervention can change the physical world in which we live. For example, Sharp as a Marble had fallen upon hard times in the Truth Laid Bear ecosystem. Fewer and fewer people found their way onto my steps and my ranking had dropped considerably over the past few months. There are those who say I should work harder, that I should put more effort into my blog if I want people...

posted @ 8/22/2005 1:26:00 PM | Feedback (2)

Grilled cheese sandwich claims to have image of Mother Sheehan

Crawford Tx. – Thousands of people gathered today to try to catch a glimpse of a grilled cheese sandwich that supposedly sported the likeness of Mother Sheehan, the Patron Saint of Left Causes. Mrs. Sheehan is grieving her lost son Casey, who was killed in combat after apparently being forced to volunteer for military duty, and currently camping near President Bush’s vacation ranch to protest the war. Mrs. Sheehan was recently bestowed the highest honor the Left can...

posted @ 8/15/2005 9:18:00 PM | Feedback (21)

There's "Wrong", "Plain Wrong", and then there's this...

Hat tip Evil White Guy

posted @ 8/15/2005 1:17:00 PM | Feedback (6)

Selling deep freezers to eskimos

So I bought a Ryobi 3000 PSI pressure washer today. Already put it together (with the help of my father since I can’t lift anything for a few days) and even did a little house cleaning with it. I’m sure my doctor would have had a fit, especially when I first hit the trigger and the 3000 PSI rammed the handle 3 inches from my injured nut sack. I love this thing. Lot’s of power, well laid out, easy to move around, and lots of features. However, I have to point out the one thing...

posted @ 8/13/2005 8:49:00 PM | Feedback (1)

One of the most useful Photoshop tutorial I've ever seen

Why does Victoria’s Secret airbrush out the nipples of their models? If you’re as annoyed by it as me, then this tutorial is for you.

posted @ 8/12/2005 7:05:00 AM | Feedback (3)

Dirty joke

A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is lying on the bed, reading a book. The farmer picks up a sheep he had brought with him in the room and throws it on the bed. “That’s the pig I screw when you’re not in the mood,” says the Farmer. “That’s not a pig, that’s a sheep, “ replies his wife. “Shut up, “ says the farmer, “I’m not talking to you!”

posted @ 8/11/2005 6:19:00 PM | Feedback (3)

Curse you, Bill Gates!

And your stupid “automatic updates” too….

posted @ 8/10/2005 3:51:00 PM | Feedback (3)

Why I oppose John Roberts for the Supreme Court

Because I really wanted Judge Judy up there. Or Wapner, but I’m not sure he’s got much left in him.

posted @ 8/10/2005 9:04:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Quotes from IM conversations

Paris Hilton is one of those people who, if through some odd freak of physics, was sucked into a wormhole, I'm not sure I'd care. 'Cept for the wormhole thing. That'd be cool.

posted @ 8/9/2005 2:16:00 PM | Feedback (0)

Quotable quotes

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

posted @ 7/13/2005 8:47:00 AM | Feedback (0)

Modern nursery rhymes

Georgie PorgiePuddin’ and pieKissed the girlsand made them cry.When the boysCame out to playGeorgie Porgie had to inform themThat he was a registered sex offender